


Secrets of an Alleyway

by BlackbirdFreedom11



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Era, Dissociation, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Guilt, Heavy Angst, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poor Eren Yeager, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Slow Burn, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Sex, lots of lying, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:16:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 48,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackbirdFreedom11/pseuds/BlackbirdFreedom11
Summary: They were hungry.They were starving.They had to survive another year until they could sign up for the Training Corps.“What do you want?”“Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food ya want. More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.”Simple. Eren didn't need to tell Mikasa or Armin how he returned with so much food.Simple. Nobody else needed to know what went on in the darker alleyways of that town.Simple, right?Until he sees some familiar faces passing him in the halls of the Survey Corps.Until Captain Levi senses something not quite right with Eren Jaeger.Until simple becomes more complicated than ever before.





	1. The Alleyway

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! first story of mine.  
> talk about being nervous!  
> Anyway, normally i'm just a huge reader on here, but this story wouldn't leave my head.  
> SO  
> i hope you enjoy! PLEASE read the tags on this story!
> 
>  
> 
> TW: Underage rape/prostitution

YEAR 846

* * *

 

  
“This is our last ration,” Armin grimaced, splitting up the half loaf of bread into three parts. He handed a slice each to Mikasa and Eren, who each took their portion with frowns.

  
The three friends sat on the dirty ground in the corner of a small alley, with two boxes and three thin blankets covering them. The clothes that covered each child hung loosely, tears and holes were common every few inches of fabric. There they huddled together, eating their last pieces of bread, given to them by Armin’s Grandpa on his last day within Wall Rose.

  
“We need to start thinking about a plan to get food, or else were going to starve.” Armin stated, looking down at the ground. “We’re too small to grab any of the rations they give out anymore, we’d never beat the crowd.”

  
Eren squeezed his bread tightly in anger, “This isn’t fair! What are we supposed to do then? What do they expect us to do!” He took a bite of his food and chewed it with force, pieces spitting out of his mouth.

  
Mikasa grabbed her scarf from around her neck for comfort. “They expect nothing. The rations they hand out barely allow us to survive. People are already dying from starvation.” She sighed, and raised her eyes to look at Armin.

  
“Do you have an idea?”

  
Armin looked away. “...Well, we can steal, but it’s illegal. Not to mention dangerous. If we get caught…” He looked back at Mikasa and Eren, his eyes burning with determination. “But it doesn’t matter anyway does it? If we don’t do anything, or if we get caught, the outcome is the same…”

  
Mikasa sucked in a breath at that statement. The town punished heavily on those stealing since the refugees came in from Wall Maria. Many never returned after becoming arrested by the Military Police.

  
“Then let’s not get caught. I can do it; you and Eren can stay here then. That way, if I’m arrested, you and Eren won’t be punished. It really is the best-”

  
“No way!” Eren shouted, his bright green eyes focused on Mikasa. “There’s no way that you’re doing that on your own! Stop trying to protect me!” He growled, but his higher voice didn’t seem to capture his raging emotions clearly enough. “No. We all go. And if we split up, we can take more that way. We can all go to nearby towns, and then meet back here.”

  
Mikasa’s eyes widened, “Eren! Think this through! That’s even more dangerous! I can’t help you or Armin if we split up.”

  
Eren’s eyes burned brighter. “Mikasa! Stop it! I’m almost 12, you can’t keep protecting me. I can do this! Stay with Armin if you want, but I’m getting that food on my own. We need it, and we need it fast. Splitting up is the best way.” He crossed his arms and looked away. He loved his sister, he truly did, but Gods, did her over protectiveness enrage him. Why didn’t she understand? They were living in an alleyway and were starving. Now wasn’t the time to get sentimental. They had no security or comfort, except for each other and the clothes on their backs. Until they were old enough to join the training corps, which wasn’t for over another year, they needed to survive, and in any way possible.

  
If they went along with Mikasa’s plan, they would never get enough food, and eventually would all be caught. Then, they would probably end up like the poor souls who were forced back over the wall in the form of a Wall Maria reclamation expedition. Nearly 20% of the human population perished, including Armin’s Grandfather. Previously, he was the reason as to why they had rations in the first place. But now, they were on their own.

  
As Eren fumed to himself, Mikasa looked to Armin in support. “Armin please, we need to stick together!”

  
The blond haired boy wrapped his arms around his knees, crunching his eyebrows together in thought. “I get what you’re saying Mikasa, because I don’t want to split up either.” Mikasa instantly smiled with relief, and looked at Eren, as if Armin’s statement would ease him out of his tantrum.

  
“However,” Armin continued, with a frown on his face, “I think in this instance, Eren’s actually right.”

  
Mikasa’s head snapped back at Armin, her eyes shining with betrayal. Armin quickly raised his hands in surrender, trying to ease Mikasa back down.

  
“Look. I get it, but if we stay together, we run a far greater chance of being caught, because we would stand out more. Alone, we slip in and out much easier. We also triple the amount of food we take. And we can even hit different parts of nearby towns, and not get caught with the other thieves here. This is a huge advantage, because they know most of the refugees are staying in this area. Farther towns wouldn’t be on the lookout for as many thieves, and especially not children as young as us. Do you see?” Armin’s eyes quickly whizzed back and forth from Mikasa to Eren, who had turned back around when Armin defended his idea.

  
Mikasa stared at Armin in disbelief, but quickly came to realize that her own plan would not be followed. In surrender, she tucked her chin underneath her scarf, and nodded. “I don’t like it. But if we’re going to do this your way, we’ll have to plan. I won’t let us go into this blindly.”

  
Eren and Armin let out breaths of relief, glad they wouldn’t have to fight against Mikasa further. They didn’t have much time anyway, if they had to prepare themselves. Eren did feel guilty for yelling at his sister though, and quickly reached out his hand to grab hers.

  
“It’ll be okay, Mikasa. I’m strong. We’re strong. We can do this. We’ll be the best thieves inside Wall Rose!” A cute side grin came upon Erens face. Mikasa gave out a small smile in response, and looked back to Armin.

  
“Okay. So how are we doing this?”

 

 

 

Two days later, the three friends huddled in their alleyway, the sun sinking down past the walls and into a gorgeous sunset. In order to use their daytime light to their full advantage, they planned to travel to each of their designated towns while the sun was still out, then wait until it became darker in order to better camouflage themselves on the streets. They had to be careful about this though, because the later it became, the more vendors closed up their merchandise. Tonight would be their testing night, to see what times would work best in each of their towns, along with the best streets.

  
“Okay”, Armin whispered, “It’s becoming dark enough so it’ll be hard to see us, but the venders are still open on the streets. Remember, you need to get there before the late crowds leave, or else it’ll be harder to grab something. Meet back here before midnight.” A loud growl interrupted Armin’s small speech, and caused a deep blush to emerge on his skin. He grabbed his thin stomach, trying to quiet it down.

  
“I’m hungry too. Let’s just go. I’ll see you guys tonight!” Eren gave a little laugh and began jogging out of their backstreet, waving goodbye to his friends one last time before disappearing. If he turned around, he would’ve seen Mikasa’s and Armin’s worried looks upon their faces.

  
Eren jogged down the little road, passing by multiple vendors that were giving him the stink eye. It was obvious he was a refugee, with his torn clothes and no shoes. Nobody would trust any refugee from Wall Maria in this city, as they were all scrambling around for anything they could take. Eren glared back at anyone who connected with his gaze, and ran further away from the disdainful eyes. He followed his path leading towards the inner Wall Sina, while Mikasa went west, and Armin went east towards Stohess. Their plan was to get out as far as they could to other towns while still making in back to their alley way in time. While the thought of just moving to another town had come up, rumors were going around of available jobs on nearby farms, and they, along with many other refugees, were awaiting for further news.

  
Armin and Mikasa of course, stayed hopeful for this for their own reasons. Eren, on the other hand, thought he had a much more realistic view of the world.

  
_Farming jobs. Yeah right. Even if there were any, it’s not like we would be picked up. We're too small to work. At least that’s what everyone else thinks_.

  
He huffed to himself and kicked a rock out of the pathway with the sole of his foot. He didn’t think he was that small. Or weak. He wasn’t. He could fight, and not as good as Mikasa, but he could. And he was smart, not like Armin-smart, but he could think on his feet. He could work. Look at him now! He was going to steal in order to eat. He could do it. He could. And he would.

  
Eren continued on the path way for almost an hour, the night coming upon the sky rather quickly. The moon became his main source of light as he reached a small town.

  
_Finally._

  
The town itself appeared small and rather rundown. It was comprised mostly of bars it seemed, as the streets were noisy and crowded. Lanterns hanged sporadically every few feet down the main street, where there were a couple of vendors talking amongst late night shoppers. Eren tried to stay in the shadows as he drew nearer, passing by a couple of jewelry stands.

  
_You’re not food…that’s not food… Where’s some bread?_

  
Eren’s stomach gave a loud rumble, and he grasped it in embarrassment. No one seemed to have heard it, as he passed through a small crowd, but it still planted a small blush on his cheeks. Eren kept walking down the street, eyeing the vendors, but no food came upon his view. It was only jewelry, florists, blacksmith merchants and wood carvers.

  
_No no no no no!_

  
Eren practically ran through the main road, stopping at every vender twice. He was only glanced at, as it seemed many couples liked to gather around these venders at night. Being small enough, he went mostly unnoticed behind the swell of women’s skirts and the height of the male companion.

  
But there were no food vendors. Why? They had everything else it seemed! What was their issue? Eren dragged his feet to the sidewalk of a building, where he sat down in defeat.

  
_Just great. My one shot to not screw up and help Mikasa and Armin and I’m going to turn up with nothing. I’m so hungry, I know their starving too. And I can’t go anywhere else… This is the last town with vendors before Wall Sina. What am I going to do?_

  
Eren pulled his head into his hands and dug his fingers into his scalp. Sitting here wasn’t going to help, but what was his other choice? He was stuck, and he refused to go back to his friends emptyhanded. As Eren tried to think up possibilities of attained some sort of substance for the night, a loud _boom!_ came from his left. He jumped at the sound, but quickly got up and walked to the corner of the building, peering down an alleyway from where the noise came from.

  
A man walked out of a side door from the building Eren had rested on, and was carrying two heavy black bags. He threw them to the opposite side of the alley, turned black around, and slammed the door shut behind him with another bang. Eren’s eyes widened as the smell from the bags whiffed up to his nose. Food! Rotting food, but food none the less. He couldn’t believe his luck. This never happened at the main town; scraps were always used in some form. Throwing food away like this was just…

  
Eren glanced back in order to see if someone saw him, and quickly ducked into the alleyway, skidding towards the bags and opening them. His handed became dirtied as he tore through the piles of rotten food, finding only empty cans, bread crumbs, and scrapes of rotten meat. Eren stood up in anger and growled, kicking the bags away from him. He leaned against the side wall, sliding down until his head touched his knees.

  
Nothing. No bread. No food. _I’m useless._ Tears of frustration pricked the corners of his eyes, and he quickly swiped his hand across his face to get rid of the evidence.

 

Eren sat there with his eyes closed and body curled up for warmth. The half-moon shone brighter in the sky, and the night grew steadily colder. He had about another half hour before he had to return to Mikasa and Armin, with nothing in his hands. He didn’t want to give up, but there was nothing else he could try. He had looked between the remaining town alleyways for more trash bags, but there was nothing. In defeat, he return to the first ally, and dig through the trash again, hoping he had missed something, but to no avail. During this time, the vendors had left, the couples had disappeared, and the only sounds that could be heard came from the randy bars which were sprinkled up and down the main road. In fact, the trash bags even came from a bar, which seemed to be more heavily populated than others. It was actually a wonder than Eren hadn’t been kicked out of the area yet.

  
He sighed to himself, trying to face the fact that he had to go back to Mikasa and Armin like this. Like a loser. Like someone who gave up. And that wasn’t him! It wasn’t. But he didn’t know what else to do.

  
“Hey Runt.”

  
Eren snapped his head up at the sound of a voice, finding a huge man staring down at him in the alley. He scrambled back further into the alley way on his palms, his heart pounding at the sudden shock. He quickly got up and clenched his fists.

  
The man laughed. He looked to be about 6 feet, with decent clothes on. He didn’t seem rich, nor poor. He had no mustache or beard, but messy brown short hair. Eren pegged him around his 30’s.

  
“You. Ya hungry?”

  
Eren squirmed. “Why? Got anything for me?”

  
The man smirked, his eyes lighting up shrewdly. “I’ll make you a deal. See, I saw you scrounging around the town earlier. You won’t find food here like that. But, I can get some for you, if you do something for me.” His smirk lengthened into a secretive smile, as he leaned on the side of the building wall.

  
“What do you want?”

  
“Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food ya want. More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.”

  
Eren scrunched his nose. The guy was talking in riddles, and the air he was giving off seemed strange. But he was offering food, and if he wasn’t lying, which Eren didn’t think he was, then he wouldn’t find food here on any vendors. Despite his instincts, Eren needed to give this a chance. He figured if he was willing to steal, then he could do what the guy wanted. Really, his stomach was so hungry, he’d really do just about anything for food right now. He hadn’t eaten in two days, and was feeling lightheaded and physically weaker than normal.

  
“Okay. But I want the food first.”

  
“Ha! Yeah right. But look, I’ll show you.” The man pulled out a whole loaf of bread from his inside jacket pocket, showing it to Eren. “Ya see? And there’s more where that came from. Just depends on what you do for me.”

  
Eren’s mouth watered when he saw the bread. He didn’t know if it was his imagination, but he swore to himself that he could smell it. He found himself nodding along to what the guy said, but knew that he just wanted the bread tonight. That way he could see what the guy was about, and then hopefully, if he could do what the guy wanted, he could come back and try for more food.

  
The guy smirked at Eren, and stowed the bread away.

  
“Great. Let’s get started.” He walked closer to Eren, grabbed his wrist, and pulled him deeper into the alleyway. Eren automatically protested the treatment, but ultimately followed the man holding him. He was brought into the crevice of the alley, where it was darker and the moonlight barely touched his face.

  
“Get on your knees.”

  
“…What?”

  
The man growled and grabbed Eren’s hair in a tight grip, forcing his knees to hit the ground. He grunted in pain, and tried to get the man’s hands off of his head, but he was much stronger than Eren.

  
“What the heck! What are you-”

  
Eren cut himself off when he saw the man unbuckling his pants, and pulled his underwear down. Gasping, Eren began struggling to get free.

  
“No, no! Stop it-”

  
“Shut up! You wanted the bread. You just gotta open your mouth for me for a couple of minutes. Capeesh? Now open up.” Keeping Eren in place still with on hand holding onto his hear, the other forced open his mouth, squeezing at his cheeks until the pain was too much.

  
Eren’s breathing turned ragged as he gazed upon the man’s penis. He had never seen one other than his and Armin’s, because they bathed together, but his was huge! Eren’s eyes began tearing up as the prospect of what was going to happen hit him in the span of seconds. He didn’t know that this was what the man wanted. He didn’t even think about it! Eren was young, too young, he only vaguely knew what this was because some refugees had become prostitutes in order to earn money. He, Mikasa, and Armin had both heard about and witnessed some forms of prostitution, but even then, the concept was still quite foreign for their young minds.

 

_Can I really do this?_

  
Eren didn’t seem to have a choice, as the man had opened up his mouth and stuffed his prick down his throat within seconds.

 

 

 

A satisfied sigh was heard in the night.

"Damn. That was perfect runt, thanks for that. Oh, here’s the bread too.” Eren heard a quiet thump next to his knees on the ground. The bread.

  
“Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.” The man laughed, turned and walked out of the alleyway, whistling a small tune to himself.

  
Eren turned his head away from the sounds and threw up what little was in his stomach. He dry heaved again when he realized what he had thrown up on the ground, something that was white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it wasn't too bad! i hope to update next week.  
> Reviews will make me write more and make me super happy because its my first story :)
> 
> Thanks for Reading!


	2. Figuring it Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has to figure it out. How was he going to face Mikasa and Armin after what had just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!! Sorry it's late, i'm in the process of moving houses and it's been pretty rough.  
> But i hope you guys enjoy!  
> I had to rewrite the first part of the chapter because i wasn't very happy with it, and now it seems so much better :)  
> So have fun reading!  
> AND THANK YOU SO MUCH for the comments and kudos!

_I did it for food._

_It was for food._

_It didn’t mean anything._

_Just a trade._

_I have food._

Eren firmly repeated this mantra in his head as he slowly walked back to Mikasa and Armin in a daze. He refused to further think about what had happened, because when he did, his stomach tightened and his body tried to heave out anything that was left in his stomach. He had thrown up enough in the alleyway, thank you very much. His throat felt on fire, his knees were skinned up from the ground, his face was swollen from tears, and his mind was in shambles.

_But he had food._

Too bad Eren didn’t think he could stomach any of it. His raving appetite an hour prior had disappeared after the trade, and Eren wasn’t too sure it would come back any time soon. That was alright though, more for Mikasa and Armin. He would rather sleep anyways, his mind too exhausted from rewinding the last 60 minutes or so.

While he knew Mikasa and Armin would be worried sick already, considering it was past midnight, he knew the whole loaf of bread would cheer them up. But, he would never tell them _how_ he got it. No. There was no way in _hell_ that he would ever tell his two best friends what had happened. He could already imagine their reactions. No, it wouldn’t go well at all. It wasn’t even going well for Eren, who was still wondering whether what had happened was actually acceptable. It _was_ an exchange. Eren didn’t know what the man had wanted until it was too late, but he did receive food. But he wouldn’t have done it if he knew what the man had wanted beforehand. Right? He wouldn’t of. No.

_But then again…._

No!

So what if he was starving, there was no way he would have consensually lowered himself like that. He would’ve rather starved!

He would’ve rather starved.

_But What about Mikasa and Armin?_

What was left of Eren heart pinged a little in response.

He would’ve rather starved for himself. But for them… for his friends… for the two most precious souls that Eren had vowed to protect and keep safe from people and titans and anything else that could be seen as harmful…

Then…

Eren knew he would’ve done anything.

He took a deep breath as he came to a conclusion in his head, but could not stop his body from reacting to the past events that had suddenly catapulted to the front of his mind. His breathing suddenly became erratic, and his hands trembled hard enough that he almost dropped the loaf of bread he was carrying.

Eren began hyperventilating so badly that he stopped in the middle of the road, and staggered to his knees towards the ground. He dug his hands into his scalp, pulling at his hair to try and pull his mind back into reality. He felt- rather than heard- a high pitched whine breaking out from his throat, and he gasped for air as the sound left his body. Giving himself another few minutes to get his breathing under control, he realized he needed to sort himself out before presenting himself to his friends, or else Mikasa and Armin would know that something was wrong instantly. Because this... breathing thing, that couldn’t happen again. At least not in front of his friends.

Okay. So how does he control that? How can he control his emotions and reactions to being-

Wait.

No. No! It wasn’t rape, it _wasn’t_.

He had just gone over this with himself hadn’t he? It was an exchange. _An exchange_. His body for food to give to Mikasa and Armin. A needed exchange that didn’t harm them, and was quick, and gave him food to bring back to his friends.

It was a trade.

Work for food.

That’s all.

And lots of people don’t like their work, right?

Right.

Okay.

_Okay._

_It was a trade a trade a trade just work Eren just work that’s all you’re fine you’re fine YOU’RE FINE okay just forget it you have food now concentrate on that be happy you have food you did work for food what work what work you you you what did you do?_

He needed a cover story. Eren looked down at himself, his eyes squinting in concentration. His clothes were covered in dirt, stains, ( _stains stains white gross no stop_ ) and his knees were scraped and bruised. He knew his face had bruises from the man grabbing it ( _no stop what are you doing_ ) What work could get him so dirty ( _dirty)_ like this? He couldn’t properly clean himself up before meeting back home, he had nowhere to go and no more time. He had to think of something, quick. He was determined to do this. For Mikasa and Armin.

Just as Eren picked himself back up from the ground and tried his best to brush off the dirt from his tattered clothes, it hit him like lightning. He could say he cleaned. He could say he was paid in food for cleaning up a bar, and some drunk people got rowdy and of course he fought back because he’s Eren right? So of course Eren fought and that how he got scraped up and bruised up and-

_Okay_. That’ll work. Now all Eren had to do was keep himself together. He took one more deep breath in order to finish off the last of his panicking, gripped harder on the loaf of bread in his hands, and set off. And as Eren began walking back to Mikasa and Armin once again, it seemed that with every step he took, his determination set in to help Eren keep his new horrifying secret deep within himself. And as every foot hit the dirt, Eren’s mind tightened around his soul with iron chains, protecting himself and his friends from revealing what had truly taken place hours before. With every step, Eren’s heart hardened and his body became his shell. With every step, Eren began believing that the exchange

( _usediwasusediwasforcedandtakeniwasrapednoshutupdontthinklikethatcantthinklikethat_ )

was a needed trade in order for survival, and that because Mikasa and Armin wouldn’t understand that, they would only know that Eren cleaned up places instead for the food. He didn’t become a thief at all, in fact. Really, they should be proud of him for finding a true and honest job! Really, cleaning… and if he went back-

_(noidontwannagobackdontmakemeshutupitsneededshutupshutup)_

He could get more food too.

Much more.

Chains tightened around Eren’s fragile heart, protecting it from everyone who dared try to touch.

 

 

With a closed mind and a hardened heart, Eren purposefully turned the corner of the dark street and walked down into the familiar alleyway, where he could barely make out two huddled shapes at the very end. One hand holding onto the loaf of bread, the other tightened into a fist in determination. As his footsteps grew louder, the two figures startled.

“Eren?”

“Eren!”

“Mikasa, Armin, I’m sorry I’m late, but look!” Eren ran up and practically shoved the loaf of bread into their faces, and while it was not warm and soft because of the travelling, its wonderful aroma seeped into Armin’s and Mikasa’s noses, making them sigh in pleasure. “I got a whole loaf of bread!”

Eren grinned at his two friends, but quickly his face turned into surprise as he was swarmed into a group hug by both of them.

“Eren! Don’t scare us like that again! We decided on a time to come back for a reason! Why did you come back so late?” It didn’t seem as though Mikasa was taking a breath between sentences as she rapidly questioned Eren’s night. Her hug had gotten tighter and tighter every second, and Eren panicked at the feeling. He began to squirm and threw off their arms, taking longer to push away Mikasa’s fighting touch. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let them touch him.

_Don’t touch me._

“Slow down Mikasa!” Eren growled, “I’m okay, it’s fine! Sheesh. Focus on the food why don’t you? What did you guys get?”

_Focus on the food focus on the food the food the food food bread hands wait no focus EREN_

Armin gazed up at Eren with his bright blue eyes. “I got lucky, I scrounged the trash bins around town first, and found two cans of beans! I figured that would be enough for now, and decided to come back here. I don’t want to steal if I don’t have to.” Armin then held two small cans in his hand, showing off his achievement to his friends.

Eren tried his best to smile. “That’s awesome Armin!”

_I tried that too why didn’t I find food why couldn’t I have found food why didn’t I not good enough no good but exchanged we exchanged its fine its fine not fine_

Eren did his very best to not show how he had felt when Armin told him how her had found his food. _Jealous much?_ Yes, he was jealous that Armin found an easier way than him, that Armin had gotten off easier, that Armin hadn’t been pulled down to the ground and forced to open his mouth and couldn’t breathe and couldn’t stop him and _couldn’t-_

Thankfully, Mikasa’s soft voice cut off his own in his head, saving him from almost coming undone in front of his friends. His guilty eyes quickly glanced at Armin, who had the frightening ability to see past people better than anyone he had ever known, but he was too preoccupied on the food in his hands.

Eren had to keep in together. He couldn’t let them catch on.

_Keep it together. Stand your ground. Focus on the food. Focus on your friend’s survival. Do what needs to be done._

_Do what needs to be done._

“Eren?”

Eren turned his head and looked at Mikasa. “Huh?”

“Did you hear what I said? Are you okay?” Her eyes looked wearily at her brother, her eyes jumped up and down his body quickly as she finally took in the dirt and bruises on his body.

“Eren! What happened to you?! Why do you have bruises on your face?! And your clothes!”

“What? Oh!” Eren looked down at himself in response, though he had already known what he looked like. The little light coming from the moon thankfully couldn’t show just how much damage there truly was.

_Here we go Eren don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up LIE EREN do what needs to be done Eren do what needs to be done they cant know no one can know don’t show it don’t show anything nothing happened remember you were cleaning and then fighting fighting fighting no stop NO_

The chains that had wrapped around Eren’s heart tightened, and his mind built up walls of crystal. Not stone. Stone breaks. Stone falls. Stone doesn’t protect. But crystal. This crystal… He is invulnerable. He is unbeatable. He is impenetrable. With his mind and heart locked down, he knew, in these precious seconds, that he could lie. He could lie to the faces of his dearest friends, in order to protect them. Because it was for their protection. Because it was also for his own.

_Do what needs to be done._

“Oh yeah, I got lucky like Armin, thankfully!” Eren felt his body smile at his friends, his mouth turning upwards. “Some bar owner saw me scrounging around, and asked me if I wanted to clean up his place for food. But when I was doing that, some drunks decided to pick on the dirty kid for fun, you know? I was about to kick their asses when the owner stopped it for some reason!” Eren heard himself scoff.  “But it was all fine, the owner said I could come back to clean up again and he’d trade something else.”

_“Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.”_

Despite his reassurances, Mikasa looked concerned. “Cleaning up a bar? That’s an actual job! Why doesn’t he pay you? And you shouldn’t be joining in fights, Eren!”

“Well it’s not like I asked to fight!”

_I didn’t ask I didn’t want I didn’t I didn’t_

“Regardless, I don’t like how dangerous that situation is!”

“Oh, like becoming a thief is any better?? Stop being a hyprocrite! It worked out didn’t it? That’s all that matters. I got a full loaf of bread out of it! That’s better than anything you got!” Eren felt his blood pumping at Mikasa’s arguments, and hated that she was still trying to be protective of him. It was too late for that. It was way too late. Just hearing her try sent his temper rising.

“Eren-”

Armin looked thoughtful and Mikasa argued with her brother. It was true, Eren had gotten the best food out of all of them. While Armin had picked up two measly cans of beans, Mikasa could only steal an apple, which had supposedly fallen from a vendor’s cart and he packed up for the night. It seemed vendors didn’t like being out after dark, and that had not gone well with their plans at all. But evidently, if Eren could keep this cleaning job for food, then they could probably last the rest of their time on the streets like this.

“Wait, Eren, why doesn’t the bar owner pay you instead of giving out food?”

Eren and Mikasa stopped arguing when Armin cut in, and Eren turned towards his smaller friend. “Because I’m a dirty homeless kid, Armin, come on. Who would pay me for a job right now? He’s taken pity on me. And he had me do the jobs even his regular cleaning guy won’t do. So it works out. I’ll go back in a couple of days, when we run out of this food, and I’ll get something else.”

Eren heard himself speak as the words came out smoothly, his ears staying the same temperature, and his body relaxed. He felt as though it wasn’t even himself speaking, that he was just watching a show. He saw Armin nod attentively in response to his answer, accepting it as truth. Eren’s heart jolted a little at the easy way he had lied to his friends, but as the chains around his heart squeezed, he knew it was for their own good. And because it was for them, it didn’t matter that Eren was feeling a little weird. It didn’t matter that he felt as though he wasn’t really there, that he was hiding behind his crystal walls safe from the swarming emotions that tried to drag him down into a nightmarish tunnel of darkness, where hands were waiting to touch and feel and hold and yank and pull and _grab grab grab_ -

No. It didn’t matter. He was okay for now. He figured it out, how to lie. How to face his friends with made up stories of the night. How to come to accept that the exchange with that man ( _monster_ ) was needed in order for them to survive. So that’s what he’ll do. Keep Mikasa and Armin alive with enough food. Because he’ll do what needs to be done.

_Do what needs to be done._

And next time, he’ll bring more food.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, give me another week for the next chapter hopefully! We'll begin on Eren's journey of become a kid prostitute, basically. Poor Eren is going to go through some tough stuff.
> 
> COMMENTS KUDOS ANYTHING is super welcome! constructive criticism would be great, anything is great, really! every time i get a notification i try and write more for the chapter, so please drop a note:)
> 
> oh, and i hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day!


	3. Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin and Mikasa think Eren is acting strange, but Eren can't let them in.  
> His only option to get them to back off is to hurt them.
> 
> They're out of food again, and another trip is needed.  
> Eren has to go back to the alley way for another trade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im back! sorry its late, but it is longer! I am actually in the process of moving, so its been busy.   
> BUT SERIOUSLY GuYS I don't know how i came up with this chapter, it def was not what i had intended, but the chapter kinda got away from me. 'shrugs'   
> Soooo this is the outcome, i hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> AND THANK YOU for the kind comments and kudos; i'm sorry i haven't replied to them yet, but know i honestly cherish each and every one!

5 days later, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin had at last ran out of their small collection of food. The bread had lasted them three whole days, while the apple and can of beans had only lasted two days together. And although Armin and Mikasa had figured Eren now had a tentative “job” that could bring in a steady amount of sustenance, they were still weary of its ambiguous description. Mikasa, who could not help her protectiveness of her brother, was especially concerned of Eren going back to the so-called bar. But without evidence to stop him, and with their next food trip about to take place, she could only come up with a couple ideas that could possibly make her feel better about the situation.

She had brought up both concepts to Armin the night before, but they barely had time to discuss them before Eren had come back from his wandering off. She then tried to wait until he had fallen asleep, but it ended up being for naught, as it seemed as though he was having trouble sleeping the last couple of days. At least more than usual. While it was hard for any of them to get a full nights rest on a cold and disgusting floor that had no protection against the elements, Eren’s eye bags had noticeably grown and darkened, leading Mikasa to believe he was sleeping much less. He had also become more irritable, and seemed to shove Mikasa away every time she talked to him. Though to be fair, she usually tried to talk to him about his new bar “job”, so maybe she was asking for a fight.

She really didn’t know how to explain it, call it a gut-feeling, or because of their deep bond from childhood, but she knew something was off with Eren. Ever since he had come back from the town with that stupid loaf of bread in his hands, he had been… off. There was no other word to explain it. He wasn’t acting overly different, no. He was still picking fights with her, and laughing with Armin, and going crazy over the word, “Titan”. But sometimes he would stop talking in the middle of a sentence and go quiet, such as when they were talking about heading to the river to go wash, because Eren was so dirty from his cleaning job the night before. Or when he had blanked out of his conversation with Armin, who then touched his cheek out of concern, and Eren had jumped about 10 feet into the air in panic. Of course, when questioned, he confidently said that he was thinking of Titans, and had quickly gone on another rampage, but Mikasa still wasn’t fully convinced, and neither was Armin. All they knew was that these changes had started after he had come back late from this first night of stealing, and she was determined to find out why.

 

 

“Eren? Can I talk to you?”

Eren turned his head from Armin, who had just been warning him about watching his tongue around the bar people and to hold in his temper, so as not to get in another fight and get roughed up again.

_Ha. I’m just hoping to get back alive and in one piece, with a bucket of food for us lying in my arms. And that’ll be worth it. That’ll be worth it, Armin. I’ll get you food. I can see your bones Armin. Through those holes in your shirt there. Bones, bones, one bone two bone three bone four-_

“What? What’s up?”

Mikasa bit her lip, and saw Armin glance at her knowingly behind Eren’s back.

“I thought that I could go with you to your town, this time. I could work with you and get more food that way.”

“What? No!” Automatic. There was no way Mikasa would ever step foot in that town. Or Armin. He’d kill all of them if they even _tried_ to touch his family. Not them. Never them.

“Why not? It makes sense! I could-”

“NO Mikasa! The old man’s not giving me food out of the kindness of his heart you know, he sees me as a piece of garbage. He won’t like another one of the refugees hanging round. He said just me being there was bad enough for his bar. There’s no way he’d let you work too.” Eren didn’t know what he was saying any more, he just knew that he needed to drive Mikasa’s stupid plan away as far as possible. Words came blurting out of him mouth and his firsts tightened in anger, his body trembling in fear and anger for Mikasa.

_Stupid stupid stupid! Mikasa stop please just don’t just don’t try please stop_

But Mikasa couldn’t read Eren’s mind, and with her first plan already shot down, she pushed on to her second plan instead. And despite Eren’s immediate aggressiveness, Mikasa kept her calm demeanor in the face of her brother and Armin.

“Then if you think he won’t let both of us work, then I’ll go this time instead. And you can try my town. I can handle fighting better than you.” She really couldn’t see how he could counter this option. It was logical after all, it even had Armin’s seal of approval. Inside, she had a smug smile planted on her mouth, behind her cool façade.

Eren’s mouth dropped in disguised horror, his mind bringing up awful images of Mikasa taking his place. No. No. He could not, would not allow this. _But what to do what to do?_

In Eren’s lack of response, Armin piped up, “It does make sense Eren, Mikasa could go this time, and you can try stealing again.”

They were ganging up on him. They didn’t understand! They couldn’t know what they were asking. As Eren felt his anger and fear mix into a strange type of adrenaline rush that boiled his blood, he growled out in panic,

“Shut up!”

_Shut up shut up shut up shut up you don’t know you cant know how the fuck can you even ask me you cant fight them cant win cant fight fight fight eren EREN fight!_

Whatever Mikasa was about to say in retort would never be known, as her eyes widened at Eren’s frantic state and her mouth closed up.

“I’m so sick of you trying to protect me, Mikasa! Just stop it! I found this job, I’ll be the one going!” Dear Gods, was Eren pulling anything he could use from his mouth. He had to stop them, he _had_ to. No matter what he said. He would rather hurt them with his words, than have either of them get hurt like he had been. “Besides, as you and Armin had so _clearly_ pointed out, I don’t fight as good as you! So then you should go steal instead! I don’t care about getting roughed up, I can handle myself; I don’t need you! So go do your own jobs, and worry about saving your own hide. And I’ll worry about mine.”

It felt as though ever since he had come back from _that night_ , every word spoken to Mikasa was repetitive. She had been bugging him again and again about that stupid job, and she wouldn’t leave him alone. He had tried his best to stomp down on her endless questions about the bar, but when it came to protecting Eren, she was the most stubborn person on the planet. Only Eren could stop her, but it looked as though he hadn’t done anything to make her believe his lies. Unfortunately, in order to truly get her to back off, along with Armin, he had to hurt her feelings. But better him than them hurting her.

Eren sighed in frustration and looked up at the sky, sunset had arrived. It was time to go. He glanced back at Mikasa, whose face was blank, but mouth once again open to fight.

But Eren angrily cut her off again before she could try to get another word in. “You’re not my mom, Mikasa. Stop trying to replace her, because you can’t. We’re not five years old anymore. I can protect myself, and I don’t need you. So just back off, and leave me alone.” He turned to Armin, his heart drowning in his own betrayal of his friends. But he knew that this was needed, he had to get them to stop questioning him. He had to get them off his ass.

“You’re not helping things either! I know you’ve been talking to each other about me, about if I can do this. Fuck off. I’m not some kid. I’m not weak. Stop playing concerned parents and concentrate on what we need to survive. Watch your own backs and don’t get yourselves killed. Get food. That all you guys need to focus on.”

Eren watched as Armins eyes widened at his small speech, disbelief clouding those blue orbs. But he couldn’t let that stop him. To drive the nail in the coffin, Eren began walking out of the alleyway they called home, and as he passed Mikasa, he threw his shoulder into her, making her stumble on her feet.

“Mikasa! Are you okay?” He heard Armin call.

A soft whisper. “...I’m fine.”

 

 

_Please don’t hate me. I love you guys, I promise. I did it for you. I did it for you!_

As Eren walked out of their shared alleyway and down the side street towards the way out of town, his felt his chest tighten and his lower lip tremble. His eyes watered slightly, and he began to take shortened breaths, because he suddenly couldn’t find enough air. Without his consent, two water tracks ran down his face, and he quickly wiped them away with his thin shirt. _Crying_. He knew why he was crying, and he couldn’t help it. He had been cruel to his friends, and hated himself for it. Okay, yes, he had yelled at Mikasa and Armin before, but _never_ with malicious intent. And not with such a devious reason as to why. Now he just felt so guilty for spouting all those words towards Armin and Mikasa, who were only concerned for him, and had every right to be. But he knew they couldn’t, they couldn’t pry into what he was going back to. And he only had seconds, seconds! To think about how to get them to back off.  What could he say, he panicked. It was the best he could’ve done, but how he hated himself even more now. He could only hope they had the hearts to forgive his behavior, and come to see it as the known appearance of “Angry Eren Who Was Still Hurting From His Mom’s Death And Wanted Revenge.”

Which was true! That was still who he was, really, he was still focused on killing Titans…eventually. But now… with starvation as their primary reason for impending death, food was now his number one priority, and his focus was on finding ways to get it. Titans would have to wait for another year.

So for now, he figured himself as “Traumatized Eren Who Was Keeping His Friends Alive By Selling His Heart And Soul To Human Monsters.”

Well, at least his name was the same.

As Eren continued to walk, each foot seemed to weigh heavier and heavier, and he found himself almost constantly turning around and running back to hide and curl up in a sobbing ball of misery. He dreaded what he was walking towards. What he was now _consensually_ walking towards. And he knew it would be worse. Much worse. Oh _Gods_ , why was he doing this again?

_Armin and MikasaArminand MikasaArminMikasaKeepthemAliveErenAlive_

_Do What Needs to Be Done._

And although Eren determinedly kept repeating this mantra to himself the whole way to the town, his legs still shook like leaves in the wind, and his body trembling as if it was freezing outside. His heart was pounding, and he could help but keep licking his lips in nervousness. He felt tears come to his eyes every few minutes, but he had quickly become quite good at preventing himself from crying when he stayed focused, and so he kept his face dry. This trick had been developed after he had gotten back 5 days ago from the first night, where he had almost broken down when he tried to fall asleep between Armin and Mikasa. That had not gone well.

He could stand their touch anymore. It wasn’t as if they had reminded him of that man, but he had just felt so dirty, so _used_ , and he was just so overwhelmed with everything, that he couldn’t stomach any more physical sensation, no matter the person. And it had only gotten worse from there.

He had been having more trouble sleeping, because nightmares of the trade in the alley had formed. So he didn’t sleep much anymore.

He had gotten more irritable. More angry. More irrational. He knew, that despite his newly built crystal shell and armor that guarded what was left of himself, Mikasa and Armin could tell something was off. But he tried his best to play it cool, and continued on as if nothing had happened to him. Yes, he knew he messed up several times, such as flinching or not paying attention, but if he could play his cards right, hopefully it’ll be forgotten.

Hopefully, anyways.

Mikasa and Armin finding out his dirty little secret really depended on his actions after tonight, and Eren didn’t know if he would even survive it, let alone come back and play “Happy Eren Who Brings Food Back To Friends.”

 

 

Eren just knew- as he finally saw the outskirts of the dreaded town- that he had to shut himself off as soon as he finds the alleyway again, because even the place would set off his pounding heart and shaking fists. He might even throw up just looking at it, based on how his stomach was feeling already.

The town looked the same, still rather small and neglected. He could relate to it, really. Every step he took that brought him closer to the alley made him feel smaller and smaller, and hopeless to what was to come. He could hear the laughter coming from the bar already, mixing in with the other rowdy social groups that lingered outside and farther down the street. Sticking to the shadows once again, Eren couldn’t help but scan the faces he could see as he walked closer to the bar. He didn’t know if the man was already there, looking for him. It was still earlier then the last time he had come, after all. But Eren couldn’t help but tremble as he glanced at each man’s face.

_I don’t see him._

And while the thought helped his body relax a little, at least to stop trembling so badly, his mind refused to unwind.

_He could be waiting for me there already._

He clenched his jaw at the thought, and as the alleyway came closer and Eren could no longer walk unless he passed it, he bit his lip, took a shaky breath, and forced himself to quickly turn into the alleyway before he could think more on it. But he was so terrified, so nervous, that his eyes closed shut without his consent, and he reached out for the brick wall nearest to his left side to help balance himself. He felt the rough texture with his palm, sliding it down to gain some type of feeling for his petrified body. Oddly enough, the feeling comforted Eren, and he ended up practically plastering himself to the cool wall, knocking his forehead on the rough barrier.

Taking shakier breathes, he felt as though he could finally open his eyes, and he cautiously glanced out to the right, looking deeper into the dark passage.

Darkness. Nothing. Sound? No. No shadows either. No, there was nobody down there.

_He wasn’t down there._

Eren let out a breath of relief, and took himself off the wall in adrenaline-filled bravery. He looked down the alley for a few more seconds, noticing the trash had already been taken out by the bar. Eren walked over to the bags, and began digging in them for any edible leftovers.

_There’s no food here. Just junk. Metal. Torn fabric. Nothing edible. Fuck._

Well, there went Eren’s tiny hope; that there would’ve been something he could take back to his friends without waiting to become a fuck toy for the man.

But there was nothing. He should have known. He wasn’t lucky after all was he? Not smart like Armin, either, or strong like Mikasa. He wasn’t anything, like the trash.

Huh. He was trash, wasn’t he?

_I’m trash. Garbage. Nothing._

 

Two hours later, Eren had fought his way through two separate anxiety attacks, bit his lip until it bleed, and formed a bruise on the back of his head from knocking it into the wall so many times in anger and helplessness. He had also found the only comfort he could in the very darkest corner of the alley, where he curled up in a little ball and kept his sharp gaze on anyone who passed by the opening at the street. It was the perfect place to keep watch, and he had settled himself down in order to calm himself down for when the time came.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t doing a very good job. It seemed as though Eren could pass as functional and normal with others around, at least Armin and Mikasa, but when alone, his chains and crystal walls tended to disappear, and he was left alone on a sinking boat in the middle of Emotional Ocean.

_I guess we’ll see if I can hold it together if the man comes._

Which Eren didn’t know if he wanted him to actually show up or not. His mind was pulled in both directions. On one hand, if the man comes he can get food, but with an addition of more Traumatized Eren. On the other, he doesn’t get food, but he stayed where he was on the sinking mental boat.

He was rationalizing that food meant survival, so really, there was only one option here. Besides, it didn’t matter what Eren _wanted_ , no. It was more of what Eren _needed_. And that was food.

So he needed the man to come.

But as yet another quick shadow walked passed the alleyway, and Eren’s heart once again jumped in nervousness, he couldn’t help but think the man was never going to come back, despite what he had said.

_Maybe he wasn’t good enough._

He had fought back, and didn’t know what was happening. Maybe the man didn’t like that? But he did say he was coming back, didn’t he?

_Didn’t he?_

Eren felt so conflicted, and his mind was jumping from thought to thought, panicking at the notion of coming back to Armin and Mikasa with no food.

_Then what would I tell them?_

_I’m nothing._

_I’m not worth anything._

No, he couldn’t come back empty handed. Selling himself had worked the first time; he would just have to find another person who would give him food for his body. He would have to. He _had_ to, despite how his nauseous stomach jumped in objection.

Yet Eren slowly stood, using the wall behind him as support for his shaky legs, and began taking small steps out of the alley. He was wasting precious time sitting there, after all.

_Do what needs to be done, Eren. Shut off your mind. Become nothing. You are nothing._

A shadow.

Halfway through the alleyway, the opening at the street suddenly became occupied by a large figure.

Eren froze, and his heart began to pound so loud he thought he was having a heart attack. His mouth dried up, and his body tensed in fright.

_Oh Gods OhGods ohGodsohGods helpmenonononoidontwanttodothisichangedmymind_

Yet Eren stood as still as a statue, and the large figure swaggered forward, the light from the moon barely catching his smirking face.

_It’s him._

Frozen. Eren was frozen- mind and body- and could not think or move from his spot in the ally. Tightened up in fright, he could only stare into the leering face that came closer every booming step, until the man bent down to his height, and it was only inches from his own.

“Hey Runt, I missed ya.”

_Oh Gods._

He knew he looked like a frightened deer that recognized they were being hunted, which made the man chuckle to himself.

“I was waitin’ on ya, ya know.” The man thrusted his huge hands inside his black trouser pockets, and began to slowly circle Eren, as if he was sizing him up for something.

Eren kept his eyes forward, and listened as each foot hit the ground beside him. Every step shook at Eren’s heart, but he dared not fall to the ground in fear just yet. His mind was starting to come back to him, and with it, came his crystal walls. It was easier as the man slowly circled him-although he was looking at Eren like it was his lucky day- because the 11 year old boy felt slightly better when he couldn’t see him at all.

But only slighty.

Even then, it was enough to shock Eren’s awareness level, and he focused his concentration on mentally building up his walls and chaining his heart. He could hear the man in the background begin to talk again, but he couldn’t listen just yet. He refused to listen until he knew that he would be able to get through this whole ordeal without breaking.

So he built. Crystals. Hard, rock solid layer after layer after layer, surrounding his frail mind and wrapping him up in indestructible crystal. He didn’t know what the rock was really made of, but he knew that it was impossible to break. No one could get past it, and that’s what really mattered. The man could never touch him here. He was safe inside his cave, and holding his heavily chained heart close to his body, Eren let himself sleep.

 

 

“So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”

Another lecherous grin.

Green eyes focused on the brown haired man standing in front of him.

“Trade?”

Laughter. “Yeah, Runt. _Trade._ Ya should be worth about that. It’s a good deal for ya.”

Thinking. “…Can you get any kind of food?”

The man stood back at full height, crossed his arms, and looked slightly impressed. “Hoh, someone’s getting smart. Ya, I got a hand dipped in some pots here and there. But that’s all I got for today. Take it or leave it, Runt-boy. We can work something out for next time. Kapeesh?”

Eren felt himself swallow.

“Okay.”

A lust-filed grin was caught by the moon’s light.

“Then let’s get started.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it wasn't too rough! i told you guys it went in a different direction then intended, but i hope it ended up alright. 
> 
> actually, I DO HAVE A QUESTION: Obviously, the next chapter will be very dark. AND thinking of writing those dark scenes is kinda weirding me out! 'shudder'. 
> 
> ANYWAYS; do you want me to go into detail during the "trade"? or kinda gloss over it? I'm thinking I'll shadow over it if you know what I mean, because Eren has locked himself in his own mind, like dissociation.  
> SO PLEASE give me your opinions! if you want it dark, I will do it! but if enough of you don't, let me know. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT :) reviews give me inspiration! i'm looking at next saturday for the next update.


	4. The Destruction and Rebirth of Eren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes back for a trade.  
> He's destroyed.  
> Just what kind of Eren returns to Armin and Mikasa?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Hey Guys! Thanks so much for all the suggestions and comments! I loved hearing your opinions and reviews. Now, it seems that i always have an idea of every chapter so far, but its like when i type, the chapter writes itself and goes in a completely different direction! imagine that.
> 
> SO I HOPE this meets your approval, as i am kind of in love with how much i mentally damage Eren, (SORRY), but it was needed, i promise! 
> 
> PLEASE read the tags, as this is a underage/rape story.

Pounding.

His head?

No, wait.

His heart.

No, wait, there-

There was something else, what else was-

_Wait no wait WAIT_

Thrust.

_Stop Stop No please It Hurts So Bad_

Thrust.

_I… I can’t do this_

Thrust.

_Please…_

Thrust.

“Fuck, you’re a tight little thing.”

_Please._

Thrust.

_PLEASE!_

“Hey, Runt.”

A male’s blurry face came into view.

“Next week, yeah? That was fucking good. I’ll even try to bring some meat for ya. If you haven’t got enough already, geddit? Hahaha.”

Laughter. Footsteps. Then- no. Nothing but darkness.

It was so dark.

And…

Wetness.

On his face? Yes, he was crying.

Shivering. He was cold too.

Naked.

His body curled in closer for warmth.

Oh.

Apparently his face wasn’t the only part of his body that was wet.

 

 

The next time Eren opened his eyes, it was still dark out. It was as silent as a graveyard, with no one in sight of the alleyway. Slowly blinking, Eren gradually became more aware of himself and of his surroundings. He was naked and curled up in a little ball on the dirty ground, with his torn clothes tossed to the side and a small pile of food on top. He let out a sigh of relief at the sight, and attempted a small smile.

But too quickly, the small upturn of his lips disappeared and instead began to tremble into a quiet sob, and his eyes watered again like an overflowing river. The trembling seemed to be contagious, and his body violently shook along with his mouth. His quivering hands, which were curled up near his face, grabbed at the ground, unconsciously trying to look for something to keep himself in reality. His nails dug into the cold earth, tiny rocks cutting up his fingertips because of the force used. His eyes, battling the unwavering salty tears, glanced back at the food sitting innocently in a pile across from him, and his face gradually twisted into a determined-like expression, despite the tears running down his reddened cheeks. He huffed out a ragged breath, pressed down on the dirty earth, and turned his shaking body until his knees and hands were holding him up. His drooped head faced the ground, and the tears left his face to drop down into the dirty gravel. Snot from his nose followed slowly, and caught the end pieces of his hair. Gravity… everything was falling away from him, and into the mushy dirt. His tears, his drool, his-

Something was leaking out of his-

_Tell me that isn’t what I think it is please oh please_

It was as if time had stopped- Eren couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, could only feel-

_I can feel something-_

Something wet dripped out of Eren’s backside, and slowly slithered downward, sliding down the inside of his thighs, and down on the side of his knees, until it began forming a tiny red pool in the ground.

_No no nonono please no-_

He didn’t want his guess to be right, but he was too frightened to not find out, so Eren reached a violently shaking hand to his backside, sliding his middle finger down until it caught on his inflamed asshole, feeling small wet globs of come and sticky blood dripping out. He brought his hand back to stare at what he had felt sliding out of him, and seeing a sticky mix of white and red, fat tears sprung to his eyes. Eren threw his hand down to the ground and rubbed it into the earth to try and get rid of the evidence. His breathing turned erratic- his lungs could not find enough air, his face becoming swollen with the amount of crying that had begun to emerge.

Everything seemed to hit Eren then; his pain, his emotions, his vulnerability. His body was hurting, his ass was on fire, his throat felt raw, and he could feel his palms and knees bleeding.

He didn’t feel any of that a few minutes ago.

But the pain from his waist down was quickly becoming a rising fire of deep agony, reaching inside as though it was burning his muscles one by one. His shaking became even more violent, he could barely hold himself up- and he felt his teeth chattering even though it wasn’t that cold anymore.

 He felt as though he would collapse any second, but some in the back of his mind knew that if he dared fall, he’d lie there until he died. So, despite the pain he was feeling, despite feeling torn in half and seeing the disgusting evidence of what had happened to him rubbed into the pebbles on the ground, he slowly began to crawl his way across the small alleyway, and toward his clothes and food. He focused his breathing to a manageable pace, and made sure his shaking limps would not give out on him as he crawled.

_The way he saw it, he could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight, but that’s it, there’s no turning back._

He moved at a snail’s pace, because every foot he gained, he seemed to also increase his pain. The width of the alleyway was not large by any means, but in Eren’s situation, it seemed as though he had to cross the whole of Wall Rose. As he crawled, his bloodied knees and palms began to leave imprints of blood on the ground, along with the trail that dripped from Eren’s ass, and the tears that left his reddened face. 

_comeonErenalmostthere_

Gasping out his breaths, he finally collapsed into the wall as he reached the other side of the alley, and clumsily reached for his clothes that were under the pile of food. He snatched up his raggedy shirt and threw it over himself, trying his best not to get any blood on it.

He just didn’t want to feel so naked anymore.

He let out a sigh of relief at the small feeling of comfort he received from the sensation of his shirt on his skin, despite the small holes that were beginning to accumulate everywhere from overuse.

The shirt helped Eren’s mental space a little, and allowed him to calm himself until he could breathe more normally and the tears stopped flowing. As he sat there for longer, the trembling slowed down to a faint whisper, and the pain seemed to have reached a standstill at an aching level.

Some part of Eren knew he shouldn’t put on his pants just yet- having run out of underwear long ago on the streets- lest he get blood on them, but he couldn’t think of any way to wash the blood ( _AndHIScomedontforgetEren)_ off of his body. And there was no way he was walking out of the alley without pants on.

_Probably get raped again._

He threw the back of his hands at his face in despair at the thought, grounding them into his eyes as if it was making his thoughts disappear.

_No NO thiswasntrapeitWasntrape_

_I let it happen._

_I LET it happen._

Eren’s eyes spied his bloody trail on the ground.

_I let him do this to me._

_We traded._

The pile of food was caught in the corner of his eye.

_I did what needed to be done._

Oh. He was crying again.

 

 

Time passed. Eren had sat there for quite a while, and in the back of his mind, he knew he would be late getting back to Armin and Mikasa. He had eventually pulled on his pants, which had taken quite the effort, as a throbbing agony had ripped through the lower half of his body when stepping into the ragged trousers. He was pretty sure there was a growing dark spot on the backside now, but didn’t find it in himself to care just yet. He had wasted enough time crying, and needed to get the food back to his friends. He needed to come to terms with what had happened, build up his façade, and begin the walk home. Because, as Eren looked at the pile of food on the ground, he knew he had to get back to Armin and Mikasa. And in one piece, preferably.

_“So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”_

Eren grimaced as he heard the man’s voice in his head, as his glanced as the food in concern. In the sorry state he was in, he knew he couldn’t carry it all back by hiding it in his clothes. Plus, he’d probably get his blood on the food… No, he needed to find a box to carry it all in, despite the fear of others stealing it. If anyone on the streets saw him alone and with this much food, he’d be done for. His best bet was to be quiet and fast, sticking to the shadows as much as possible.

_“I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”_

Eren shook his head as he heard the voice again. He spied the garbage bags he had rifled through earlier looking for food, and gently heaved himself up before limping toward them at a slow pace. He dropped down on his knees slowly, mindful of his wounds, and tore through the bags until he found a small wooden box he could use. Yes, that would definitely work. He pushed himself up again, groaning at the sharp pain, and limped his way back to the food.

_“…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”_

Eren dropped down again at the food, hastily grabbing at the loaf of bread to throw in the box.

_“…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”_

His shaking hands tossed in the cans of beans.

_“…for good behavior.”_

He snatched the cut of cheese into his hand, almost crushing it with his trembling grip, and threw it into the box.

Out of sight, out of mind.

He refused to think about it any longer. He had to get home. Well, really, he had to wash up first. So he needed to go to the river before meeting Mikasa and Armin, otherwise they would figure out what had happened.

_What had really happened? I don’t remember all of it._

Well, Eren thought, maybe that was for the best. He really only remembered some vague flashes, which were traumatizing enough on their own.

Either way, _don’t think about it Eren._

With the box in his hands, he set out of the alleyway limping, and tried his best to be as quiet as possible as he made his way through the sleeping town.

As Eren shuffled on, he knew that he had to get a hold of his mental state before meeting his friends. They were evidently going to ask why his palms and knees were torn up, obvious through the holes in his pants. 

But as he tried his best to reinforce his crystal walls over his mind, he knew there was no way that they could have fully protected him from what had happened in the alleyway. He had done his best to separate himself from the event, but his body had still been taken, and his mind had still been traumatized beyond belief. He could hear whispers of what the man had said to him in his ear, he could still feel large hands bruising his hips, he could still feel his lungs crying for air when his throat was blocked by something… _something-_

Something that had torn him up and blindsided him with the most pain he had ever felt in his life.

Something that had him bloodied and limping to wash away the evidence.

Something that had ripped him apart, used him for pleasure, and deemed his body worthy of a loaf of bread, 3 cans of beans, and piece of cheese.

Right.

Because he had been good, apparently.

_“So fucking good, love your tight little body.”_

Eren shook his head again to get rid of the disturbing voice. Tears threatened his eyes once again, and his heart pounded in a fearful response of the slight memory. He felt his stomach grow nauseous at the thought, and did his best to hold down the bile that was clawing up his shredded throat.

It felt like it was burning him from the inside out.

Eren gulped the rising vomit back down, the sharp pain making him gasp. Tears specked the corner of his eyes, but he refused to begin crying again. He gritted his teeth and hastened his pace towards the river, still carrying the box of food in his arms.

He refused to stop. If he stopped and thought about it more, he knew he wouldn’t get back up again.

_He could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight, but that’s it, there’s no turning back._

He would do his best to fight. Fight for Mikasa, Fight for Armin. Fight for their survival.

Because he didn’t care for himself. No. He would do anything for his friends. So he would let the man use him. Let the man use his body. Just let him save his friends. Let him save his _family_.

 

 

_Finally._

Eren saw the dark river that marked the edge of the city that he, Armin, and Mikasa resided in. He could hear the hidden water through the trees; it was so quiet out in the night that his uneven breathing had been the only sound he could listen to on the journey out of town. It had hurt, _Gods_ , how it had hurt Eren, the painful walk that was accompanied with a noticeable limp and blood drops every few feet. He thought the injury had finally settled, but it seemed that walking had did him no favors down there, and he knew he really needed to wash himself and his pants. During the walk to the river, he had to feel the uncomfortable sensation of blood and semen sliding between his ass cheeks, and it only served as a nasty reminder of what he had recently went through. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking of why he was hurting so badly down there, and for the last half hour of walking, all he had been wishing for was to clean the dirt, the blood, _him_ \- from his body. He just felt so dirty.

 _He felt disgusting_.

And although the water could physically wash off the filthy blood and semen, Eren doubted he would ever feel clean again. No. he had been used and torn and shredded from the inside out. But he figured he could survive like this; because only he would know about the true devastation of injuries that laid inside him. If the water did its job on the outside, and Eren could reinforce his crystal walls to protect Armin and Mikasa from the truth, then he could deal with himself internally later.

Though he already knew that no matter how hungry he was, he wouldn’t be eating. There was no way he would eat until his ass could heal a little more. He wouldn’t survive an infection. No, he could pretend, but he would just have to hide the food until he thought his body could handle it. At least for another day.

He just hoped his stomach would understand… hunger pains were horrible to have.

Eren reached the bank of the small river, relieved to find no one near it. Really, with all the refugees around, nowadays many tried to camp out by the river for its various resources it could provide. Drinking water, baths, toilets- yes, the small river was quite valuable to everyone for one thing or another, despite its unsanitariness. But with that in mind, the Military Police liked to make sure that any refugee camping out near the water spent the next few days with some bruises and broken bones. Later on, they were lucky anyone on the river survived an encounter with the MP’s, because no one important enough seemed to care what they did to the refugees- they were taking up Wall Rose’s valuable resources, after all.

Luckily, at this time at night, Eren couldn’t see anyone. The couple of MP’s that liked to sit by the river were most likely passed out from having fun at the bars in town, anyways. And no refugees were stupid enough to camp on the banks anymore. So Eren limped himself over to the edge of the water, dropping off the box of food in a patch of grass before taking off his shirt and pants. He was careful pulling off his clothing, but had to groan in pain when he felt a sharp sting race up his spine when he stepped out of his pants. He didn’t have to wash his shirt-luckily he had gotten no blood on it- but definitely need to wash his pants. They had a huge dark stain in the back, which was still slightly damp.

_Hopefully I can get this out._

He grimaced to himself as he brushed his fingers over the damp fabric, trying not to think about why there was a blood spot on the back of his clothing. He let out a deep breath and jumbled up his pants in his hand, and stepped into the slow river until he was waist deep.

He had only water to clean himself and his pants, and he knew- from his experience in the fall of Wall Maria- that blood would not come out with only that. His best bet was to scrub the pants as hard as he could without tearing a new hole in them, and then throwing some dirt on the whole area so it looked like a huge stain.

Great. So really, he had to get his pants dirty as soon as they were clean.

Eren focused on washing his pants first, unconsciously trying to put off washing himself. But eventually he could scrub no harder, and threw his wet pants on the bank where the food and his shirt sat. All that was left was washing himself.

Right.

His palms and knees had stung for a while when he had first stepped into the river, but as he spent more time in the water, the cuts had cleaned and he only had to rub out the dried blood. He quickly ran his hands over his legs and torso, trying not to get water on his upper half.  Mikasa and Armin would notice if he had fully bathed, as it had all been a while since they had visited the river. Their hair was dirty, and their skin had layers of grime settled on it, and a clean head of hair along with whitened skin would definitely cause some questions that morning.

But Eren could eventually procrastinate no further, and forced himself to brush his fingers against his anus. His breathing staggered as he felt a small sting, but continued to push himself. He wouldn’t think about it. No, he _couldn’t_ think about it.

_Just clean up already, Eren._

His ragged breathing grew gradually louder, the sound echoing loudly in the silence of the night, and his body tensed as he forced his first finger to slowly penetrate himself.

“Nngh…ow ow ow!”

Oh it hurt. How it hurt. Just his finger, barely inside, and he already felt the beginnings of the  crippling sensation that had been his ultimate agony back in the alleyway.

He could feel the man, he could feel _him_ , inside… inside _,_ hurting, _oh gods did it hurt, it hurt so bad_ \- please, _please stop!_

Eren gasped in terror as the faint flashback tormented his mind, phantomlike sensations tingled over his body, his muscles tightening in response. His body tensed, and that only made the pain worse. He removed his fingertip as fast as he could without hurting himself more, and yanked his hand up out of the water. Without thinking, he quickly bit down on the meaty part of his hand, hard, despite the open cuts layered on the skin, and let out a screaming sob. His eyes clenched shut, and his bite became deeper, almost creating a bloody wound of its own. Thankfully, Eren had just enough sense left in him to keep himself from harming his body even further.

But he needed this. He had to smother the scream somehow.

Gods, his emotions were everywhere. He couldn’t keep it together. He felt as if his blood was boiling over, that his head was breaking open, that his heart would drum so hard that it would open up his chest cavity and everything- his secrets, his feelings, his past- would all come gushing out for everyone to see. For everyone to look at.

_“He did what?”_

_“Yeah, he’s been selling himself.”_

_“He’s disgusting.”_

_“How much for a night?”_

_“He’s a boy toy.”_

_“A whore.”_

_“Worth just a couple of canned goods!”_

He could hear them talk in his head. The people he passes by every day, their faces looking at him in disgust. Men peeking at him in the corner of their eyes, waving food at his face, asking for a trade.

Quickly, his screaming turning into quiet sobbing, and his mouth let go of his hand, drool sliding over the indented skin until it was dropped into the water. He could practically see Mikasa’s and Armin’s faces, looking at him in horror and shame.

Gods, they can never know.

They will never know.

_Get ahold of yourself or they’ll find out!_

Eren took a shaky breath, his crying steadily slowing down to faint whimpers. He eventually brought up his hands to wipe at his eyes, getting rid of the last of his crying for the night. He couldn’t shed anymore tears; his face needed to calm down, or else everyone would know that he had been crying. He looked up into the dark sky, the moon shining behind a couple of clouds. He took another breath, deeper this time, and slowly nodded to himself.

_Do what needs to be done._

_Hide yourself, Eren._

Eren began to shut himself down again, his crystal walls appearing, sturdy and strong in his mind. Their appearance seemed to come easier to Eren every time he thought of their protection and safety. And right now, he needed them to get him through the rest of the night.

Hide his broken body.

Hide his lies and tears.

Hide his chaotic mind.

Erect an Eren that came back from a long night of cleaning off the dirt and grime from the bar, who had gotten in another fight, and scraped up his hands and knees on the gravel with picking up trash.

Hide his sore throat and limp by pretending he wasn’t in pain.

He wasn’t in pain.

He’s not in pain.

Okay.

_Clean yourself up, Eren._

Eren practiced his walk the rest of the way home. It was hard not to limp, but after a while on the road, he got used to the painful sensation every time he took a step. It was also much more helpful not having blood and semen sliding around in his backside every step.

As he had finished finally washing himself in the river, he had also built his crystal wall more firmly, wrapping it around himself like a blanket. It would be his façade, and he knew it had to be a good one. Mikasa and Armin were already suspicious about the whole job, and he knew that they would notice anything that was off when he came back. He focused his mind now to play an Eren who was tired from working, but happy to bring back so much food. An Eren who was glad to see his friends, and apologize for his behavior earlier, because he knew he had been a complete jerk to them. An Eren who would mention, _oh by the way, I did get in a fight, that’s why I’m a little scratched up, fell into the mud you see, that why my pants are so dirty, but it’s okay Mikasa, I’m fine!_

This Eren needed to be unbreakable. He admits, the first time he came back, there were cracks. He let himself slip, let Mikasa and Armin worry about him. But this time, yes, this time- Eren wouldn’t give them anything to worry over. Eren would be his normal 11 year old self to his friends, and they would never notice anything different.

_Never._

Eren finally reached his town, knowing he was much later than usual, and his arms were tired of carrying the box for so long. His pants were still drying, but the backside was dirty enough that he couldn’t pick out the bloodstain separately, so he figured that would be good enough. After getting out of the river, he had rolled himself in the dirt so that his wet pants could hide the stain. It was like he had never taken a quick bath, if you didn’t question why his pants were wet.

He turned down the main road of the town, sticking to the sides of the buildings, as he could barely see because it was so dark. He tried his best to be quiet, for if any other stragglers saw him with a box, especially if they were other refugees, he could easily be robbed and killed. And if any MP’s saw him, they would automatically figure the food was stolen goods, most likely because the cans looked like they were from soldiers rations. At least that’s what Eren thought- he remembered Hannes eating from cans like them.

Reaching the alleyway he and his friends called home, he turned inside and briskly walked further down, where he saw two huddled shadows in the end corner.

“Armin, Mikasa!”

The two figures jumped up. “Eren!”

They ran and tried to hug him, but the box in his hands got in the way.

“What’s in the box?” Armin asked, his hands coming up to open the top.

“Food! Look at how much I got this time.”

Erin grinned at them as he motioned for Armin to open the box. Their eyes widened as they peered inside, and Armin began slowly pulling the goods out of it.

“three cans… bread… and- cheese?” Armin questioned. “Cheese? Really? Wow!”

“He gave you all that, Eren? That’s- wait! What happened to your hands?” Mikasa’s eyes widened slightly, her eyes featured on Eren’s scrapped palms, barely noticeable from his hold on the box.

“And, and you pants… Why are they all wet? What happened, did you get in another fight again?”

Eren grinned at them sheepishly.

“Ah- well, yeah, but I’m fine!” Eren took the box and propped on the side of the wall, and slowly sat down where the small next of blankets were. “And I fell into the mud, the guy pushed me into it, right before I was leaving. He was just mad I was a refugee, you know? I was actually lucky he didn’t take the food.”

_Keep calm, Eren, you’re fine, it doesn’t hurt I promise, forget it, focus Eren, focus on the story._

“That’s really lucky, actually,” Armin stated, his eyes looking thoughtfully at Eren. “That was risky of you to walk back with that all in a box, instead of hiding it all in your clothes. You could’ve been hurt.”

“I know, but I was exhausted from cleaning, and I didn’t want dirt to get on the food!”

_Stupid, stupid! Stupid excuse Eren, you didn’t think about that you didn’t think did you really Eren you didn’t want your BLOOD on the food hurry change the subject come on focus EREN_

He laughed quickly, looking away. “Look, its fine- really! I’m here. Anyways, um… look, I… I just wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. You know- with what I said and everything.” He looked back at his friends, his green eyes pleading for forgiveness.

“Oh Eren.” Mikasa looked back at him, sighed quietly, and sat down next to him on the ground, pulling at a thin blanket to cover them both. Armin followed suit, pausing just beforehand to put the food back in the box, hide it with the other few goods Mikasa had stolen earlier, and settled down on the other side of Eren. They had been waiting up all night for their friend to return home, and now that Eren was here, sleepiness came rushing in at full force.

“Of course we forgive you. I just worry… you and Armin are all I have left.” Her eyes connected with Eren’s, before she laid her head on his shoulder. “I can’t lose you.”

Eren’s body tensed at Mikasa’s touch, but slowly relaxed, his head falling on top of hers.

“You won’t.”

Armin’s hand sneaked into Eren’s, linking their palms together. He felt the scratches on his friend’s palm, and frowned.

“We’re here for you, Eren. Don’t forget that. We’ll make it through this.” Armin tightened his blanket, cuddling up to his friend’s side, and yawned.

Eren glanced at Armin, who head had knocked onto Eren’s shoulder in sleepiness.

“I know we will.”

Eren closed his eyes in exhaustion, and prayed that he would fall asleep without nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW POOR EREN. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought! i'm really excited for this chapters response. Love you all!
> 
> Next time, We'll MOST LIKELY see Mikasa and Armin's thoughts on Eren, and Eren's establishment of a trading routine in the town. Will he have more offers?


	5. You break me down, You build me up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to evade a problem without being caught.  
> Mikasa is still in protection mode.  
> Armin thinks ahead, and brings up a good question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEY guys! :D  
> okay, REALLY FAST:  
> -I was expecting to be way more ahead in this story in this chapter, but turns out i needed to add in some things, so this is really more of a filler :( and i hate fillers so i'm so sorry!   
> -Def not my favorite chapter but it needed to be done.   
> -Hope it's not too bad :(  
> _Didn't reread it so i hope the flow isn't too choppy and hope it makes sense lol

With the food that both Eren and Mikasa had gotten the night before, they knew that they would last for around week if they saved it well. Mikasa had ended up coming back with two potatoes, but Armin ran into some trouble with some over refugee scavengers that night and had to come back empty handed. Nevertheless, the food they now had was a small feast for the three orphans, and they made sure to keep a careful watch on their tiny territory in the alley, lest someone else came around to try and steal from them.

When Armin had woken the morning after, Eren had already left for the day, which was odd in itself. Usually, two of them would go out in the mornings to look for some time of work, despite never finding any. They just blended in with the crowd, and were never picked over more capable adults. Generally, Armin stayed in their alley, protecting their food and home while Mikasa and Eren searched. They would have better luck being picked up than Armin, who looked more fragile and frail than his friends. No, Armin used his days primarily for finding shelter supplies. He was the best out of the three when trading items with refugees, such as with blankets or clothes. Mikasa frightened too many with her blank stare, and Eren didn’t have the patience. Really, Armin had the best social skills out of the three, and he did his best to be useful for Eren and Mikasa. For the past few weeks, he had actually been on an unsuccessful hunt for more blankets, because in a few months, the cold would be creeping in and they needed some type of warmth to survive. Winter on the streets would be a challenge for them, and with all the refugee shelters still filled, they needed to start preparing now if they wanted to survive.

But that wouldn’t happen if Eren disappeared like this. It’s not like this was uncommon, Eren occasionally went off on his own- which drove Mikasa insane- but he usually never did in the early mornings. Instead, they typically used this time to plan out their day, such as who stays to guard their home and who goes out to look for work. Or what Armin can use to trade for clothes. On rare occasions, they would wake up when dawn had just arrived, and go take a quick bath in the river before any Military Police began patrolling.

He figured he could trade the potatoes Mikasa stole for a couple of blankets if he got lucky. Or, He could trade the cans of beans. Once Eren got back and Mikasa woke up, they could discuss what they were willing to give up. Though he already knew there was no way they would trade the bread or cheese. The bread would last them the longest, and the cheese had nutrients that were valuable to their bodies. No, they would have to give up either the beans or potatoes.

Armin felt Mikasa shift her head on his lap, where it had fallen when Eren had left. She slowly blinked her eyes open, squinting at the early morning light that fell into the darker alley.

“Armin? Where’s Eren?” She asked, sitting herself up, wrapping herself tighter in her blanket.

“He must have left already, he was gone when I woke up.”

Mikasa frowned.

“Why would he leave so early in the morning? He knows we need to plan out what to eat and save for the next couple of days…”

Armin’s eyes glanced at the bottom of the wall that contained the hiding spot- a couple of loose bricks- that held their small pile of food. “I guess we can do it ourselves, Eren knows what we’d want to do when we woke up. He’ll probably be back soon.”

“…if he’s not back after were done sorting I’m going to go look for him.”

Armin sighed and nodded his head, not wanting to argue, and got up to go grab the food. He loosened the bricks on the bottom- Armin had created this storage spot when they found this area to live in- and pulled out the box of food. Sitting back down by Mikasa, they both began sorting the food into days, murmuring to each other about what would last for the three of them, and for how long.

They didn’t need much food per day anymore, as their bodies were used to starving and could survive on just a little amount of food. The bread could last all of them three days, the cans a day each, and same with the potatoes. The cheese, they decided, was a rare gift, and would be eaten a little every day. This gave them about a week’s worth of food, considering they still needed to decide what to take out and trade for blankets. They also eventually decided- reluctantly on Mikasa’s part- that they could eat more per day depending on when Eren would go back to his ‘job’.

Armin had just noticed something odd about the cans of beans in his hands when he saw Mikasa snap her head to look at the opening of the alley.

“Eren!”

Armin turned around, spotting Eren’s figure walking down the alleyway towards them. He was smiling, but looked tired- he had dark circles under his eyes. With his hands cradling something small near his stomach, Eren walked to their corner of their alley, and sat down next to Armin.

“Morning! Uh- sorry about not being here,” He said sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders. “I thought I saw berries last night on the walk back, and decided to go check and see before anyone else found them!”

Eren held out a fisted hands, unveiling it to show a small pile of colorful berries resting in his palms. His fingers were died pink and blue from their juices.

“Here! These are yours, I already ate mine. Saves us more food, right?” He smiled at their astonished faces, and dumped the berries into their awaiting hands.

“Wow! Eren- I can’t believe you found berries, that’s super lucky.” Armin said, already gobbling up his share of the fruit. Mikasa was savoring her pile, slowly chewing on one berry at a time.

Eren smiled again, happy that he had found more food for his friends. In truth, he had been up for a while, had left the warm bodies of his friends before the sun came up. He had only slept for about an hour and a half and could not go back to sleep again. The dreams that had filled his mind in that short amount of time had not been pleasant, and he felt himself breaking while sitting in between Armin and Mikasa. Not wanting to sit there with his thoughts roaming, he instead focused his mind towards figuring out what to do about his non-eating situation. Eren couldn’t eat for the next few days if he didn’t want to chance an infection _down there_. He may faint from lack of food, but he’d rather experience that then the pain of shitting. His body was still so small, and he needed his ass to recover from the other night before anything traveled through his torn passage again.

He knew that his friends would wonder why he wasn’t eating, because they were all experiencing hunger pains. So he had to go find food and say he ate it, and with evidence to show. At least for the first day. Mikasa would surely be suspicious otherwise; he knew they were already wary about his recent behavior. He needed to change that- he needed to stop their worries. He needed to make sure they believed that he was fine. Because he was fine.

_He was fine…_

_He was fine._

With a tentative plan set, Eren decided to leave their home while it was still dark, and go back to the river. Sometimes, if one was lucky, it was possible to find food out in the woods. Especially if the Military Police were guarding the river, there was bound to be at least a handful of nuts or berries nearby, as they were (most times) too stupid to know what was poisonous and what wasn’t. Luckily, Armin had taught Mikasa and Eren about the natural foods that could be eaten in the woods.

Hopefully, the MP’s were still not awake yet, and he could look around unnoticed before daylight really hits.

After gently prying himself away from the tentacle arms of Mikasa and Armin, Eren headed toward the river, where after two hours of searching, three times of giving up, and two near run-ins with some groggy MP’s, he had finally found a small patch of berries hidden deep in the woods behind the river. It really wasn’t much at all, only a handful could be taken- and they weren’t even in the best shape- but it would work, and Eren was overjoyed with his luck, despite feeling exhausted and his body hurting from the lingering pain that branched through his muscles.

In spite of his shattered body, the walk to the woods and back had greatly helped Eren. It had allowed him to clear the building anxiety he had from coming back and sleeping in between Armin and Mikasa. It was difficult, going through what he had that night, then coming back into safe arms that knew nothing of the trauma he had just experienced. He had felt cheated, unwanted, and dirty, despite knowing it wasn’t their fault for being ignorant. He didn’t want them to know after all, and although he could create a brave face, he was an 11 year old boy at heart, who had just wanted understanding and comfort from people who loved him.

But he would never get understanding.

And comfort would never be known again.

His friends’ touches had hurt, in a way that could only be described as shame. He was ashamed of what he had done, what he would do, and his mind felt that their loving touches only heightened that feeling.

So sitting in the middle of them, falling asleep, had shame gripping his heart- humiliation boiling in his blood- with his own filth and disgrace.

Sleep had hoped to be a sanctuary, but turned into a memory-filled nightmare instead. Flashes of what had happened, of his pride being tossed away and any self-love he had ever built inside himself, had crumbled into dust. He felt lucky he had gotten any sleep at all, honestly. But he didn’t look like it.

Dark circles hung beneath his eyes, his skin was dry and dull, and the cuts on his palms and knees were red with irritation. His body still hurt- he couldn’t help but limp as soon as he was alone, and his throat felt raw. Hunger pains came, and he nearly ate some berries, but knew he would thank himself later.

So when he finally made his way back to Mikasa and Armin, it was early in the morning still, and he had gone through two small panic attacks during the trip. But now, he fashioned his façade once again, the crystal walls holding back his hurt and shame, his flinching and limping, and he threw up a bright smile at his friend’s faces when they were eating the berries.

Though really, he was smiling more because they thought he had already ate, and didn’t even seem suspicious.

_So far, so good._

“Hey, Eren?” Eren looked to his left where Armin was sitting, but his blue eyes were focused on the food pile in front of the trio. Armin and Mikasa had both just finished eating their berries, and their hands and lips were dyed faintly with the color blue.

“…Yeah?” His heart began to beat faster in response, a weird feeling spread through his body in anticipation of Armin’s question. Both he and Mikasa watched as Armin reached to pick up a can of beans, turning it around to present its front to his friends.

“Aren’t these…rations from the Military police? Or the Garrison? I think they have the same rations actually… and I don’t know about the Scout Regiment, but I would think that they all receive the same rations…” Armin kept turning the can slowly, the marks on the metal glinting in the sunlight. “These are definitely bigger than the cans I had taken that one time, and I think the marks say… ‘ _rations…military police’_? …I don’t know, I’m not familiar with a lot of these words.” He hummed to himself, and gave the can to Mikasa, who held her hand out for it.

“If those cans come from actual rations, which I’m pretty sure they do, at least based on their size- how did the bar owner you go to get these?” Armin’s eyes turned to Eren’s, who had widened at the surprised news.

“I…I dunno? I mean, I took what he gave me… how am I supposed to know where he got the food?”

Mikasa frowned. “He shouldn’t be allowed to have these, it’s only for our military. That’s not good at all….” She snapped her thin eyes to Eren’s. “I don’t want you to go back there. If that guy you work for is handing these out to you, there’s no doubt he’s in something illegal. You’ll only get caught up in it.”

“Wait-what? No!”

“If the Military Police find out he has their rations who knows what could happen! He’ll probably blame it on you! And then what?” Mikasa shoved the can back at the ground in frustration.

His heart pounded, rage bubbled in his mind. “Seriously, Mikasa? We’re practically starving on the streets, and you want to give up the food I’ve got for you because it’s illegal?”

Eren’s eyes were slowly widening in disbelief at his sister’s comments. What was she thinking? How could she say that? He had gone through so much… _so much!_ For this food. To bring back to them. To feed them and keep them alive. And okay, yeah, it _was_ weird that the cans were most likely from military rations- he didn’t even want to _begin_ thinking about what that could mean- but seriously?

_Fuck this._

“If you _haven’t_ noticed, we kinda don’t have another option for food. We see people dying everyday on the streets from starvation! Stealing is barely getting us anything- we’re lucky that I’ve found something that can get us this much food to eat! What’s _wrong_ with you?” Eren let out a breath of disbelief, stood up with help from the wall, and looked down at Mikasa, whose eyes had widened at Eren’s anger. She hadn’t moved, and looked away from Eren’s eyes, knowing she was wrong this time. She didn’t think before she spoke, she only saw another way to get Eren from going back to that bar.

Eren continued his small rampage, but tried to dial himself back when he noticed Mikasa had yielded, “Who cares if it’s illegal…. anything we do to survive is illegal right now. I just can’t get caught, and I won’t.” He huffed out a couple of breathes, before looking at Armin, who had stayed silent through their fight.

“We can’t sell the beans out there, just in case people realize they’re for the military. So let’s take the potatoes- we can try and exchange them for blankets. …I’ll just go back earlier to try and see if I can get more food.” Eren bent down to grab the potatoes in his hands, and winced at the movement. He took a sharp inhale of breath when he stood back up, and began walking out of the alley, not looking back to see if Armin was following.

“…Um, okay- Wait up, Eren!” Armin scrambled up, trying to shake off the small shock of the fight that had just occurred, and jogged after Eren. He quickly called to Mikasa over his shoulder, locking eyes with her, “We’ll be back, soon! I’ll calm him down.” He gave her a small smile and wave before catching up to Eren on the dirty street.

Mikasa watched them leave the alleyway. She was just trying to protect Eren, but reluctantly understood that that was the wrong way to go about it. She just couldn’t help herself- she acted before thinking, and it just got her into another fight with her brother. She still didn’t like him going to that bar- especially now since he brought back rations. That was troubling in itself, but although she wouldn’t admit it, what Eren said was right. It was still food, and they needed it, no matter the danger of getting caught.

But- she saw him flinch earlier… his palms and knees were badly scraped up, and he had left early in the morning. Something was off… but with him being so defensive, she didn’t know what else to do except wait, until there were more signs of trouble. So she sat in their makeshift home, deciding to spend her time trying to get rid of the trash that had blown in during the night, and thinking of how to apologize later on to Eren. She was tired of fighting with him.  

 

 

Eren and Armin were walking the side streets of the city, where they were more accepted when seen. The roads were smaller, and filled with lower-end merchants who couldn’t compete with the other dealers on the main road of the city. Their feet brushed on the warm gravel, the small rocks not bothering their hardened feet. They turned down more side streets, walking deeper into the more seedy parts of the city, passing by scantly-clad women who were trying to invite them in- not caring that they were so young still. No- everyone in this area only wanted coin or food. Survival of the fittest. And this was where Armin could find someone willing to give up something they owned for sustenance.

They had previously lived in this area when Armin’s grandpa left them. They had nowhere else to go, especially with the shelters remaining full, and this was where the remaining refugees were migrated to. It was a frightening time for them, as they were all on their own, and had no idea what to do. His grandpa had been their main food source, but when he had to leave, they were helpless to the deep pit of the city. They were tossed and dragged around for a while, living off of what they had left, until they had ventured out and found their little alleyway, anxious to get out of the seedier spots of the city, where starvation was creeping in like a virus. They were lucky, in a way, as the MP tried to hustle all the refugees into this area, as if to try and hide the extra amount of people in the city. As if to try and hide their backhanded murder of starving men, women, and children.

Coming back to the dodgy area, they noticed that it had only gotten worse. Rumors had even spread that this part of the city was turning into the ‘Above Underground’, with its advancing fatalities and thieveries. There were less kids running around, less women holding their babies, less men trying to build small shacks in corners. It was obvious why. The people they passed by were skin and bones, frail and miserable. They could practically smell death in every corner, and were pretty sure there were some dead bodies tucked in the corner on the side of the tiny road, waiting to be picked up.

But as they were walking through the streets again, they fit in as if they had never left. Eren and Armin were both noticeably undernourished, and their clothes were ragged and torn. Bare feet with dirty hair- yes- it was as though the small amount of food they had received had done nothing for their bodies.

Armin and Eren had walked around for a while, Armin directing Eren to follow him. Armin knew what they were looking for: someone with a lot of blankets to spare. It would be a hard search, but he was confident someone was hoarding covers somewhere. So they continued to walk through the streets, and as Eren slowly calmed down from his earlier fight with Mikasa, Armin finally felt it safe enough to bring it back up.

“Eren,” he began, with a cautious tone, “I know you’re angry, but Mikasa is only looking out for you… She wasn’t thinking about what she was really saying.”

Eren knew this was coming, as the whole trip with Armin had been silent. Armin had been giving him time to cool off, which, he actually needed. His hands had been in fists for most of the walk, and his face had only now had dropped into a calmer expression.

He just felt betrayed. Mikasa had no idea… _no idea_ , of what he had went through to get that food. Hell, he was still feeling the repercussions, especially with moving around so much. Walking still hurt, his stomach was in pain from the lack of food, and his palms and knees were still sore. Anger just raged inside him, hurt at the thought that Mikasa wasn’t… _thankful_.

Which sounded…. _terrible._ Horrible. He knew that. He just couldn’t help but feel that way. And it made him even more frustrated. So he had to leave, and the search for blankets was a perfect excuse. Armin was quiet throughout the fight, so he knew he would be given some time to cool down. During the walk, his mind did its best to rationalize the situation, to keep himself from going ballistic, to keep himself from hitting the walls in frustration. With everything that Eren was already holding in, this was just another part of himself that needed to be tucked away. And Armin was there, so that was an even more incentive at reeling his emotions in.

“…I know.” Short. Sweet. Keep it simple. He couldn’t show how much her words had hurt him, or else Armin would know something more was going on.

“And she’s probably feeling sorry already. Please don’t be mad at her- You doing all the hard work… and Mikasa letting you go and walk into dangerous situations… It scares her. She just wants you safe.” Armin bit his lip softly, and led them down a narrow passage, where dirty clothes hung to block out sunlight. People were crouched near the walls, glancing at them to see who was walking in their territory.

“She needs to get that I’m not her child. She needs to know that I can do this… I’m not weak. I can help us. I _am_ helping us!” His frustration leaked through slightly, his voice raising.

Armin threw up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I know that, and she’s…slowly realizing it. But you need to understand too, that you’re our friend. We will always worry about you, like you worry about us. You getting this…job, really- I think,” He paused at another turn in the passage way, where there was a darker tunnel that seemed empty of people. “…I think, that the food you get will save us through the rest of the year. Until we get into the Cadet Corps.”

Armin turned to look at Eren, his blue eyes glowing in the soft light.

“More people are dying on the streets here, the food shortage hasn’t gotten any better. Even with the Wall Maria reclamation operation, there are still way too many people inside Wall Rose.” He paused, and sighed. “They want us gone. So many refugees have taken to stealing, but it’s hard when there are so many of us, and people seem to now just…disappear.” He looked away, slowing their walk to a halt outside a thin opening of a dirty shack.

“So please, Eren. Let it go- Mikasa means well, but… she’s just terrified that one day, you’ll disappear too.”

Eren huffed out a breath and crossed his arms, leaning against the dirty wall with his back.

“Okay. Just- keep her from doing anything stupid? Like trying to protect me. Don’t let her try and save me from something that’s not even a problem.” He looked at Armin again, and smiled at him.

“And… thanks, Armin. For, um. All that.” He let out a small laugh, happy at the growing smile on his friend’s pale face.

“I’ll always be here for you, Eren.”

 

 

Two hours later, Armin and Eren were walking back to their own alley, with two blankets each. It seemed that their potatoes ran higher than usual for trading, and they were happy to leave with four decent blankets. There had been a small fight between some women in the dark corridor, and they had actually been scared someone was going to kill them for the food, but it seemed everyone was just too weak and tired to truly fight. After Armin worked his social skills, they left with splitting the two potatoes between four women, who all had given them one blanket each. Though both Armin and Eren felt guilty, as it was clear they weren’t thinking of the upcoming weather, they still made the trades and rushed out of the refugee-made territory.

The whole journey had exhausted Eren though, and with the never ending hunger pains, he was running on fumes. He had a massive headache that had only grown since morning, and his hands had begun to shake with the lack of nourishment in his body. He felt dizzy, and knew it was a good idea to try and sleep it off when they got back.

That was, if he didn’t faint first.

They dragged their exhausted bodies into the alley and up to Mikasa, who smiled warily at them both.

“Hey, guys.”

“Hey, Mikasa! Look what we got.” Armin threw his blankets on her, giggling at her confused face.

“We traded for four blankets. If we keep this up, we’ll be okay for winter.”

“That’s really good news. I’m glad we have enough food to exchange.” Her eyes glanced to Eren’s, searching for some type of forgiveness, hoping he had calmed down enough while away.

Eren gave a small smile of surrender to Mikasa when their eyes connected, noticing how regretful she appeared, and slid in next to where she was sitting. He rested his head on her tense shoulder, which relaxed at his touch. She sighed softly in relief, and carefully reached underneath all the blankets to lock their hands together underneath the blanket. Cautious of his scraped palms, he squeezed her hand in forgiveness.

Armin smiled at his two friends, glad they were alright with each other again, though he noticed how exhausted Eren had looked in that moment. His eyes were already closed, and his face relaxed. He sat down next to him, trapping Eren in the middle again. They all had a long night and early morning; a nap seemed like a good idea, so he shut his eyes to close out the sun.

For the next couple of days, the three friends spent most of their time with each other, either doing small errands or looking to pick up any work offered in the area. Of course, they could find none, but they continued to try nonetheless. Eren continued to leave early in the mornings for berries or nuts he’d find, but would come back emptyhanded more often than not. Armin thought it seemed like Eren was trying to leave more food for him and Mikasa, but didn’t have any evidence to call him out on.

He also noticed how Eren didn’t eat his meal of the day, claiming that the berries filled his stomach already. No matter what Armin or Mikasa said, he didn’t begin eating until around three days after he had come back with his food, and that was only because he had fainted on them, after acting like his head was in the clouds all day. But luckily, he had fainted just outside of their ally, so he and Mikasa just dragged his body to the blankets where he slept like the dead for the rest of the night.

Mikasa was extremely concerned, and practically stuffed food down his throat when he had woken up. She then spent the next twenty minutes rampaging about his lack of self-care, and _why wasn’t he eating for Gods sakes?_

But all they had received was a mumbled answer about not feeling like it, not feeling _well_ , which was terrifying in itself. As they couldn’t _afford_ to get sick- sick meant dying.

So that brought on a whole other rage from Mikasa.

But eventually, Armin had settled down the two, and things were alright again for a while.

At least, for Mikasa and Armin.

Eren, on the other hand, had struggled through the rest of the week. After fainting, Mikasa kept a closer eye on him, and he knew he was lucky she didn’t kick up more of a fuss after he muttered through a lousy explanation of why he wasn’t eating. He finally gave up though, after that. He began eating again, and after braving his way through a couple of Mother Nature’s calls, had deemed himself healed enough.

He had also accepted that sleeping would be a passing memory, and dedicated most of his nights to working on his mental walls. With both Mikasa and Armin keeping a close eye on him, he needed to establish a winning performance that would put their minds at ease. He still trembled, but it was barely noticeable. He still flinched, but had been getting better at directing their focus in another direction. Their touch made him cry inside himself every time, but he still put on a fake smile. He wondered if they’ve noticed that he wasn’t so affectionate anymore.

Yes, his crystal walls were getting stronger every day, but the Eren that was incased inside of them- the Eren that took in everything he couldn’t show- was breaking every second he wasn’t helped. He had thrown every scream, every agony, and every hurtful memory from that alley behind those walls. He thought he could hide there- he thought he was safe. But he realized he needed to separate himself. The broken Eren, and the Eren he built to lie.

So he built. He kept building, kept reinforcing, until no one could get in or out of his walls. He focused on his fake Eren, an Eren who would be able to take anything, able to _go_ through anything, and come out of it with a smile. Albeit, a fake smile.

Meanwhile, he would make sure the painful memories, the terrible trade that were sure to come, the flashbacks and anxiety attacks- those would be pushed back, back behind the walls, where no one could find them.

Where no one could find _him._

Which would break him even more, in the end. No true comfort, no understanding, no _its going to be okay, Eren, I’ll protect you, I won’t let them hurt you again._

Because he will be hurt, again. Again, and _again_ , and again and again and again until he didn’t know up from down anymore.

Until he was so broken, his walls would fall too, because there wasn’t anyone trying to keep them up anymore.

But until then, he needed to get his family through this year. Then he could put all this rage, all this residual anger, towards the Titans. Become focused on killing the Titans. Because that was all that would work. Otherwise, Eren would break into pieces, and he wouldn’t let that happen until all the Titans were dead, and Armin and Mikasa could go explore and see the ocean.

Until then, he would lie.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew. glad this one was over.   
> -Next chapter will be dark again!   
> -But will also speed up their time on the streets.  
> ALSO  
> -if ANYONE can tell me what city/district the refugees were brought into after the fall of Maria, let me know! i hate using general terms like city and town everytime :(  
> -I based their education at about a 1st grader? So that's why they couldn't really read the can. no time for school and such.
> 
> THOUGHTS/Comments/Concerns i will take them all! Anything inspires me to write for you guys. Thank you for reading! Xx.


	6. We All Fall Down Sometime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren forces himself to go back once again to the alley.  
> This time, he's looking to strike up a deal.   
> He also receives some helpful advice.   
> The year passes.   
> Eren grows used to his new life, and Armin and Mikasa are none the wiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW this chapter is a rollercoaster.  
> Okay, i admit, at first i hated it.  
> Then i revised, revised, scrapped, revised.  
> and WALLAH! i'm kinda satisfied. Not really. But hey, it's done.
> 
> So, i hope you all enjoy, and i hope it isn't too choppy. 
> 
> *PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING BECAUSE THE BAD STUFF IS ALL HERE*

5 days after his previous trip out for food, Eren was once again sitting in the alleyway of the tiny bar town, waiting for the man to show up. And although he had already gone through this before- he knew what was coming, what was expected of him- his body still thrummed in fear and anxiety. His body had long ago tensed its tiny muscles during the walk here, and he had shaken and stumbled around during his small trip.

He had felt… disconnected, after lying once again to his friends after he said goodbye to them. The lying had become easier every time, true, but none the less, Eren still felt guilt claw its way up his spine and settle right next to his mind. Armin and Mikasa were still worried about his trips, he could tell, but he also knew that they were not going to comment anymore about it unless he screwed up again in front of them. They needed proof, but until Eren broke, they were never going to have it. He had made his walls strong enough to hold his pain and torment back, and he would make sure that they would never falter in front of his family again. He hoped that they would eventually just come to accept the fact that Eren was, at least in their ignorance, alright. That he wasn’t in any danger. That he really was just cleaning up a bar for food.

That thought actually made Eren laugh a little to himself as he walked out of their familiar city, and forced himself forward to his new personal hell.

The walk had slowly gotten harder and harder for Eren. As he got closer, his heart pounded harder, he felt more lightheaded, and his hands shook so hard that he had to ball them up into fists. It was just like last time- walking towards something that was intending to give pain was difficult and cruel on the mind. He didn’t think the walk would ever get easier, so Eren just tried his best to accept how his body was reacting, and continued to push himself to the alleyway.

Now, finally sitting on the cold ground between tall building walls, he tried his best to calm himself. It didn’t help that his hands were clammy, his lip roughly bitten to the point he tasted blood, and he felt as though he couldn’t get enough air.

He had decided then that the waiting was almost just as bad as the actual exchange that was about to take place.

_Call it what it is, Eren._

_No._

_You know what you are now._

_Stop._

In the few days prior to coming back, Eren had spent a lot of his time figuring out how to best play _Eren_ \- forming a perfect façade for his friends- and how to better prepare himself for the next time he met the man.

There was no way he would go through that agony again, and had been panicking at the thought of voluntarily going back to that amount of pain. He was frazzled, snappy, and scared out of his mind for when he had to go back to the man. He was at the point where he was about to blow his cover in front of Armin and Mikasa, because he didn’t know what to do to make it easier on himself.

There had to be some way, right? At least, Eren thought there had to be. He just didn’t understand why a person would put themselves through that much pain for such an… activity. He didn’t understand the point of sex if it hurt. Did it really hurt all the girls that much? And guys? He didn’t know, he didn’t think he wanted to know, but he knew he had to find out if there was a way to help him. And his best bet was going to the darker side of town, where whores were common enough to find.

He had gotten lucky, yesterday, when running into a couple of male prostitutes in a shady corner deep in the refugee parts. After thinking he was a new customer, which made Eren blush to his forehead, Eren stammered out a quick response that made them willing to talk to him. And after one embarrassing conversation with the two of them in the seedy part of town, he had found out several tips that could help him survive his trades with the man.

No matter how embarrassing it had been, at the end of the day, he was glad he had made himself ask them questions, even though he had been worried that someone he knew was going to recognize him. But to his knowledge, no one he knew was around the darker parts of town.

The prostitutes had not been much older than Eren himself, maybe 14 and 17, and they had loads to share. His blushing face had quickly faded into a sickening white as they freely told him a few tricks that would save his body from hurting more during and after. They hadn’t looked at him with pity, which was something that Eren had been afraid of, but with a sad understanding in their eyes. He didn’t delve into why he was asking them about their work, and they didn’t ask him why either.

But after he had walked away with advice that could help him with his situation, he couldn’t help but be relieved that he had swallowed the little pride he had left to go and ask the boys his questions.

Especially now, when he was about to enact another trade again.

So when he had finally reached the dark and empty alley, with the sky already dark and the moon covered by clouds, he stood there for a couple of minutes, gulping down his rising nausea, and tried not to dig his fingernails into his palms. He remembered what the prostitutes had told him to do beforehand. He knew he should listen and prepare himself. But his body was reluctant, his mind was reluctant, and it was difficult to even contemplate preparing himself down there in the same place where he had been previously forced open by another. And preparing himself for the same man, no less. It was difficult to wrap his brain around it- that it was voluntary, now. That it had been voluntary, before.

But it hadn’t felt like it.

But then again, would it even feel any different, being… _raped_? Didn’t that happen the first time? How could anything be worse then that… And he had even agreed to it beforehand…

_No. Stop. Stop it Eren._

_There’s no time for this._

He was so confused about it all. It just made his head spin worse, and made his heart ache it a weird way that had Eren wondering if something was medically wrong with it. So he shook off the internal debate, focused on emptying his mind of what he was about to do, and jerkily grabbed his raggedy pants with shaking hands and pulled them down. He immediately stuck his two right fingers inside his mouth, tasting his own sweaty dirty skin, and then reached back to slowly put them in his ass to stretch himself out.

It had stung, it wasn’t pleasant, but he had felt himself slowly loosening up, which was what the prostitutes had said would happen. He didn’t do it for very long, only enough to what he felt would work, because it had slightly reminded him too much of what had happened down there already, and what was about to happen to him again in a few hours. He already felt naked, already felt violated, even if it was only himself this time, and he hated the feeling.

The feeling of being vulnerable.

The feeling of being nothing but a toy to use and throw away.

_But that’s what I am, really._

_I’d be his toy, if he would still give me food for Mikasa and Armin._

_I’d do anything._

That’s right.

He’d do anything.

He hastily pulled his pants back up and scrambled into the dark corner of the alley, and spent the next few minutes trying to forget what he had just done to himself. He had curled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them, laying his head on top. He also focused on deepening his breathing, and tried to concentrate on preparing himself for the upcoming encounter.

What had the male boys told him again?

_If you clench your ass, it’ll make them come faster._

_If they’re fucking your throat, hum. It’ll get them to come fast too._

_Hands and knees will hurt the least._

_Prep before-hand every time._

_…You do know what prepping is, don’t you?_

_If you can, use your hand first for as long as possible._

_Focus on making them come. It’ll end quicker._

Their advice continuously swirled around in Eren’s mind, only raising his anxiety higher, and making his body tremble in dread. He was scared. Maybe knowing what was to come was worse than not knowing at all. He couldn’t tell. He didn’t know if he was more terrified this time, or the last. He just knew that sitting there, and not being able to do anything but _wait_ , was a mental torture all on its own.

And so, he continued to sit there.

_…Shit._

Was the man even going to show up? This was the problem previously, wasn’t it? No… He would show. He had to show. For some weird reason, Eren felt that he would be there, even though they never decided on a set schedule… Eren was so out of it last time, he barely remembered the man leaving him on the ground.

He couldn’t do that now. He couldn’t barricade himself in his mind.

He would have to participate.

He would have to make sure the man would continue to come back and trade with him.

He would have to talk to him.

And to do that, he needed to stay in reality, no matter how bad it got.

Mikasa and Armin were relying on him.

_It should be easier than last time, right?_

He was more prepared.

Both mentally and physically.

He could do this.

He _had_ to do this.

Do what needs to be done, Eren.

_Mikasa and Armin’s survival depends on this man, depends on his performance, depends on how much he’s willing to give up._

And he’s willing to give up everything.

 

 

The man had shown up. His body seemed to take up the entire opening of the alleyway. 

He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t _breathe._

_Come on Eren!_

_Concentrate._

_You have to make sure he comes back. You have to make sure he’ll keep feeding you. Do it before he gets too close!_

_TALK Eren!_

_I cant I cant Icant IcantIcant_

_Oh GodsIcantpleaseimscared_

The man was getting closer.

The smirk was getting bigger.

Did he say something?

A chuckle. White teeth.

_He’s not ready for this._

Air. He needs air.

_Why can’t he move?_

_Why won’t his mouth open?_

_…what was he trying to do again?_

_GETAHOLDOFYOURSELFEREN_

_FOCUS._

_…focusonwhathesrightinfrontofme_

The man towered above Eren. His head was settled up so high compared to him, and Eren was so small. So fragile. Easily breakable. Easily maneuvered and thrown and tossed around.  

The man was huge.

Did he get bigger?

He was so big…

_…Like a titan._

And. And... Monstrous.

Petrifying.

Terrifying.

_…_

_He’s… Like a titan._

A _titan._

_You’veseentitansbeforeyoucandothisnow!_

_That’s… that’s right._

Focus Eren.

_Bring your mind back._

You prepared for this _._

_You prepared for this!_

His mind began working again. The man was standing a few feet in front of him, with a stupid grin on his face. His arms were crossed. He seemed better dressed today, his white shirt and brown pants had looked freshly washed, and his brown boots were shined.

Breathe, Eren.

_Now ask him._

His throat opened.

Chilling air went into his lungs, and he drew a shaky breathe.

“Um, ccan- can we- um. L-like…this. But Mm-more?”

Eren stuttered his question out, breaking his short eye contact with the man, and looked down at his dirty feet. It didn’t come out right. But at least he remembered what he had to ask him, after his mind turned on again. He wanted to ask about the amount of food per trade, and how many days per week they could meet. To get some sort of schedule going, for food security.

_To know how many times he had to go through this to get enough food._

But his mind had shattered as the mere sight of the man, despite his mental preparations. Despite how much he thought he’d be okay. At least he had gotten his voice working. He sputtered out all that he was able to, but really, he was just trying to keep his mind from breaking again. He had to stay focused, no matter how terrified he was.

“So, you wanna make this an everyday thing? ‘Cuz I can’t do that. I have stuff to do, ya know. I’m actually a pretty important person.”

The man laughed, but Eren gave no visual response. Instead, his mind tried it’s best to analyze what was just said, and how he needed to respond.

It was extremely challenging, given how the man stared at Eren like he was dinner. But after a few awkward seconds, he got his voice to work again.   

“No, uh- no. It um… depends on how much food you give me.”

The man sucked in his cheeks, and slowly nodded to himself, looking Eren up and down. Eren felt his dark eyes on his body, and he shivered. He felt naked, although his clothes were still on.

“Ha. Yeah? You starvin’ runt? You must be. You look like you’re skin and bones!”

“…I have f-friends.” He whispered out. He didn’t want to, didn’t want the man to know anything about Armin and Mikasa, but he was grasping at straws. He had to see if he could get more food out of this.

“Ah. So you’re the big, bad provider, huh? Doin’ the dirty work?” The man laughed, his voice low. “Me too kid, me too. Here’s the deal, I only got so much food for myself. But I got a proposition for ya.” The man grinned at Eren again, and slowly circled Eren, sauntering behind him, and deliberately pressed his front to Eren’s back.

Eren tensed, his body frozen when he felt the man behind him. His mind stopped- only focused on the solid contact on his back. His breathing grew shaky as he felt rough hands leisurely slide down his shoulders, his arms, his hips, then finally wrapping tight around his belly. Eren gasped at the feeling, trying to suck in oxygen, but it only made it worse as his stomach expanded further into the man’s massive hands. He felt pressure- the man was pressing him closer to himself, and Eren could instantly feel something solid and large pressing into his lower back.

_Oh God Oh god oh godohgodohgod_

_NopleasenotyetNOTYET_

Eren was afraid to close his eyes- he kept staring at the chipped brick stone wall instead. His bright green eyes filled with salty tears and his breathing turning into short bursts, trying in vain to suck in air. He couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t breathe. What was happening again? What were they talking about? What did he need to do?

Didn’t he need to do something?

_Focus Eren!_

Easier said than done.

“…What?” He breathed the word out- his voice had deserted him, drowned out by the waves of helplessness and paralyzing fear.

He felt the man’s throaty chuckle against his ear. His body trembled in the man’s grasp, his chin quivering as he felt his hands slide under his thin shirt, and began fondling his trembling tummy.

“I said, I know a few of my buddies that would strike up a deal with ya too. They’d love your sweet little ass. We all have a…special type, ya see. And you’re just perfect for it.” He let out a loud groan as he slid his hands up Eren’s body, pressing down hard with his thumb on a nipple. Eren gasped at the action, his fingernails digging themselves into his scabbed palms. “I know they’d be willing to come meet ya on nights I can’t. Besides. I’m movin’ up in the ranks soon. I’ll be needed elsewhere.”

_No, nonono. M-more? More men to… to-_

_Oh Gods. He- could barely even take this-_

_How would he-_

_How could he-_

But the- the man said…

Leaving?

_Noheneededhisfood_

Does he?

_ForMikasaandArmin_

Thick, unrelenting tears slid down his face and splashed on the grainy ground.

_Oh gods_

_Okay_

_okayokayokay_

_He. He… He had to._

_He had to say yes._

_…How could he say yes?_

He choked on a sob that welled up in his throat. His lips quivered, his breathing erratic, his body shaking like a leaf. The man was holding most of his weight now.

_Do what needs to be done, Eren._

He croaked out his answer.

“…O-okay.”

“Ah. Lovely. I’ll tell my boys tomorrow. Let’s say… you can meet someone every other day? Would that be enough for ya?” The man slid his hands back down Eren’s body, and loosened his pants to fall to the ground. He then suddenly reached and threw off Eren’s shirt, yanking at his shoulders. Eren cried out softly at the action, more surprised than because of the slight pain. He was then shoved around, now facing the man naked and shivering, and looked up to see the stupid grin on his face once again.

Gods, he felt so small.

…He was small.

And weak.

Looking up to the monster- the huge face that now was a recurring image in his nightmares- made him feel so helpless. His arms were huge- the muscles bulky- and his body size was ridiculously overbearing, especially to a small child. He towered over Eren’s currently small frame, and as his arms once again wrapped around Eren’s body, pulling him to his own, rubbing his erection into Eren’s concave stomach, Eren felt as though he was being enclosed by solid iron bars of a tiny jail cell.

There was no way out.

He had trapped himself.

He signed over his body to men, to do as they pleased.

He had said yes.

Yes to other men.

Who were going to…

_Who were going to fuck him._

Fuck him. And do god knows what else.

And they would pay in food.

So Eren could get food.

Food for Armin and Mikasa.

He had made his decision.

And now he had to pay for it.

He gave a barely noticeable nod, as his forehead was pressed into the man’s muscular chest. It was more of a surrender to his new life. A new horrifying life made in the dark alley of a bar town.

“Great. We’ll all have a great time.” His rough hands slid up Eren’s naked back, taking their time, and softly settled into his hair. One gentle swipe. Two more careful caresses.

Eren felt shivers run up his spine.

_Yank._

“Ah!” He gasped as his hair was suddenly pulled, forcing him to look up at the man’s darkening face, the twisted smile gleaming from the moon’s light.

“For now though… it’s my turn.”

 

 

_If they’re fucking your throat, hum._

He was still desperate for air -still being choked until he was lightheaded- but he tried. Anything to get him off faster. To get oxygen in his lungs again.

He thinks it helped, eventually.

At least he could breathe once more.

But he lost his air again when another part of him was suddenly filled.

_Clench your ass when he’s inside you._

But it also made Eren feel him more.

It was also more painful than doing nothing.

But the thrusting was more desperate.

It forced out fat tears from Eren’s closed eyes.

Deep, rough groans were heard faster. The man’s voice was loud in his ear, saying things Eren mostly couldn’t understand in his state.

But he did make out a couple of words.

He was about to be sick.

_Hands and knees will hurt the least._

True, but he also felt like a used toy. Like nothing.

And the man liked to shove him down, to where he was pinned in the dirt.

He didn’t think he could control this piece of advice very well.

Especially when he was too busy trying not to pass out.

The pounding suddenly got rougher.

Groans were deeper.

Hands pressed him further into the dirt.

He’d have bruises on his back tomorrow.

But as a thick white substance was released into his ass, Eren couldn’t help but be slightly relieved at the uncomfortable feeling.

At least there wouldn’t be blood coming out this time too.

 

 

Eren gently shuffled his naked body to the closest side wall of the alley, and tucked himself as best he could into a little ball. His ass still stung, it was still hurting down there, but nowhere near as much as the first time.

No, his first time was horrific. Traumatic. He was irrevocably _changed_ after being taken for the first time. But as disturbing as that knowledge was, it _did_ make him more prepared for further…meetings.

Which was why he was currently not as petrified, not as comatose, not as shattered, afterwards.

Which was why he was able to crawl away from the man after he pulled himself out of Eren’s tiny body, and curl himself up tight to feel some sort of comfort.

_Liar._

_Nothing has changed._

_Those feelings are still there._

_They’re burning you up inside._

That’s right.

He was still shattered. Still scared. Still frozen from the knowledge of what he had just done.

He was just more used to feeling that way, now. He was becoming used to the sensation of dread, of anxiety, of fear coursing through his veins, bubbling his blood until he felt that he would burst.

He was now just learning how to live, how to _survive,_ with these emotions swirling around his mind and body.

It wasn’t getting easier.

He was just getting used to it.

But for now though, exhaustion was the primary feeling that surfaced his thoughts and body. His walls now held these new memories. His body was tired from being pummeled into the ground.  He wanted to sleep. To leave reality for a few moments. But Eren knew he still needed to be aware, be conscious, until the man left. He had to force himself to learn how to deal with the horrors he was putting himself through.

He would have to learn a lot of things this year, in order to survive this type of trade.

He had already learned some valuable tips that had drastically lessened his physical pain.

Such as making sure to prep himself before being taken in the alley.

He’d have to go thank the prostitutes he talked to some time.

“You’re food’s there,” the man pointed at some cans sitting closer to the opening of the alley, humming to himself in a satisfied way. He was buttoning his pants, and shuffled them around for a comfier fit. “I’ll be seeing ya in a few days yeah? Maybe introduce ya to my friends. We’ll all get along real good.” Another smirk lined his face as he stared down at naked boy who had immediately scurried away from him.

“You an’ your refugee buddies will be feasting good too, if it all works out. Oh, and maybe I’ll actually bring that meat I promised next time, yeah?” He let out a throaty laugh, and sank his mouth back into a scheming grin.

Gods, was Eren sick of his smiles.

They made him feel like throwing up.

But he just nodded slightly, too mentally exhausted to talk. He just wanted him gone, so he could finally breakdown in peace and then pull his mind back together. Luckily, the man just gave a sarcastic wave, and turned to walk away.

Eren watched his back as he was leaving, but out of the corner of his eye, glanced at the type of food left for him.

_Wait._

“Wai-” His voice cracked from the recent abuse to his throat, and quickly tried again after clearing it. “W-wait!”

The man turned, surprise echoing on his face.

“What’s up runt? Ya want more or somthin’?” The man assumed, looking down at Eren’s naked and bruised state.

“ _Nn-no._ Um. The c-cans. They’re…rations. Military rations?” He could barely get his sentences out; it seemed his throat decided to call it quits and his voice was close to following once more. His words came out scratchy and stammered, he didn’t seem to be able to form complete sentences.

But he saw the can of beans.

He remembered Armin’s questions.

And he knew he needed to find out.

_Why?_

He needed to know who was capable of doing this to him.

Were they from the Garrison? Or the Military Police? Or… even worse. He didn’t know what he would do if they were from the Survey Corps.

_What if they were from the Survey Corps?_

_What if they were the ones he had once looked up to as they rode off behind the walls?_

He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t believe that this man was a part of something he had always dreamed to be in. No, this man would never belong to the Survey Corps, people who believed in freedom and humanity’s right to go beyond the caged walls.

Not when he was Eren’s new personal wall of imprisonment.

Rationally, Eren had thought he was most likely a bad businessman who had some type of agreement with the food handlers, or whoever was in charge of the rations. But whatever the man told him, Eren already had decided he’d weave this story to Mikasa and Armin if it was brought up again. He decided on this several days ago, on one of the many sleepless nights he had in their own alley.

“Well no fuck. How’d ya think I’m getting ya it?” his face took on an expression that told Eren he thought he was no more than a stupid child. The man scoffed, and crossed his arms, but suddenly his face morphed into a look that appeared to be realization. “Oh. _Right_ , I’m in my civilian clothes here. Ha. No wonder.”

“I’m in the MP. Don’t go spreading that shit around though, ya hear, runt boy?” He cast his eyes onto Eren’s, suddenly giving him a deadly glare, his body tensing in a dominant position. “I’m nice enough to get you food, but that can change real quick if you fuck this little thing we have here up.” He kept glaring at Eren, who jerkily nodded his head, his eyes wide open in alarm.

“Good. Oh, since we’re getting’ all buddy-buddy here,” The man suddenly pulled up a grin again, the anger in his eyes vanishing and his body relaxing, “The name’s Todd. Remember that, cuz when I show you off to my friends next time… I want you screamin’ it.”

The man, or Todd, as he had just donned himself, suddenly strode over to Eren, and leaned down to grab his swollen face in his hand. He pressed his thumbs into his cheeks, smashing them again his small teeth, making Eren cry out in pain before grabbing the man’s wrist in a useless attempt of getting him to let go. Todd brought his face up to his, close enough that they were almost touching noses. Eren’s eyes teared up at the action, terrified at the sudden way he was forced to look into his gleaming dark eyes. He was too close.

Way too close.

He couldn’t breathe again. He wasn’t prepared for this so soon, he didn’t expect this, he thought it was done, he shouldn’t have called him back it wasn’t worth it _itwasn’tworthit._

_He needed airwheredidtheairgo_

“Say my name.”

Eren struggled to get anything out, his face mushed in the man’s giant hand. It came out as a garbled, “…Tt-todd.”

He hummed in sickening delight, whispering, “Good. Remember, two days. I’ll make sure my buddies are fair to ya, bringing ya food an’ all. We’re MP’s, so you can trust us.” The man gave a quick chuckle, his breath puffing out on Eren’s face. He gave a quick grin to Eren, smirking at his panicked expression, and dropped him back on the ground.

He watched as Eren gasped for breath, who had fallen face first into the dirty earth. Eren pushed his hands into the gravel, hard enough to where it hurt, in order to focus on the new pain instead of his aching cheeks. His breathing was erratic, and he tried to gulp oxygen down as much as he could when he heard,

“I’ll see ya soon, runt.”

He looked up to see the man’s back; Todd was sauntering out of the alley.

And this time, there was no way in hell Eren would call him back.

Eren took in a couple more gulps of air, trying to get his breathing under control, as the alley was finally empty again. His tears continued to hit the ground. He could barely hear laughter from the streets; it want that late out yet. Drunks were most likely still at the bars, with no knowledge of what had just taken place between two buildings of their town.

In that small, dingy alleyway.

In Eren’s new workplace.

Eren curled his naked body in a small ball once again, uncaring that he was making himself more dirty, and cried.

 

 

His life went on after that. No matter how much he tried to slow down the days he spent with Armin and Mikasa.

And so, slowly, painstakingly, Eren gradually learned how to adjust to his second life. A dark, hidden, secret life that was based off of lies and deceit. Based off of sexual positions, pleasure, and lust. Based off of manipulative skills, quick thinking, and a frozen heart. His new life was that of a child prostitute, paid for in food, and held secret from his truest friends. He protected himself with impenetrable, solid crystal walls that held his broken mind together. He protected himself by throwing away his own wants, his own wishes, his own dreams.

He didn’t need those to be broken by his customers too.

So he did it himself.

Weeks went on, months passed, and Eren learned how to survive his new title. Runt, he was called, by the numerous men that visited him in that alley. Because he was so small- a pitiful refugee- and fragile. Not worth knowing, only for fucking. And sometimes, they even came in groups.

Eren hated when they came in groups.

Sometimes, his body was used so badly that he didn’t make it back to Armin and Mikasa. Those nights, he had fainted in that damned alley, his body too broken and hurt to move. He had considered himself extremely lucky the first time it had happened- despite waking up bruised and bloody- that Mikasa and Armin hadn’t come looking for him.

Thankfully, that was because he had thought ahead- he had become _smart_ , oh yes- and told them that he may have days where he’d have to stay all night, per the ‘bar owner’s’ request, and to not worry, as he’d be back in the morning.

He told them that the day before his first time meeting four smirking men in the alley way.

His first time meeting a group of men from the military police.

Apparently, it was a taboo subject that some men in the military liked fucking little boys, but not taboo enough that they were ever stopped.  

Because word got around that Eren was apparently, _one of the best_ , and in time, even some men from the Garrison had trickled in on his nights working the alley.

All in all, he had roughly twenty some men fucking him every week.

Eventually, they didn’t even care to change out of their uniforms, either.

He learned their names. Names forever branded in his mind.

Luke.

Sanson.

Ray.

Nile.

Warren.

_Todd._

The list went on. Some men showed once, some sporadic, but most were regular customers. Most liked coming back for more, using Eren’s body for their own pleasure, finding enjoyment in making him scream, cry, in making him choke for air.

They found enjoyment in taking turns fucking him until he passed out. They liked it when they could control him, and they really enjoyed themselves when Eren begged.

And Eren was not above begging.

Eren wasn’t above anything.

Not anymore.

No, Eren did whatever they wanted, most of the time. He rarely put up a fight. And of course, they took advantage of that. His body was shredded, torn, abused…but Eren took it all. He took all of their derogatory remarks, took all of their slaps, took all of their dicks in his mouth and ass over and over.

_Why?_

Because they always gave him food.

They _always_ gave him food. Every one of them.

It was like the food was their way of atonement, of saying, _look, we’re actually helping the poor boy, we’re not all that bad, we’re doing_ good _here._

Whatever it was, Eren was just glad he had a solid income of food to give to Armin and Mikasa. And as the weeks had passed, and Eren brought more food in, to the point where they were having three small meals a day, a lot had changed.

Eren had perfected his façade.

Armin and Mikasa didn’t think anything was wrong.

Eren smiled when he should, laughed when he should, talked when he should.

He cuddled with them during the cold nights.

He ate his portion of food when they had lunch.

He even played games with his friends when they were bored.

_But he could never stop his nightmares._

He took to having regular sleeping problems, but Armin and Mikasa believed they were about Titans.

He also began to hate the sight of food, and the reminder it carried.

He hated being touched, especially by people he didn’t know.

He snapped sometimes, the hate, the anger, boiling in his blood, making his vision go red, at the injustice of it all.

He blamed that on his hatred for Titans.

But really, it was hatred for himself.

Although, he knew it was all worth it, the pain, the hurt, the exhaustion, the _trauma_ , to see Armin and Mikasa eating every day, without being scared for their survival.

To see them growing, and smiling, and _living._

They were all growing, now.

But unbeknownst to Armin and Mikasa, they were also all growing apart.

But it was still worth it.

No matter what, it would always be worth it.

It _had_ to be worth it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow.   
> So, YAY THE TERRIBLE YEAR HAS FINALLY PASSED  
> and poor Eren is so broken.   
> FYI YES i made those names up, except Nile. :(  
> BUT next chapter will have more of what went on during the year, and Eren, Mikasa, and Armin will finally join the Training Corps! and if all goes right, we'll meet Captain Levi!   
> Hopefully.   
> ANYWAYS  
> Thank you so much for reading. Comments and Kudos really get me to write, and i love the feedback! Please tell me what you all thought! <3


	7. Whatever it Takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets ready and survives the Training Corps.  
> But now- he's a Titan?  
> And he recognizes a couple of old faces in the courtroom.  
> Who will get custody of Eren?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY new chapter!  
> Sorry it's late- BUT its long! i think that makes up for it, yes? :)  
> i hope it's not too boring; but i needed to write the courtroom scene, for obvious reasons. it's not exactly the same, there are subtle changes i wrote in, but nothing inherently different?  
> anyways, I hope you all enjoy!  
> (i havent reread it so i hope its not too bad good luck lol)

847

Eren was tired.

Mentally, emotionally, physically; every kind of tired a person could be, Eren was it.

The last year had drained him of everything he had been, and then some. He had been through things that he had only known through nightmares, and done things that he had never known was possible. He had learned a lot, too. Probably not what he should have learned at his age, but learned he did.

His façade had been mostly perfected; it was strong and unyielding to anything that could trigger Eren. It held all of his darkest memories inside, cramped together in a prison cell, and they could not affect his new front. They continuously scratched and clawed at their cage, desperately trying to break free- they tried making Eren remember that he was broken and worthless and good for nothing but being an open hole. But in the end, they were helpless against the crystal walls, the fortress that caged them inside, held back deep into his mind, because Eren could never show Mikasa and Armin how shattered he really was.

No, they could never know.

He still had to fake it. He still had to pretend that he was fine, as fine as he could’ve been after the fall of his home and the death of his mother. Because he still had to protect Mikasa and Armin. He had to keep them safe and protected. They were going to follow him into the Survey Corps, follow him outside the walls to fight for freedom. He couldn’t stop their decision, so he had to make sure he became strong enough, resilient enough, to protect them from harm. He had to make sure that they would be able to experience freedom outside the walls; to see the ocean.

And a small piece of Eren, a small piece that had been thrown down and locked away, was still crying out to experience that too.

For now though, with the Training Corps about to finally assemble, Eren needed to focus his erratic emotions and concentrate on channeling them toward the Titans. It had once his goal to get murderous revenge on the monsters for his mother, to kill every last one he could get his hands on, but that was before they had become homeless, and Eren had been ripped to pieces.

He had other things to worry about than a revenge dream.

But now, _now,_ it was time to renew that dwindled fire, to focus his anger and helplessness toward the Titans once again. He figured it would be pretty easy, as many of the men who had fucked him had faces that could be mistaken for the ugly bastards.

They were all the same, in the end.

They were all monsters.

And he’d kill them all.

 

 

850

Three years.

Three years ago, he had been a boy prostitute who sold his body for food. A boy who was skin and bones, trying to keep his two best friends alive. A boy who had no other options, who had no choice but to spread his legs for random men in exchange for their survival. A boy who hid his humiliating work from his small family in order to keep them innocent and safe.

That boy had died in that alleyway.

Light had left those once vibrant green eyes of his, now empty pits that tended to gaze into the dark skies at night. A broken body that became used to being twisted and manipulated by another’s pleasure. A mind that was broken beyond compare, but yet somehow still able to build up a new, fake, better self- one that focused its energy toward a goal.

A goal that twisted the mind’s endless anger and hatred and turned it into a warped craving that sought after the eradication every Titan that walked the earth. A goal that used the boy’s suffering and agony for new purposes, used his raging emotions in order to fake yet another part of himself, so at least some part of the anguish and pain he went through could be used. The boy forced his hurt and torment onto a new source, determined to focus his pain on the one thing that he _could_ kill, that he was _allowed_ to kill, the types of monsters that he could actually get some sort of revenge on. The Titans had killed his mother, and were the reason as to why they had become refuges in the first place. The reason why Eren had to become a whore in a back alley.

Oh yes, Eren didn’t have much of a problem with his new purpose. He didn’t have a problem using his anger and hatred as a driving force to kill the Titans. He would focus on purging the world from those gigantic, useless beings. Until very last one of them was a rotting corpse on the ground, steaming themselves away into nothingness.

And in the boy’s first day of Training Corps inside Wall Rose, he had made sure everyone knew that.

Eren had made sure everyone knew exactly who he was- _who he was pretending to be-_ and what he was there for.

Eren had made sure nobody would ever think it was all an act.

After all, he had already fooled his closest friends, his _family._

Fooling his new comrades- becoming the _Suicidal Bastard_ \- was easy enough.

At least he had a new nickname. He hoped he’d never hear the word _Runt_ ever again.

The three years of training had been physically difficult, especially when the trio were still recovering from living on the streets, but it had also been life-changing.

Eren had become bigger, stronger, and faster. He had grown- both physically and mentally- and didn’t feel so weak anymore.

It was now, only in his dreams, did he still feel like that little boy starving in the alley.

No, he was strong now. He was smart, and he had become such an expert at pretending to be silly, stupid, young, _Eren_ , that sometimes he even forgot how hard he had worked to create such a character.

Sometimes, it was even fun, playing _Eren._

He had thrown himself into many useless fights with his comrades. Comrades that were green in the ways of the world still, and didn’t know shit about anything. Comrades that were young and as ignorant as Eren played himself to be.

It had been relatively easy to pretend to fit in.

But none the less, they had become friends in those three years. They had all gotten to know each other’s reasons as to why they joined and where they planned to go after graduation. Christa, Ymir, Sasha, Jean, Connie. A few others.

It was nice sometimes, listening to them laugh at each other, conversing, helping each other fight better as the months passed. It had been especially relieving to see Armin and Mikasa make new friends. For them to truly smile and eat the food they’ve been given.

But Eren’s heart, his mind, his entire being, still lived as that small, fragile boy in the alley. No matter how much he ran, how much he pretended, how much stronger he became, he could never truly erase the marks that were branded on him in that Gods-forsaken year.

That quickly became evident to him after receiving their own military rations the first week of training.

If there was one thing he had learned during the food shortage after Wall Maria, it was that food can always disappear. Sasha was only a small example of this.

So Eren had hoarded small portions of his food, just in case. He took something every night, food that would last for a while, and hid it deep in his bunk. He made sure nobody saw, _nobody knew_ , because he didn’t want to explain why. It became just another secret he carried himself. Another way to get food for Mikasa and Armin, to make sure they had enough to eat. Just in case they, for some reason, didn’t have enough food anymore. If they were hungry, Eren brought them something, with an excuse that he was saving it for later.

They didn’t quite believe him, but when they tried to pry further, Eren just changed the conversation. Armin had caught onto that after a while, as Eren thought he would, but he made sure they never talked had a chance to talk about it. He had a feeling Armin knew he was hoarding and the reasons as to why, because he would give him these knowing glances after he had brought out some extra food for him and Mikasa, but thankfully, he never said a word.

Maybe that was because he saw Armin beginning to bring back small piles of food to his bunk too.

Either way, the training corps wasn’t too bad after they began to build up muscles and stamina. The schooling wasn’t too difficult either, after they learned how to read and write better. Eren hadn’t liked fighting, as it required more touching and grappling than he wanted, especially with bigger men than he was, so he made sure that he became one of the best.

So he could knock anybody else down in a couple of seconds, and keep them from his body.

Using the 3D maneuver gear had been tough, it took some time to get a handle on balancing, and Eren still wasn’t the best at it, but he eventually did become comfortable with its weight on his hips. He liked practicing on it, he liked how it made him fly, because he could pretend for a couple of seconds, moments, that he was running away from his past, that nothing- nobody- could ever touch him again.

Yes, he quite liked the 3D gear.

But the only real problem that Eren had really ran into during training, other than the fighting, had been the sleeping situation.

His nightmares, for one, were unavoidable. He had somewhat developed insomnia because of his fear of them, and after a while, his bunkmates noticed that Eren barely slept at night. And when he _did_ sleep, he would wake up screaming most of the time. He blamed these nights on the events from the fall of Shiganshina, and nobody questioned that, but he did receive some skeptical looks after waking up and being told of what he was shouting about- things that didn’t _quite_ connect with his explanation. But nobody seemed brave enough, or stupid enough, to outright ask.

And that was fine with Eren. Besides, he would stick to his story until he was 6 feet under, or chewed up in a Titan’s stomach.

No, the main problem with the sleeping situation had been, actually, his bunkmates. Or more specifically, the hormonal teenagers of the 104th cadet corps. Everyone seemed to want to have sex. Eren had even been propositioned more than a couple of times, but had quickly turned down  both the males and females. He just didn’t see how everyone was practically begging to have sex. He wanted to scream out- _It’s not actually that good it’s downright miserable people why the fuck would you want that!?_ But to each their own, apparently. He didn’t get how it was pleasurable, given that it was always painful for him, but if his clients had gotten something out of it, Eren guessed that his bunkmates found some type of pleasure too.

Eren didn’t think he’d ever want to have sex again, even if it _could_ actually be pleasurable.

But he also hated having to listen to it. So with the horny little fuckers always trying to go at it, and his weekly nightmares on top, Eren eventually developed a solo working routine at night. He would go out to the training ground, and work out. He’d box, and run, and climb, and train until he passed out from exhaustion. The soft break of morning daylight would wake him up, and then he’d quickly slip back in bed until roll call came.

His routine had been noticed, and his friends had badgered him about stopping, about sleeping, because Eren, _you’re going to pass out from exhaustion, you need to stop doing this to yourself._ But he just brushed them off, or got into a small fight, and that was the end of it. Armin and Mikasa couldn’t stop him from training more, they couldn’t stop him from fighting, and they couldn’t stop him from becoming the best cadet the Survey Corps would ever have.

He was on a mission. He would find their freedom. He would see that Mikasa and Armin would go beyond those walls. He would kill every last titan that he could find. He would protect his family from death- he would die for them- and make sure that they lived on to be happy.

That’s all he wanted… He wanted Armin and Mikasa to be happy.

And for that to happen, Eren needed to get rid of the Titans, and the walls, forever. Nothing would stop him. Nothing, except merciful death.

 

 

“Unnh.” Eren blinked his bright green eyes, trying to wake himself up from a foggy sleep. He took a few seconds to reacquaint himself with consciousness; trying to figure out where he was. He was actually laying down on a small bed, above thin faded white covers, but he didn’t remember how he had gotten there. Or even where ‘there’ was. Eren was now properly confused, and he quickly sat up and slid himself to the back of the bed, only to hit solid cold stone, making him gasp out loud.

_What is this place?_

_It…it looks like-_

A cell. It looked like a jail cell. He was, he was _trapped_ \- why was he trapped? And were those _shackles_ on his wrists?

_Why was he tied up in a cage?_

Eren’s heart began to pound, his blood rising in his veins. He was completely awakened now, the adrenaline pumping through his body came from the shock of his startling surroundings. He just didn’t understand. Why was he locked up underground? Where was he exactly? He didn’t know anything, didn’t really remember anything, and all that was stirring in his mind was the question of _just why was he locked up?_

Wait, he heard something, somebody talking. A deep male voice, coming from outside his jail. His body unconsciously tensed at the sound, knowing nothing good ever came from a situation like this. But it was hard to see, hard for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting, nonetheless he finally was able to focus on not one, but two drastically different men staring at him from behind the solid iron bars of his small cage. One huge, blonde haired man with bushy eyebrows sat in a wooden chair across the cell, his hands folded neatly in his lap. The other, smaller man, with raven black hair and a bored expression on his face, leaned his back against the wall with his arms crossed.

_Wait, is that… That’s Commander Erwin, the head of the Scout Regiment's Task Force, and that’s… that’s Captain Levi!_

Eren’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he registered the sight of just which two infamous men were standing mere feet away from him.

“Any questions?”

_Wait. What? Did I miss something?_

“Yeah, U-Umm. W-where am I?” His voice came out raspy, as if it had undergone some recent rough treatment.

“It should be obvious. Let's just say it's a dungeon.” Commander Erwin’s bold, smooth voice answered back. “You're currently in the custody of the Military Police. Only just now were we permitted to see you.”

Eren’s eyes stayed wide open, looking at the Commander with disbelief.

_Military Police? What… what did I do? No, wait. I… I became a Titan!_

_That’s right… And- and I sealed the hole in the wall._

_But… I was a titan- I became a Titan…_

 “Oh.”

_…Okay, I can now see why I’m locked up._

The memories had suddenly hit Eren like a bow and arrow hitting its mark. He had turned into a 15 meter titan, and had gone on an angry rampage through the city, destroying anything that crossed his path. He had also filled the hole in the wall at Trost by dropping a gigantic boulder in front of the breach. But his memories were lost after dropping the huge rock. He didn’t remember anything after that- next thing he knew he was waking up in his underground cell.

The Commander suddenly held up a small object in his hands, watching Eren with calculating blue eyes. Eren glanced at the small piece- it was his key! The key he had kept safe for all those years, ever since it had shown up around his neck. The key that was his last link to his father and home. He instantly reacted- tried in vain to reach for it, knowing it was an impossible task but tried for it anyway. The shackles on his wrists caused harsh, sharp sounds to cry out as metal clinked against metal. They pulled too tight- Eren didn’t even have enough give on them to stretch his arms all the way outward.

“Where did you get that!?”

“Off of you,” the Commander stated simply, pocketing the key in his jacket. “Don’t worry, you’ll get it back.” Erwin suddenly leaned forward, focusing his glinting eyes on Eren’s. “Let’s talk home. Dr. Jaeger's basement, in Shiganshina. There’s a secret surrounding the Titans there, correct?”

_Wait, what? Why does he want to know about that? Just what is going on?_

But he couldn’t move, couldn’t fight, couldn’t do much of anything but answer the Commander’s puzzling questions. Eren was justifiably confused about the whole situation, such as why he was even talking to the Commander of the Scout Regiment in the first place. Captain Levi hadn’t even said a word yet, and looked bored even being there.

Eren cleared his throat, but his voice still came out raspy. “Yeah, I think so, that's what my dad said anyway. But he never told me what it was.”

There was silence for a few moments. Then a low, smooth voice graced the stony walls of the underground. “Must suck losing your memory, and your old man missing at the same time. Unless of course, that’s a cover story.”

Angry, vibrant green eyes locked with sharp, steel blue.

The Commander quickly cut in, “Enough, Levi. We've already decided that he has no reason to lie.” Eren watched as he childhood hero narrow his eyes at the larger man, and turned his head away from him.

Erwin continued as if Levi had never spoke. “If we want to find out what is hidden in that basement, we need to travel to Shinganshina. The best way to achieve this is by sealing the damaged gate first and foremost. Which means we need your Titan ability.” His eyes seemed to scan Eren, as if trying to determine his worth. Eren didn’t like the motion, didn’t care for it, as it just reminded him of the many men who stared at him like a piece of meat in that bar town’s alley. Casting his eyes away, he looked down at his chained wrists instead, and tried not to focus too much on the intimidating man talking to him.

His hands were shaking for some reason, so he quickly locked them together, the noise rattling throughout the cell.

“We have also come to the conclusion that the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan most likely work the same way as you. You can be the key to saving humanity, to saving us.” A pause. Silence.

“The question is, Eren,” Eren spoke slowly, his voice echoing the tunnel halls, “Will you use your ability to help save humanity?”

His nails dug into his palms.

_Save Humanity? I just wanted to save Armin and Mikasa._

_I never asked for this._

_…But I can use it._

_I can use this… power._

_I don’t know where it came from. It would have been helpful four years ago… But it’s too late to change anything. I always knew I was a monster- and now everyone can tell. But it’s just another mask. A monster hiding another one._

_How fucked up is that._

He watched himself unlock his hands, grabbing onto the sheets on the side of his body in a silent, building rage. The chains were the only sounds in the underground prison.

_That’s fine, it works out actually. Let it be me. Let me be the one to fight for humanity. I have plenty of anger, plenty of fury to use. I can fight for our freedom. Fight for Armin and Mikasa to be outside the walls without fear, for them to find the ocean._

_It’s too late for me. I’ll always be chained up, for one reason or another. I’ve chained my heart. My mind is locked away. I’ll always feel trapped in that alleyway, I’ll never be able to truly be free of it._

_But…_

_But not them._

_Not Mikasa, or Armin._

_Not the Wings of Freedom._

_They still have a chance to be free._

_They still have freedom to fight for, to be free beyond the walls._

_And with this ability… I can help fight._

_I’ll be better. Stronger. I can be their shield._

_That’s why…_

He gripped the sheets in his hands like they were his only link to the earth.

_I’ll fight for them._

_I’ll protect them._

_I’ll kill every last titan that dares to step in my path._

_I can kill them all._

_I’m strong enough to Kill Them All!_

_I'm going to drive out every last one from this world!_

He looked up, his eyes glowing bright and vibrant, open wide to pin their blazing gaze on the two leaders in front of him. His fingers locked in the bed sheets, and with his heart pounding hard enough that he thought it would burst, he roared out, “I want to join the Scouts and slaughter every Titan I can find!”

His voice resonated throughout the underground jail, vibrating through the stony walls. Ewin did not react with anything but a slight smile and nod, his eyes still locked on Eren. Levi, on the other hand, focused his vision on the young 15 year old boy, his narrow gaze locked on raging green eyes.

“Huh. Not bad.”

Levi suddenly walked up to the jail cell, raising his hands to hold onto the bars.

“Alright then. I’ll take responsibility for him,” His smooth voice echoed in the halls of the underground. He stared at Eren, looking him over. “Let the higher-ups know what’s happening. Not that I trust any of them, of course. If he betrays us or goes out of control, I'll kill him on the spot.”

Eren could not do anything more than gape at the man.

“Good news, Jaeger. You’re now officially a member of the scouts.”

 

 

After Commander Erwin and Captain Levi left the jail cells, Eren spent two more days underground. No one was allowed to visit him. He could not see Armin or Mikasa, and he had to stay chained up in the cold jail cell. The only people who were allowed to come to his temporary living space were a handful of Military Police, who refused to talk to him.

Eren didn’t mind that.

The MP guards were young, and both male and female. He was relieved he didn’t know any of the MP’s that passed his way. He knew that the men who visited him in his alleyway back then were higher-up’s too, or at least they should have become more important people throughout the years. They wouldn’t waste time on Eren, especially now, when he was to be inducted into the Survey Corps. Eren remembered their egotistical personalities, so they should be safe and sound inside Wall Sina, sitting on their fat asses, watching cadets and civilians die after the wall was breached.

Yes, that sounded like most of them.

But, Eren hoped, with a dreamlike expression on his face, that they could’ve been out during the last couple of days- _probably hunting for another kid to take honestly_ \- and hopefully met their gory end by a titan.

A slim chance, but a chance none the less.

But those MP’s were in his past, anyways. These new ones on the other hand, became an irritating problem. He couldn’t tell if these new MP’s hated him more, or were just more frightened of him. They would throw his food into his chamber, and then toss in wet rags for Eren to wash up. They treated him as if he were no more than a chained rabid dog. He was thrown disgusted looks, rude gestures, and numerous insults. But with all of their talk, all of their ignorant hatred for the boy-titan, they never were brave enough to unlock his cell. The way they acted reminded him vaguely of how the refugees were treated on the streets after the fall of Wall Maria.

But their malicious actions actually ended up giving him anxiety- it threw him into hazy flashbacks of his time on the streets, and coupled with being chained up in a small cell, he wasn’t acting quite like himself. It was difficult, being there, isolated except for MP’s who looked at him with disgust and loathing.

No, he was stuck only with himself for two days, in a place that resembled how he forced down his own traumatic memories in his own mind.

If was safe to say it drove Eren a little crazy, a little mad, and by the time Eren’s cell was finally opened again by Section Commander Hanji Zoe of the Survey Corps, he was pretty sure he had been hallucinating the iron door being unlocked and opened.

He thought it never would- he had been beginning to think he had dreamed the whole thing up.

“So you're Eren, huh? Sorry for making you wait for so long. You can finally leave this place! I'm Section Commander Hanji Zoe. And this is Section Commander Mike Zacharias,” said a smiling women with glasses and dark brown hair, noticeably dressed in the Survey Corps uniform. She made a sloppy motion to the tall man dressed in the same uniform, but with blonde hair and a thin mustache and beard next to her.

_Wait. Where were they going?_

Section Commanders Hanji and Mike had both suddenly appeared in the early morning- or at least what Eren believed to be morning- and had led him out of his little jail cell, along with two other MP guards that trailed behind them.

They had also forced him to handcuff himself behind his back, which made him feel even worse about the whole situation. And as they briskly walked out of the underground, Hanji talked his ear off about nonessential matters, not allowing Eren to get even a word in, and then Mike had leaned in and smelled his neck. It had freaked Eren out immediately and he had jerked away, which had prompted Hanji into a quick explanation about Mike’s unusual personality, but Eren still didn’t quiet forgive him.

He didn’t like when people got close to him anymore, let alone touch him. And with the way Mike had crinkled his face afterwards, as if Eren had smelled like something he had never quite encountered before, had made Eren feel very uncomfortable.

As if Mike could smell how disgusting Eren really was.

“Oh, would you look at that, we’re already here. Oops! Well, I guess you're better off without an explanation anyway. Good luck!” Hanji laughed, gave Eren a thumbs up, and backed away from him, along with Mike. The two MP’s that had followed instantly took up the empty spaces on Eren’s sides, and held onto his shackles.

Their small group had walked up to two massive doors, which were opened by more MP guards. They were pushed open, and the MP’s instantly grabbed Eren’s arms and pulled him in, sinking their fingers into his skin.

“Wha- Wait! I don’t under-”

He craned his head back to look at Hanji with pleading eyes, but the doors were quickly shut again, and he was then dragged further inside to the middle of the gigantic room, and forced him down to his knees on a metal platform. They secured his shackles to a standing post, making sure he was tightly attached, and quickly left for the doors.

_A courtroom? So I was being held under the courthouse?_

The courtroom was huge, and he was smack in the middle of it. Soldiers were everywhere, either from the Survey Corps, the Garrison, or the Military Police. Faces blurred together, there were too many people staring down at him for Eren to actually pick out anyone familiar. The only person sitting alone was the single man sitting directly in front of him with a gavel: Premier of the three Regiments, Dhalis Zachary. An older man with grey hair, a small beard, and glasses.

_Why are all these people here? What is this trial even about? What is going on??_

He didn’t like it. He was chained up in front of at least a hundred soldiers, who were all looking at him differently. Some disgusted, some fearful, some curious, and some with no expression at all. He was sweating again, nervous at the situation, and his fingernails dug into his palms behind his back in order to keep his mind from becoming hysterical.

Now was not the time to lose it.

Eren watched as Zachary cleared his throat, brought down his gavel, and allowed silence to reign in the courthouse for a few seconds.  

“Now then, let us begin. You are Eren Jaeger, a new soldier, sworn in to give his heart for humanity. Is that correct?” His stentorian voice swept across the court room.

“…Yes sir.”

“This case is outside the bounds of common law, therefore we have arranged a special court-martial. The final decision will be handed down by me, as to whether you live or die.”

_This…this is what I’m here for?_

_This was why I was locked in a cage?_

“As it is impossible to conceal your existence, this court is tasked with deciding whether the Military Police or the Recon Corps will take custody of you. We will first hear the proposition from the Chief of the Military Police.”

Ere watched as Zachary turned and nodded his head to the right side of the court house, where a tall man in the front row suddenly stood up, his pinched face presenting a stony expression, but his voice clearly barreled throughout the courthouse.

_Him-_

_IT’S HIM_

“I am Nile Dawk…”

_Oh my god_

_Ohmygod_

_imgoingtothrowup_

Eren stared at the man in horror, his eyes wide and his mouth open, his hands straining to get free from the tight shackles so he could run. He couldn't believe this was happening. Not here. Not now. This was never supposed to happen. He was never supposed to see any of them again.  

_whyisheherewhyisheherewhyisthishappeningtome_

 “…Chief of the Military Police…”

_CHIEFhe’schief!_

Eren felt his body give up on itself- he slumped down in shock and fear. He heard the sharp sounds from his chains clink from behind him.

_Ohmygodnodoesherecognizeme_

_Doesheremembermeohmygod_

 “…Our branch proposes a thorough examination of Eren's body…”

_nononoNONONONO_

_HEKNOWS_

_HEMUSTKNOWITSME_

He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t think.

_NotagainpleasenotagainIthoughtthiswasalloverIcan’tIcan’tagain_

 “…Then dispose of him as soon as possible.”

_No._

_No!_

He tried, in vain, to run. To escape. But his back dug into the metal pole behind him, the sharp edges digging into his back. The piercing pain shocked his frenzied mind, allowing him realize that Nile was gazing down at Eren, his beady eyes staring at the restrained boy.

And after knowing Nile on an intimate level for a year, Eren could somewhat trust himself to understand what his expressions meant, especially when he was trying to hide them.

And Nile was definitely panicking.

_Of course._

He was panicking over the fact that he, along with several of his sweating comrades that Eren could finally pick out of the crowd, had all fucked a boy-monster.

It gave Eren the strength to remember that he-

He wasn’t in that alley.

He wasn’t for sale now.

They could not have him anymore.

_Irefuse_

_Iwon’t_

_Iwon’tletyou_

_because_

_Idontneedanyofyouanymore_

_IDON’TNEEDYOUANYMORE_

_IWON’TLETANYOFYOUTAKEMEAGAIN_

 “…Next, let us hear the proposition from the Recon Corps…”

_Youwonttakeme_

_Youcan’ttouchme_

_Notanymore_

“…I am Colonel Erwin Smith…”

_Idontbelongtoanyofyouanymore_

_I see you_

_I see all of you now_

“…propose to induct Eren as a formal member of the Survey Corps, and recapture… using his Titan power….”

_Three years must have taken its toll_

_youallevenhavemorewrinklesuglybastards_

_I see you Nile._

_And most of our mutual friends sitting there behind you._

_Staring._

_Youarealstaringatme._

_Every one of you are panicking!_

“…using his abilities…retake Wall Maria…”

_Luke Jon Warren Peter Todd_

_Iseeallofyou_

_Standing there_

_Asking for my death_

_Asking to examine my body_

“We would launch… in the east.”

_Butdontyouallremember_

_YOUVEALREADYEXAMINEDMEANDLEFTMEINMYOWNFILTH_

_Don’tyouRemembermyfacemybodymyinsides_

_You all want to_

_Examine me_

_Dispose of me_

_Like you did in that alley every other day._

_Iwontletyoudoitagain_

“Jaeger…Can you keep fighting…as a soldier, and…Titan power for the same goal?”

Eren’s head snapped up, his eyes refocusing on the frowning older man staring down at him. The courtroom was silent.

_Jaeger… That’s me._

_That was a question._

_…What did he ask?_

“…Yes Sir.”

He hoped that was the right answer. He didn’t know what was really being asked. He knew it was important, it was life or death, freedom or imprisonment, but he couldn’t help it when his mind was frantic. Broken thoughts were sliding all over the place in his mind, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see, except for the clear faces that kept staring at him from the right.

The faces that still haunted his nightmares.

_Wasthisanothernightmare?_

Eren wasn’t listening anymore. He couldn’t focus enough to listen. Phrases passed through his ears, but his brain wasn’t working enough to where he could figure out what was being said. He couldn’t concentrate on the discussion about whether he would live or die.

Whether he would be a Titan soldier for the Survey Corps, or a body to be examined and disposed of by the Military Police.

 _Examined._ Yeah right.

Eren knew exactly what kind of examination they were thinking of.

And then, knowing his past customers, they would kill him off so he would never spill their dirty little secret.

Hell, that’s probably why they all looked so panicked right now.

But not as much as Eren.

Eren’s body had reacted as though it was his first time in that alley again, after noticing several of them standing behind Nile. His heart pounded, sweat gleamed all over his body, his hands were shaking behind him. His body felt frozen- it was too tense to move. And Todd was even there, the man who had started it all. He hadn’t expected to see any of those MP’s ever again, let alone all of them in one room full of people deciding his fate. Including Nile, there was around ten of them he could immediately recognize, most of them all sitting by Nile, donned in heavy medals and shining awards. Obviously, they had all worked their way up throughout the years.

Zachley’s deep voice cut through his thoughts again. “Oh? But in the report from Trost it states that you had swung your fist at Mikasa Ackerman right after becoming a Titan.”

_Wait-what?_

“Is Mikasa Ackerman here?”

Eren turned his head sharply to the left, picking out Mikasa and Armin through the huge crowd. Mikasa stood tall and answered the Supreme Commander, her voice sending little wisps of comfort through Eren’s body. He felt marginally better just seeing his closest friends near him.

“Is it true that after he transformed, Jaeger attacked you?”

“…Yes, it’s true.”

_I tried to kill Mikasa?! When I was a Titan?_

Eren couldn’t believe it. Or at least, could not begin to imagine how it was possible for any part of him, no matter how monstrous, to try and kill Mikasa. She was his sister! Yes, they may fight, may be mad at each other, may be annoyed with each other’s presence once in a while- but they were _family._ The only family they had left, and Eren could not bear to see Mikasa’s confirmation of his attempted murder.  

Her statement tore into his broken heart. He made eye contact with her, their gazes pleading with each other- one begging for forgiveness and the other pleading for their safety. But Eren’s veins turned to ice as he heard a familiar voice cut through the murmurs of the court.

“Wait a moment! We believe her testimony is too far attached to be accepted in this court. Mikasa Ackerman lost her parents at a young age, and then was adopted by the Jaeger family.” Nile Dawk stood tall once again on his side of the room, papers clenched in hand, his eyes scanning the crowd, looking everywhere but at Eren.

“However, we uncovered some shocking details regarding those events. Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman were both nine years old when they murdered three robber-kidnappers- those responsible for the murders of her parents. One can claim that this was in self-defense, but I can't help but feel _disturbed_ by the lack of humanity in their actions, especially at such a young age.”

_How…How did he find that out?_

_How did he-_

Eren didn’t think the men who had taken his body over and over again, the men who had enjoyed ripping him inside out, could ever make him feel more violated. Eren honestly had thought he had no shame left in his bones; that they had taken everything from him.

But _this..._

Nile, with a just few sentences, made him feel like he was being taken all over again.

In front of everyone there.

His privacy had been breached- his past had been unlocked- and it was there for everyone to see. Couldn’t he have had one thing, _one thing_ , to himself? That they could never touch? But no, Nile and the others were always greedy.

Greedy for more.

Eren felt their phantom hands crawling on his skin as the court gasped at Nile’s dissection of his and Mikasa’s history. He felt their burning gazes on his body; he felt naked in front of everyone.

They were all looking at him like he was a monster. The court became chaotic- people and soldiers alike were shouting at each other, at Eren- calling him names, demanding his death.

“Can we really trust him with the fate of mankind?”

“Yeah! He's probably an actual Titan disguised as a child!”

“Her too! How can we be sure she's even human?”

“Is she secretly a Titan too?”

“We should dissect her just in case!”

Eren could only watch in horror as the right side of the court began to verbally attack Mikasa. He jerked at his chains, the metal cutting into his skin, but he couldn’t break free. His muscles strained with his useless attempts, and his heart thudded loudly, anxiety riding high through his veins.

He was scared for Mikasa. He had to do something. _Anything._

“Stop it!”  Eren’s voice could barely be heard through the noise of the court, and hand to shout from the top of his lungs to be heard. “Stop it- all of you! Maybe I am a monster, but she has nothing to do with that! Nothing at all!”

But his would seemed to be in vain, as panicked voices just shouted right back at him. It was mostly coming from the right side, the Military Police side, where more citizens were sat.

“As if we could believe you! It's a fact!”

“You're defending her? She must be one of you!”

He couldn’t take this anymore. It was one thing attacking him, trying to kill Eren. They could throw whatever they wanted at him, and he could take it. He built himself for that. But Mikasa- his _sister_ \- no, He could not allow them to touch her.

They wouldn’t touch her as long as he breathed life.

He strained against his shackles once again, and didn’t feel it as they drew blood against his wrists. His face stared up at the panicked crowd, determined to make eye contact with each and every one of them.

So they knew he was serious.

So they could see his raging anger, his deadly promise, to kill each and every one of them if they dared to hurt Mikasa.

He looked at Nile, at Todd, at Warren. Their wild eyes staring back at him.

 “STOP IT!” Eren’s voice soared through the crowd, cutting off the shouting opinions.

“You're wrong- you’re all _wrong_!”

“You all are cowards, too afraid to fight!” He looked at the Military Police, their eyes wide with surprise. “And if those with strength don't fight, who will? If you're too scared to fight for your lives, then you have me!” Eren didn’t know what he was saying, what he was doing, but he knew he couldn’t stop. He had to keep them from pinning their fear onto Mikasa. He had to focus their direction back onto him, and what he could do for Humanity.

How they could _use_ him.

_How funny, being used is all I’ll ever be good for apparently._

But Eren didn’t have time to feel pity for himself. He didn’t have time to wallow in self-misery. It wouldn’t make a difference, anyway. And in the end, it didn’t matter what they wanted from him. He just had to make sure he lived to protect his family. And to do that, he had to stay strong. He had to fight.

“Just shut up- Stop it already and just let me shoulder it all!”

_I have to fight._

“ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME FIGHT FOR YOU!”

Eren blinked at the stunned crowd, the silence ringing louder than their once shouting voices, and then-

Pain.

Pain coming from his head.

His stomach.

His chest.

Pain was everywhere, and it was only getting worse.

Blood dripped down into his eyes and welled up in his mouth, his stomach was bursting with agony, and he knew his nose was broken. He felt a couple teeth missing, too.

But it didn’t stop. Eren finally registered that he was being beaten up, but by who, he couldn’t tell. His vision was blurry; he couldn’t concentrate on what he could see, and he felt a tight grip in his hair that was holding him in place.

_Did they decide to beat me to death?_

He could take it, definitely. He was used to pain, used to being hurt, but it had been a while. In the Training Corps, they had a limit of how much one person could take, to make sure nobody was seriously injured, and this undeniably exceeded that limit. His days as a child prostitute though, were another story. He had got through true agony between those bar buildings, under the hazy moonlight- agony that haunted his body and mind to this day.

This type of pain- being hit, kicked, punched, and kneed- was a walk in the park when compared.

So Eren rode it out, for as much as his body allowed. He accepted his fate, and when he was finally dropped to the ground, his mind barely held on to consciousness. He could only hear remnants of the following conversation that took place between Zachley, Commander Erwin, and the man who was standing right next to him. The man who had just beaten him up, with his tight fist still pulling his hair, and his low voice clear in Eren’s head.

Captain Levi.

“It's just my personal opinion, but pain is the best tool for discipline.”

_I actually agree on that. Personal experience and all._

But Eren could not stay awake for the response, and his body shut down, his mind slowly following.

“…put Eren under Captain Levi's command… and send them… outside the walls?

“Whether Eren can control… be of benefit to mankind…decided based on…mission.”

“Watch over Eren Jaeger…Can you…Captain Levi?”

“I can definitely kill him.”

“I've… decision.”

 

 

Eren woke up with a wet rag roughly cleaning his face. He was sitting on a couch, in a small room. His body was extremely sore- he was hurting all over the place. It hurt to breathe, he was pretty sure some ribs were either bruised or broken, and whoever was pressing the rag to his face was not helping matters.

“Ah! Eren, you’re awake, good. Tell me, does it hurt?”

Eren blinked his eyes, opening them to find Hanji’s curious face right in front of his. He gasped, and leaned back, the rag leaving his bruised face.

“Ah- yes,” He said, his voice coming out scratchy. Hanji then nodded at him, her eyes wide open in fascination, and then handed him a small water cup. Eren drank it greedily; having been limited water while down in the jail cell, and was most likely dehydrated. The water helped clear his mind from sleepiness, and looked around to take in his surroundings.

Hanji, Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, and Section Commanders Hanji and Mike were all in the small room. Hanji had apparently been tending to Eren’s injuries, evident by the small medical bag on the table next to her, and Mike was staring out the window. Levi was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his eyes pinpointed on Eren, but his view of him became blocked when Erwin stepped forward, looking down at Eren’s alarmed face/

“I’m sorry about what happened, but it was necessary for you to be placed in our custody.”

“And now, as a result, we have you to ourselves. Your pain was worth our gain. Thank you.”

_Oh. It was all a show… a strategy._

It suddenly clicked for Eren. He actually understood- Levi had to beat him up in front of everybody to show he could be… _tamed._ That he could be caged. That he could be controlled.

The idea was simple, and brilliant. But it left Eren with a bad taste in his mouth, knowing that everyone in the court room had seen him constrained, repressed- claimed only as a usable machine. He was not seen as a 15 year old human, but as a Titan anomaly.  A monster that was able to be beaten down until he had passed out. Beaten into submission by Humanity’s Strongest.

It had happened to him many times before, in the alley. He just didn’t like how it had happened once again, and in front of so many people. Although they were vastly different circumstances, but it was still demoralizing. Especially knowing that Nile and the others had watched it.

Did they get off on it? Did they remember how much they had loved to strike him, and then pound into him until he fainted, and then keep going? Did their witnessing help them remember how much they once enjoyed his tiny body?

Eren felt nauseous just thinking about it- how his pain was always a primary factor for their arousal. His muscles tightened in response to the thought- he didn’t want to think about it anymore.

But Eren’s couldn’t keep his thoughts from racing- he couldn’t stop himself when he had another sudden realization in the manner of milliseconds: Mikasa and Armin had to have watched it too- They were there! They would have had to have seen him brought down, dehumanized, restrained, and beaten black and blue. They would have had to watch him submit, and not have been able to do anything about it.

_Oh gods, Mikasa…Armin- I’m so sorry._

But he didn’t have time to think more about his friends, because Erwin had gracefully knelt down in front of Eren, smiled, and stuck out his hand. “You have my respect. I look forward to working with you, Eren.”

Eren’s mouth opened a little in surprise at the action. His mind blanked, but fortunately responded by shaking Erwin’s hand.

“Ah- likewise, sir.”

The grip was tight, firm, and Eren tugged his hand away after a few seconds. He placed his hands back in his lap, twisting them together in nervousness, when the couch suddenly dipped down further. He looked to his left, and jumped when he saw a hand coming out of nowhere.

He couldn’t help but flinch when he registered that it was Captain Levi sitting next to him, with his legs crossed and his arm on the back of the couch. He looked relaxed, but his eyes were focused on Eren’s face, subtly scanning his injuries.

“Say, Eren.” Levi spoke abruptly, pulling Eren away from watching Erwin walk away to go and talk to Mike by the window. Hanji was still near him, messing with the medical bag. But Levi was now talking to him, and he had no choice to turn and look at his once childhood hero.

“…Yes?”

“Do you hate me?”

_What a weird question to ask._

Of course he didn’t hate Levi. He understood why he had beaten him up in front of the court. He got it. It had been necessary. It was just that the circumstances were not the best; how it had reminded him of the horrors in his past, and he couldn’t help but be wary of the man, especially so soon after the event. And being beaten up, no matter the cause, was never fun.

“No, I understand that it was necessary.” Eren made sure his voice same out strong and sounded sure. He knew that the Captain would be in charge of him now, and that they would need to work together. But he could stay cautious, stay guarded, around him. Around everyone. He was a tamed monster now, after all. They believed him to be a monster. Who knows how he would be treated, even though he had been saved from the dissection of the Military Police. He would have to be careful.

Levi’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Glad to hear.”

But Eren couldn’t reply, because Hanji suddenly grabbed his face and told him to open up his mouth. Eren tried not to gag as she quickly stuck in some medical tools in his mouth, and swiveled them around inside.  

“You could've at least held back a little Levi, you even knocked out some of his teeth! Luckily I grabbed them up before we came here.” Hanji laughed and held up a cloth in one hand, presumably holding Eren’s old teeth.

“That’s disgusting.”

Eren would’ve agreed, but his mouth was still held captive by Hanji’s hands.

“It could be important!” Hanji huffed, and dug the tools further into Eren’s mouth.

“Wait-” She suddenly stopping her excavation, and leaned closer to peer into Eren’s mouth, “His teeth have already grown back.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes that was long.  
> bUT YAY now we can get to the good stuff!  
> next chapter Levi and Eren will interact more, (YAY)  
> Eren will have trouble with his new bedroom/cell  
> and maybe some Levi pov? MAYBE- it may be too early still.  
> we'll see!  
> Until next time! <3  
> Reviews and comments are love- i love talking to you guys :)


	8. Everyone Love Yourself to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren meets the Levi Squad, and things are pretty tense.  
> The headquarters need a deep cleaning.  
> Eren gets a new place to stay, but he doesn't consider it much of an upgrade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!   
> 1: thank you for all the positive comments and reviews, i love reading them and you all give me so much inspiration!  
> 2: I'm sorry this took more time, but i'll tell you the reason at the end of the chapter.  
> 3: i hope you all like it, it's still close to the manga/anime, but i did change some things up again.   
> 4: ...enjoy? :D

“Don’t be expecting any good treatment, you know. Where we’re heading, it’s the only place that can properly store our newest toy!”

_Newest toy._

_Ha._

_They’re already naming me._

_I’m not a person to them._

Eren refused to react, making sure to keep his gaze straight ahead, but inwardly raised an eyebrow at the man’s superior attitude. Oluo Bozado, 39 solo kills, 9 assists. He had curly, light brown hair styled in an undercut, and hazel eyes. He was part of the Special Operations Squad: a small team that’s handpicked and led by Captain Levi himself.

The team that Eren was now a part of. The team that had become his future executioners, if he ever lost himself to his madness- either going rogue as a Titan, or just cracking from over usage as a broken _toy_. He didn’t see too much of a difference.

Currently, they had boxed him in on their horses; they were all heading towards the old scout regiment headquarters, located deep inside Wall Rose.

Oluo continued his pompous chatter. “Did you hear me, new blood? Well, I don’t know about all this crap with you being a Titan, but I do know that Captain Levi won’t stand for babysitting a-”

Eren couldn’t help but widen his eyes in surprise as the man yelped loudly, covered his mouth with his hands, and clenched his eyes shut in pain.

He suddenly heard a light, feminine laugh from his left, “That’s what you get for talking and riding your horse, Oluo!”

Petra Ral, 10 solo kills, 48 assists. From what Eren could tell, she was rather short. She had light ginger hair and amber eyes.

He heard the two men behind him snicker at Oluo, who was moaning in pain. Their laughter made the hurting man glare at the two, but their only response was to trade smirks with Petra, who he glared at next.

Eren had been introduced to the two suspicious men earlier that day, before they had left for their journey. Eld Jinn: 14 solo kills, 32 assists, and Gunther Schultz: 7 solo kills, 40 assists. Eld was apparently second in command of the squad, with long blond hair tied back, and brown eyes. He was decent size, and looked to be only slightly smaller than Gunther, who had short brown hair and a darker skin tone. They, along with Petra and Oluo, had all been instantly noticeably wary around the boy, making Eren feel more than slightly uncomfortable, and wary himself. All eyes were now constantly on him, except for Levi, who led their squad to the old headquarters. All he had been feeling for the entire ride was their hawk eyes watching his every move, his face, his skin- every time he even adjusted slightly on his horse.

It was pretty nerve-wracking, pretty annoying, and made Eren tense the whole trip. He felt that he was only one move away from having his head chopped off by their blades. But of course, that was their job. So he couldn’t really blame them for their suspicion; hell, he didn’t even understand his power.

But he didn’t have to like being stared at on a constant basis. The only benefit so far from this whole situation was the fact that none of them had touched him. None of them shook his hand, they didn’t pat him on the back- no, they had only nodded in greeting, and then began observing him as he mounted his horse for the journey.

Which was irritating, again. He had to figure out how to get used to being constantly watched like this, and fast. Because it felt as if ants were crawling on his body, making his body automatically lock in on itself, and he couldn’t relax.

Although, relaxation never was part of his lifestyle, so he guessed he could get used to it eventually.

He would have get used to it. As he had gotten used to everything else he had gone through. But it would take time. So during the long trip, Eren had spent the ride with a tense body, back up straight, and head forward. His eyes didn’t look left or right, but stayed straight ahead, focusing on the Wings of Freedom emblem that was attached to the back of Captain Levi’s cape. Eren passed the hours by tracing the faded white and blue symbol with his tired green eyes, eventually succumbing into a repetitive pattern that outlined Levi’s small head, cape and emblem, then horse, and then repeat. It was something that kept his mind occupied while traveling in the middle of the wary squad.

And it wasn’t like Levi moved much during the trip, either. While the squad sometimes talked, and made comments here or there, Levi had stayed quiet. And because he was in Eren’s direct line of eyesight, he was the perfect view to focus on.

So Eren surrendered himself to a boring and repetitive task that kept his mind from staying hyperaware of the multiple eyes that were constantly on his body. And by the time they had reached their destination, riding up to a large, older castle, Eren was mentally exhausted, and was desperately missing the company of his childhood friends- the only ones who would look at him now like he was only a person these days, and not a rabid monster.

They all followed Levi and rode up to the stables, which had seen better days, and routinely tied up their horses for the night.

“Tch. This place had gone to hell.”

Eren looked to his left, where Levi was. He had a disgusted expression on his face, and his eyes were scanning the outside of the dirty stable and castle. He turned his head to his squad, “You know what to do. Grab a broom, and get to work.” His eyes spun to Eren, “Eren, come with me.”

Levi turned without Eren’s reply, and began walking up to the castle. Eren watched him leave with surprise- and was about to kick himself in gear, when he suddenly felt a light shove on his back. He stumbled slightly, caught off guard, and turned to lock eyes with his aggressor.

“What was that for?!”

“Calm down, new blood.” Come on, you’re about to have a warm _welcome_ to the Levi Squad.” Gunther grinned, looking at Eren like he was a lost cause, and began walking to the castle. The rest of the squad laughed, knowing what Eren was in for, and made sure to follow behind the Titan-boy as he finally began walking up to their new headquarters.

Eren noticed they had boxed him in again, but didn’t react to it. There was no point. They didn’t trust him, and he certainly didn’t trust them either.

 

 

Turns out, his warm welcome was a deep cleaning spree of the entire headquarters. Levi was right, it was filthy. It had seemed as if no one had been there for years. He was quickly sent upstairs with Eld, who split up their chores by sections. Eren had to clean three large rooms and two bathrooms by himself, while Eld took the rest of the floor.

Eren didn’t mind the cleaning though, despite the squad thinking he was going to hate it. In truth, he actually found it soothing for his mind, as he had to concentrate on a specific task. It also helped because he didn’t have everyone’s eyes on him anymore, though not for lack of trying. He saw Levi shake his head at Eld before they went upstairs, so he supposed he had the Captain  to thank for that.

He didn’t think he was great at cleaning- no, he really had no clue how to clean properly- but he figured that if it took him away from the squad’s watching eyes, he was game for it. So Eren took to cleaning with a determination he usually saved for working out, and spent the rest of the day with a mop and bucket in his hands.

Hours had passed before he considered his job done, with sweat rolling down his back and his hands and knees dirty from scrubbing the floor. It had actually relaxed him, cleaning- though it was still hard work. He took one last look at the room he was in, nodded to himself in satisfation, and then reluctantly made his way back downstairs, noticing Eld peeking his head out at the sound of his footsteps. Eren glanced at him, making brief eye contact, but did nothing more than continue walking. He made his way down a hall and into a large room, where Levi was sweeping the floor.

Eren pulled down his white bandana that was around his nose and mouth, which kept the dust from choking him.

“I’m done with the upstairs, Sir.”

Levi turned and brought down his bandana from his face. He frowned at how dirty Eren was, and replied, “We’ll see about that.”

Levi then walked up to him and jabbed the broom he had been using into Eren’s hands. His eyes locked on Eren’s, and his voice carried an authoritative tone. “Stay here and continue cleaning, I’m going to go look over your work. I want it spotless.”

Eren fumbled with the broom in his hands, surprised at the action, and watched Levi walk out silently, his eyes wide in confusion.

_Why does he need to look over what I just cleaned?_

But Eren didn’t have time to ponder much on Levi’s peculiar ways, as a light voice startled him out of his thoughts.

“You look discouraged, Eren.”

Eren turned, spotting Petra at the doorway. She was leaning against the wall, with a broom in her hands, and a small smile on her face.

_Why is she talking to me?_

“I do? I mean, I’m not.”

Petra shook her head slightly, walking into the room, sweeping along as she went. “Don’t worry, Captain Levi is just really meticulous about cleaning. Don’t take it personally.”

Caught off guard, Eren didn’t quite know what to say. Sure, he was wondering why the Captain was acting so strict- especially about the cleaning, but he didn’t think of it as extremely out of character for him. He had already noticed that Levi didn’t like dirty things, considering his irritated reaction with Hanji’s eccentric behavior from earlier. Though Eren privately agreed it _was_ kind of disgusting to grab his teeth that had been knocked out from Levi in the courtroom...

Though, even with that being said, Eren _did_ think that they would have been doing something else other than cleaning once they had gotten to headquarters. At least, not to this extent. But again, Eren didn’t mind the cleaning. He didn’t like it himself if his area was excessively dirty, especially if he was filthy after a hard day of training. Actually, Captain Levi’s penchant for cleanliness didn’t seem to be a bad thing for Eren.

And with all that in mind, Eren struggled to reply.

 “…Oh, okay.”

Petra stopped suddenly, taking a casual pose with the broom. She gave a slight smile to Eren.

“He doesn't come across as the perfect, invulnerable hero people think he is, does he? The true Levi is surprisingly short, irritable, violent, and hard to approach.”

Eren raised his eyebrows at that. It was true, his childhood image of the supposed hero had vanished quickly after he met Levi. And yes, he was short, and Eren could definitely detect a solid wall around the man, but he was hesitant on naming all these adjectives as his main personality traits. But while he had already been a victim to Levi’s violence, and Eren could easily see why people would be intimidated by him, he just felt that there were better ways to describe the man. He may be smaller than the average male, but that obviously didn’t hold him back, as he was named Humanity’s Strongest for a reason. And Eren knew how strong he was from that day in the courtroom… and for some reason, Eren had a hunch that the man didn’t actually use his full strength.

It was only a hunch.

But he didn’t seem overtly irritable, and Eren knew when someone was truly irritated- he had become very good at reading people. But even with all of his experience in that area, Levi was an enigma. His face rarely showed his emotions, and his voice seemed to stay level most of the time. To Eren, he just seemed rather blunt, straightforward, and quiet. He seemed like a person who would rather talk through actions than words.

But then again, Eren didn’t really know the Captain- as most of their new relationship was made through punches and kicks.

His thoughts were getting off topic.

Eren hummed in response, and turned away from Petra, trying to begin sweeping the surrounding area with the broom. There was hardly anything on the floor, the room being nearly done from what he could tell, but he needed some sort of distraction. He was wary of his new squad mates, and Petra gossiping about Levi was not helping their chances of building mutual trust.

“It’s said that he’s always been that way,” She continued, but began sweeping again also. “Before joining the Recon Corps, rumor has it that he was a famous thug in the Underground.”

Despite trying not to be part of the conversation, that information did catch his attention.

_Captain Levi was a thug?_

_If what she’s saying is true, that means he lived in the Underground…_

No.

He wouldn’t let him get caught up in the supposed rumors. They probably weren’t true anyway.

“Why are you telling me this?”

Petra sighed, and stopped sweeping to lean her weight on the broom. “Look, Eren. Whether we like it or not, you are now a part of this squad. We should get to know each other. Plus, everyone who’s new reacts that way to Captain. I could tell you were-.”

But Petra was cut off, for they both jumped out of their skin when Levi’s voice rang out in the room, the short man walking up to them with an irritable expression on his face.

_Oh, now he was irritated._

“Hey, Eren!”

“Ah- yes, sir?”

Eren’s hands clenched his broom tightly in nervousness, as Levi was frowning at him.

“You’re cleaning is terrible. Get back there and start again.”

Eren’s eyebrows furrowed, not understanding how his cleaning had been so bad, but nodded anyways and carefully handed his broom back, before walking back upstairs.

He made his way back to the first room he had finished, noticing Eld had once again stuck his head out to make sure where Eren was headed. The redundant action only made him more irritated, because a thin strip of annoyance had been quickly rising in him ever since Levi had called his cleaning work ‘terrible’.

_Captain must really have a thing about dirt then…_

But either way, orders were orders, and Eren sighed before tying back on his cleaning bandana over his face again. He grabbed another new washcloth and went to wipe down the furniture once more, now concentrating on anything he had missed.

…Which actually, had been quite a lot.

Another couple of hours had passed as Eren had redone the rooms, and for good reason. He begrudgingly had to admit that Captain Levi had been right about his cleaning earlier- he must have thought it lazy, considering all the dust he had missed. That thought had spurred Eren into another more dedicated cleaning spree, and he made sure to get all the dust this time.

Because who knew what would become of him if Levi still wasn’t satisfied with his work. Eren would be wary around the Captain for a while- he was hard to read, as his face appeared with that blank expression most of the time. And while on one hand Eren was slightly envious of the impassive look the man seemed to always wear, he was more cautious about the Captain’s true nature, and Petra’s description of him hadn’t helped. As it was, Levi was his primary executioner. Eren was in his custody, and was not in a position to cry for help if anything happened. And really, anything _could_ happen- he didn’t know these people. So far, he only knew that Levi was strong- really strong-, knew how to give a good beating, and was slightly obsessive with cleanliness. Two out of the three facts had Eren on his toes, and he would remain wary of him- of everyone on the squad- until he could say that he wasn’t in the hands of people who could rip up what was left of him.

Eren just needs to make sure that he stays on the Captain’s good side, follows orders, and watches his own back.

That way, he would most likely become somewhat trusted, somewhat reliable, despite his Titan ability, and hopefully find Mikasa and Armin soon. His heart was missing them already, and he couldn’t help but worry constantly about them, especially because they were so far separated.  He had to play nice, in order to see them again soon.

That meant making sure his cleaning was up to Captain Levi’s standards.

So, time passed once more as he cleaned, the sun’s light eventually disappearing altogether. His stomach was growling for food, but it was easy to ignore. He had plenty of practice after all. And even though his body ached and his knees were bruised from the hardwood floors, Eren had made sure that Levi couldn’t say anything about his cleaning again.

He was just about to go back down to tell the Captain that he was done redoing the rooms, when Eld appeared in the doorway of the room.

“Eren, we’re done for tonight. Supper is ready downstairs, but make sure you wash up first.” The man looked tired, but was nowhere as dirty as Eren was. He must’ve had more practice in cleaning, especially being in Levi’s squad.

“Ah, okay, thanks.”

There was an awkward pause. Eren thought that Eld would leave, assuming that Eren would follow him down, but instead the man just stared at him and raised an eyebrow. It took a couple of minutes for Eren to realize what he was waiting for, and bit the inside of his cheek in order to stop himself from yelling in frustration. He was already so sick of being treated like a rabid dog, though he knew why they were on a constant watch.

He understood it, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

Eren took a deep breath to calm himself as he put his cleaning supplies away, and went into the bathroom to quickly wash his hands and face. He pointedly ignored the fact that Eld was supervising him, and walked himself down to the dining hall that Petra had been in charge of cleaning earlier.

He was greeted with passing looks, and everyone was already mostly sitting down. Levi was at the head of the table, and Petra was placing a large bowl of stew in the center. Eren hesitated before sitting down to the only place left with an open seat- right next to Levi, who just passively glanced at the boy.

At first, dinner was a quiet affair. In fact, it was much like the ride to the headquarters. Low conversations were on and off between the squad, ignoring Eren, and Levi ate his dinner in silence, rarely contributing to the conversation. But eventually, discussion about the rumored upcoming mission became the main topic at the table, and they all had finished their stew and had moved on to tea. Eren had been confused about this part of the dinnertime routine at first, not understanding why everyone was having tea, but thought it better to not say anything and to just accept his cup. He was still contemplating if he liked the taste of the liquid or not, considering he had never quite had a drink like it before.

“I heard we're supposed to be going on a large-scale expedition, though official orders probably won’t come for a while.” Eld stated, his hands holding his cup on the table, “And we'll be taking the new graduates with us as our main backup as well.”

Eyes widened at the table. “That can’t be right, many of them are still recovering from the most recent attack in the walls. That would be too much for them to handle right now.” Gunther replied, his eyes flickering to Eren, who was staring into his full teacup in shock of the rumored news.

_Mikasa and Armin…_

Oluo chimed in his two cents, leaning back in a rather unperturbed way, “Although they handled the last Titan attack well enough for newbies, I heard that plenty of pants required several washings to remove the shitstains.”

Eren was very close to throttling the man- his irritating comments were the worst out of the squad so far. But instead, he just stayed silent in his chair, knowing better than to start a fight.

Petra looked past Oluo, ignoring his comment. “Is this all true, Captain?”

Levi took a slow sip of his tea before he answered, holding the top of the cup with the tips of his fingers. Eren looked in awe at the action- how did he do that?

“I'm not involved in making our plans. That’s Erwin’s job, not mine. But if it is true, then there’s a good reason as to why the new graduates would come with us.”

Silence rang in the dining hall for a few seconds.

 Eld let out a long sigh, and leaned back in his chair, the creaks breaking the silence of the room. “Well, what _is_ true is that this is an unknown situation to all of us. While we did lose the Maria reconquest route, we did get a so-called ray of hope that appeared out of nowhere.”

He pointedly glanced at Eren, catching his hardened eyes.

“Let’s hope the trade was worth it.” Oluo added on, though clearly didn’t believe in his words by the skeptical look on his face. 

Eld shook his head. “I still have trouble believing it. You can ‘turn into a Titan’, but what does that really mean? What exactly _are_ you?”

Suddenly, all eyes were on Eren again, even Levi’s. He quickly brought his head down, not wanting to catch their gazes. His hands were clenched around the tea cup, and he could only hope he wouldn’t break it. He didn’t want to look back up- didn’t want to see the distrust and suspicion on their faces. He felt uncomfortable and unwanted at the table. They clearly didn’t like having him on their squad, and he already felt enough like an outcast. He guessed that they were finally done with being pulled around, and were using this time to force answers out of him.

Too bad Eren didn’t know much more than they did about his ability.

“I… don’t know much more than any of you do. My memories are still hazy about what happened.” He slowly began, keeping his gaze on the table. He made sure that his body posture emphasized what he was saying- he slumped in his chair with his shoulders curled in- because he didn’t want any of them to think that he was lying, for any reason. “…All I do know for sure is that it can be triggered by hurting myself, such as biting my hand.”

_Wait, how do I know that?_

Eren allowed himself to take a quick glance up, and saw how skeptical they all still seemed. Eld looked like he was going to continue his line of questioning, but Levi swiftly cut him off, his voice firm.

“You all already know this. Asking him again is redundant. We couldn't get any more out of him than what's written in the reports.” He drained the rest of his tea cup and set it down on the table.

Levi’s voice had settled their questions, but not their suspicious gazes. Teatime ended swiftly after that, with the squad quietly internally analyzing Eren’s vague answers. Eren wanted to leave, he had downed the tea quickly during the conversation, as he tried to keep himself from lashing out. He still couldn’t tell if he liked the taste or not. But the real problem was that he didn’t know where he was sleeping, though that didn’t seem to be the case with the rest of the team. They mostly left together, everyone heading upstairs to the bedrooms after saying goodnight to Levi and Eren, who stayed at the table in an uncomfortable silence.

Eren was beginning to squirm, because Levi was just sitting there, watching his team leave, and finishing his second cup of tea.

_He must really like that stuff._

“Captain? Ah- where am I sleeping?”

He watched as Levi glanced at him quickly, his expression blank, and turned to get out of his chair.

“Follow me. I’ll show you your sleeping quarters.”

Levi spared Eren no time to muse about his roundabout answer, as he gracefully grabbed the table candle and walked out of the hall without waiting for the 15 year old. Eren jumped up, not wanting to get left behind, and quickly caught up to Levi. Thinking that they were going upstairs where the rest of the bedrooms were, he could only furrow his eyebrows in confusion as he watched Levi pass the staircase, and continue walking down the narrow hallway. He wanted to ask where they were going, but held himself back instead, not exactly eager to find out yet. He had a bad feeling about where they were heading, and unconsciously began dragging his feet, hoping not to reach where he thought they were going.

_Please let me be wrong._

But eventually, they stopped a thick wooden door, complete with several outside metal locks on it. Eren watched in despair as Levi took out a set of keys and unlocked the door. The light from the candle glowed on the side of his face, allowing Eren to see Levi’s hardened expression.

“Come on, brat.”

Eren felt his heart fall from his chest as he realized where the door led- he had been right- knowing that Gunther was in charge of cleaning there earlier. He bit the side of his cheek, his whole body fighting against him as he made himself follow his Captain inside.

_I knew it. I knew something like this would happen. Fuck. They’re locking me up like an animal…_

_Just like last time._

_They’re not so different from the Military Police after all._

The light guided their way as they walked down a long flight of stone stairs. Levi lit the wall candles as they passed by, creating an eerie glow that left shadows on the walls.

Eren hated shadows.

Eren hated the dark, really, and for good reason. Terrible things happened in the dark.

This situation wasn’t ideal at all for him, and had he known this would happen, maybe he would have rethought his plans.

After all, how was he going to protect Mikasa and Armin when he would be locked in a cage for the rest of his life?

He didn’t know that this was part of the deal. Then again, he really had no other option.

Eren had half a mind to blow the lights out and run right back up the stairs, because as they finally reached the bottom, he saw another reason as to why he was really starting to regret his strategy.

The cellar had a jail cell in it. Not only would he be locked in the basement, but would also be locked in a cell.

Again.

 “The basement again, sir?” His voice carried a defeated tone, and he wondered why he even asked. Maybe there was just a shred of hope in him, eager to belief that it was some kind of mistake.

“It’s one of the conditions we must follow in order for us to keep custody of you.” He watched as Levi once again used the keys he was carrying to unlock the cell and open it up. “You're not in complete control of yourself yet. If you drifted off and turned into a Titan, at least you're underground so we can restrain you right away.”

_If only you knew._

He felt incredulous laughter bubble in the pit of his stomach. Levi’s statement was hilarious, at least to him. Hilarious, in a way that made his eyes want to gather up an ocean and let it pour down his face.

_Control._

_You have no idea how much control I really have._

_None of you know who I am._

_What I’ve done._

_I am a master of controlling myself._

_As a fake, as a whore, as a titan. It’s all the same._

His didn’t say anything back, too concerned that the amusement would be heard in his voice. Instead, he just nodded, and made himself walk into the cell, his feet practically dragging along the floor in pitiful rebellion.

Eren glanced around the small area, spotting a sad looking bed in the corner with folded pajamas laying on top of it, along with a rickety side table. It was clean, mostly likely because of Gunther, but that was all there was to the cell- except for the metal chains that were attached to the stone wall right above the bed.

His stomach felt instantly nauseous.

_Fuck._

_Not again._

His shiny eyes couldn’t look away as Levi walked over to the end table, placed the candle on it, and then reached over to grab Eren’s pajama shirt that laid on top of the bed. He turned and tossed it to Eren, who grabbed at it with surprise on his face.

 “It has also been ordered that while you’re in dreamland, you must be in restraints.”

_No._

His hands clenched in the fabric he held, trying not to tear it in anger. His inside cheek was quickly becoming raw from being bitten so roughly the past few minutes. He eyes slanted in anger as he glared at Levi’s back, who had turned around to unravel the chains from the wall, presumably giving Eren some privacy to change out his shirt.

But he didn’t understand that Eren didn’t care for privacy. He didn’t understand that Eren had all sense of self-respect and self-worth taken from him that first night in that alley. He didn’t care who saw his body, anymore. It was just a usable machine, after all, especially to the Scouts now.

Eren let out a harsh sigh at the thought, slightly irritated at how Levi perceived him to care so much for privacy, but knew that thought was irrational. So he quickly undid his straps and bitterly threw off his shirt, letting it fall to the floor. Part of him wanted to stomp on it in childish anger. His thin, but strong body was only viewable for a couple of seconds, before he tossed on the white pajama shirt. He harshly grabbed the dirty clothes and straps on the ground and hung it on the end of the bed.

It would have to do. Eren wasn’t too keen to appease his Captain right now, considering he was now waiting with metal restraints in his pale hands. He seemed subtly annoyed at the image of where Eren had placed the dirty clothes, but said nothing.

Eren was also surprised he hadn’t yet said anything about how angry he was quickly becoming- assuming that he would be reprimanded for his attitude. Who knew, maybe anger was a trigger to his Titan ability. His body was obviously tensed, his rage apparent in his face and posture, and he couldn’t look at Levi without wanting to scream.

Without wanting to hurt.

Without wanting to sob into the ground at the unfairness of it all.

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t let himself. Because he had control, even if no one knew it. And that was fine. He could get through this treatment, again. He’s had much worse after all, as he kept reminding himself. What were some more restraints for his body?

He took a quick, deep breath, allowing the anger to fade more into his mind than body, and forced himself to softly sit on the side of the bed where he submissively held out his wrists for Levi to put the shackles on.

Chains. They were quickly becoming his new accessory at night. It wasn’t fun being locked up, especially in situation like this. It really wasn’t that different from his time underneath the courtroom. But at least here, the Military Police weren’t crawling around, which seemed like the only benefit to being in the Scouts for now. He could actually breathe without seeing their emblem everywhere he looked. And although he didn’t trust the people around him yet, didn’t know his squad, he could at least tell they weren’t as disgusting as the MP’s. After a while in that type of dirty work, one could really get a feeling about their customers- it was just another small trick he had picked up along the way in the alley, knowing who would want to have him for the night.

No, he knew that they would never want him like that, especially because all they could see when they looked at him was a Titan. A monster.

_Just a different type of monster, now._

The Military Police, his old customers, had created a child whore. A small freak that had turned himself into a beast that would do anything for food.

Then the Survey Corps, his new squad, just saw an abnormal. A deviant human turned Titan. A proper nightmare- an ambiguous creature that was immediately stripped of its rights and had turned from _someone_ into _something._

He had so many faces, these days.

But at least the more villainous of his perceivers couldn’t reach him here. This was the Survey Corps territory, and he felt marginally safer here than anywhere else. Nile couldn’t reach him here. Todd couldn’t touch him here. Nobody could.

But as Levi quickly fastened the metal chains around his wrists, and the weight of the metal pulled his hands into his lap, he felt doubt creep into his veins.

_…Could they come here?_

He panicked.

 “Captain-”

He felt his lips move without thinking of the consequences. He watched at Levi turned around, as he was about to walk out of the cell. He looked annoyed, but simply crossed his arms at Eren, and raised a thin eyebrow.

“Spit it out, brat. I don’t have all night.”

Eren didn’t plan this out. He spoke without thinking- something that was rare for him to do. The thought of any of the MP’s getting access to him while he was restrained must have panicked his mind too much.

But he had to say something now, it was too late.

 “Ah, The military police. They can’t- they won’t show up here, will they?”

His question was stammered out, but other than a stuttering voice, he gave away no evidence of how much the impending answer would affect him.

Levi’s eyes narrowed at him. “If you’re asking me to let you out of here just because those pigs aren’t here to reinforce the rules, you’re sadly mistaken.”

_He… he misunderstood me. But it doesn’t matter, he still answered my question._

Levi swiftly turned and walked out of the cell, shutting the barred door to lock him in for the night. The sound of the deadbolt rang sharp in Eren’s ears, and the noise seemed to echo throughout the basement floor.

 “No- I mean, I understand why I’m locked in. I just- never mind.” It would be better if he just shut up, now. He had gotten an answer- it didn’t matter what Levi thought about why he had asked. It wasn’t like they were on the best of terms anyway. But still, as he watched his Captain give him an unamused stare and turn to walk up the stairs, blowing out the wall candles, he couldn’t help but call out.

He had saved him in the courtroom, after all. In an unorthodox way perhaps, but he did keep him from the dirty hands of the MP.

And although he was still chained up by the Scouts, it was still better than what he would have gone through if Nile and the others had instead received custody of him.

And Eren _did_ notice how the Captain did not seem to look at him like the rest of his squad, although he couldn’t exactly read what Levi did think of him quite yet. He just had a slight feeling that he didn’t have the same reservations about him as his team. Maybe it was because he had already beaten the boy into submission. Maybe it was because he was Humanities Strongest. Maybe it was because he was one of the few people who believed that Eren didn’t actually know how he had his ability.

Whatever the reason, Eren still had a long way to go before understanding just who the Captain was. But until then, He could at least try to be cordial to the man who had saved him from the hands of the Military Police. They would probably be spending a lot of time together for his training after all, so some type of relationship would be beneficial at least.

Start small, then.

 “Goodnight, sir.”

His quick statement stopped Levi, his weight on one foot, about to take the next step on the stairway. Steel blue eyes peered down into the darkness- only the soft glow of the candlelight outlined a soft figure in its shadows.

“Goodnight, brat.” The delayed reply was uttered, and it whispered down to the cell and through Eren’s ears.

Eren listened to his steps continue up the stairs, and his fingers grasped the bedding tighter and tighter with every candle that was blown out. His heart sunk into his stomach when he heard the door from above close and lock.

Eren let out a shaky breath, and watched the shadows flicker in his jail cell.

He wondered how long it would take for his small candle to burn out.

He wondered if the basement was soundproof.

 

 

Two hours later, and the candle was on its last ends. It had been used for the entire dinner after all, and was about to die out, allowing darkness to completely surround the anxiety-riddled 15 year old. It had to be around midnight, and Eren was nowhere close to sleep. He had done nothing in the two hour span but change into his pajama pants, which had been a rather annoying experience, with the metal chains restricting his movements. But he had ultimately figured it out, and then he eventually sat on his bed, leaned his back against the stony wall, and wrapped his hands around his knees.

It had always been a comforting position for him, which he needed at the moment, as he was trying to stay awake.

Because he was afraid to sleep at all that night.

It was off and on- his nightmares. Sometimes he would wake up screaming, sometimes his body would be paralyzed in fear until he woke up crying. Sometimes he didn’t give off a sign of the mental anguish that he was experiencing in the form of dreams. It was random, it was always different, and he couldn’t control it, unless he didn’t sleep. His main concern was that he wasn’t sure if his screams from the upcoming nightmares could be heard from the squad’s bedrooms, but he knew eventually that he would find out. At least, if they cared enough to check on him. Or maybe they would come down to shut him up, because he would be disturbing their sleep.

He wouldn’t know until it happened, but he wasn’t eager to test that theory for a while. But it wasn’t like he could go out and train like he did during his training corps days, and he didn’t have Mikasa or Armin to at least relax him a little. No, he was all alone. Alone in the darkness, chained up like a rabid animal. Lock after lock after lock. He couldn’t even move from his bed to do pushups or sit-ups, and although the chains were longer than the ones that restrained him earlier, the give just wasn’t enough for him to slide to the floor.

He didn’t have many options at all. The only possible semi-solution was taking short naps, but with complete darkness in the basement, it would be extremely hard to wake himself up constantly- especially with such a tired mind and body.

His only option was to wait it out- and hopefully find time during the day to take some short naps.

Eren was used to surviving on little sleep anyway. His whole life was created from being active in the night, and pretending he slept soundly. This was no different, really.

It was just now, he didn’t have Mikasa or Armin next to him, he didn’t have the river to go take a midnight bath, he didn’t have a town to go walk around to calm down his mind, he didn’t have a training field to go work out in, he didn’t have a track to go run out his anxiety.

He didn’t have anything except chilling darkness, and metal chains that wrapped around his wrist like cold hands.

Once the candle went out, it would be like a living nightmare.

Let alone in the dark, with only his mind.

Just the thought was already making Eren tremble, and despite telling himself he would be okay, he eventually curled himself into a little ball underneath the covers of his bed, where he would stay for the rest of the night.

Around one a.m., the last pieces of the candle finally died out, leaving Eren in pitch black darkness, and his mind decided to come alive and whisper in his ear, describing terrifying visions that he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of.

_They’re here I know it they can see me they’re in the darkness_

Half an hour later Eren felt silent, salty tears slide down his cheeks, and dip onto the bed. He covered his head underneath his blanket, and tightened the sheets around his body.

_No I’m safe safe I’m safe_

_If I come out from the covers they’ll grab me and pull me and have me_

Three a.m. came around, and Eren’s fingernails had been bitten down to the quick, and blood had begun appearing where the rough nails scratched at his skin.

_Is it light yet is it morning please please I can’t tell down here_

Five a.m. came around, and Eren had finally been able to quiet down his thoughts and allow himself to lightly doze, his mind going in and out of consciousness, but not enough to where one would consider it sleep. His body was still cramped underneath the blankets- but he was still too scared to stretch out. He had lost feeling in the left side of his body, which he had been resting on.

_What if they leave me here am I going to be here forever have they left me here to die please I just want to see my family please I’m so tired of this please please let it be morning say it’s morning_

Thoughts continued to zoom in Eren’s mind, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of all the possibilities of being left there alone. Was it just another trap? Would he be left here? Were they waiting for the MP’s to come and take him away?

It didn’t matter if it was unrealistic, or he had enough evidence that it wouldn’t happen- he still couldn’t help but think it. The lack of sleep hadn’t helped either, even if he was used to running on little energy. He just needed to get up and walk around, or spar, to get his mind and body back again.

But the chains were denying him anything that could help, and so he continued to wait for another half an hour, curled up underneath his sheets and unwilling to come out, until he finally heard the sharp sound of a lock being turned from upstairs.

_Finally._

Eren listened to the sweet sound of freedom as he heard the door open, too relieved to think about who was coming down the stairs. The sound of footsteps became louder, pausing here and there, and Eren could finally see a dim light shin on his thin bed sheets that were still covering his face. The light was getting brighter and brighter, and Eren ripped off his covers, his bed hair sticking straight up. His blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to get used to the lighting, and focused in on the man walking towards his cell.

Captain.

They locked eyes, and Levi looked surprised, his eyes slightly widening at seeing the boy already up, but quickly schooled back a blank expression.

“Good thing you’re up, brat.”

Levi quickly unlocked the cell, and made his way over to Eren, who hurriedly slid himself out of bed, his feet hitting the cold floor beneath him. He thrusted his arms out, the chains rattling against each other, and looked up at Levi, who seemed subtly amused at the action.

“You have 15 minutes to get ready, then go to the dining hall for breakfast. You have a long day ahead of you.”

Eren felt the restraints unlock, and they fell on the bed. He rubbed his wrists, relieved to have the chains off of him. He already felt more relaxed.

“Yes, sir.”

Levi nodded, and turned to walk out, his voice echoing in the basement. “Don’t be late, Jaeger.”

“I won’t, sir!”

He didn’t have a death wish quite yet- he had training today, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, all done for now! i hope it as alright, because this was the last chapter to really setting up the story. From this point on, it will dive more into the relationships, training and experimenting with Eren's titan ability, we'll meet Hanji next chapter, and get away from all the rush to the expedition. 
> 
> so cool stuff coming up~ (if anyone wants to see anything special let me know, ill do my best to work it in!)
> 
> AND BAD NEWS :( a spontaneous trip has been planned, and i leave tomorrow (that's why this chapter is later, i've been panicking trying to get ready!) and i don't know when ill be back. Hopefully sometime around the first of May. so i would look for an update the end of that first week, hopefully. Its a road trip, so i'm not bringing my laptop, but i will try to write on my phone. but no worries, I've actually already starting a piece of the next chapter, so it will be updated! 
> 
> love you all, please comment/review your thoughts :) hope you all enjoyed!


	9. This Road Never Looked So Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji is excited to begin her experiments- Eren isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! *smiles sheepishly*  
> I know i'm late, but my trip took longer than expected, and i'm still getting over the newest chapter of the manga :( BUT this chapter was really fun to write, although i may have gotten carried away, but oh well!  
> i found out that i REALLY like writing Hanji- but Levi, unfortunately, is pretty difficult. So i hope its not that bad!   
> so i hope this chapter brings in some humor that is desperately needed- but there is still plenty of angst.   
> So go ahead, read my friends, and i hope you all enjoy!

“No.”

“But Leeeevi!!!! It’s important to start right away in figuring out Eren’s mysterious Titan ability. He doesn’t need to be spending all this time cleaning when there’s real work to be done!”

Levi’s eyes narrowed in at Hanji, who was sitting on top of the dining table with her legs crossed and her hands waving about in despair, her plate of breakfast left alone on the table.

“Cleaning is real work, Shitty Glasses. You’re just too disgusting to know how to do it properly. And get off the damn table, who knows where your ass has been.”

Hanji huffed at Levi’s remark but complied anyway, jumping off the table only to begin walking back and forth behind Eren, who was doing his best not to be noticed, and quietly ate his own breakfast. Hanji was more than slightly intimidating when talking about Titans, and he had a feeling he would rather be cleaning under Levi’s orders than given to Hanji for the day.

“That’s… true. But we’re not talking about me! Please, I want to start on him as soon as possible!” Hanji suddenly stopped her pacing, and slammed her hands on the table in front of Levi, who had only raised an eyebrow at her antics.

“At least let me gather the human data today.”

With his slim eyebrow still raised, Levi took a long sip from his teacup, and then gracefully placed it back on the table.  Eren thought the act was a little pompous; the Captain was clearly enjoying making Hanji wait. Her eyes were wide and her body was bursting with energy, practically jumping up and down in her boots, waiting for his response.

But Levi seemed to have not needed Eren’s cleaning ability enough, for a couple more seconds later, he sighed, and rose from his seat. “Alright. But only with him as a human. No turning into a titan bullshit- and he has to finish his chores first. That way you can be stuck babysitting the brat.”

Hanji instantly cheered, her excited squealing loud enough to be heard through the castle. Eren’s stomach felt instantly queasy- what exactly was Hanji planning on doing with him? He didn’t have a good feeling about it, and the little hope he had in Levi dropped after he relinquished him to the manic Section Commander. Gathering human data… what exactly was she going to make him do? Despite what they had stated earlier in the courtroom, that they wouldn’t cut him open like the Military Police, what really held them to their word?

They wanted him only for his power. His ability. Hanji wanted to study him because of that.

He wasn’t a human to them.

He kept forgetting that he wasn’t a regular human in their eyes.

He kept forgetting that people are now scared of him, instead of just him being scared of others.

But again, like all the other times, he had no choice of what they did to him in the end.

Because he wanted to use the Survey Corps as much as they wanted to use him. They all had a common goal: get rid of the Titans. But as soon as that goal came to pass, as soon as he made sure Mikasa and Armin were fully safe- all those who had wronged him, all those who had _touched_ him, no matter who they were, would die.

He’d kill them all.

_Try and take me_

_Try and kill me_

_I dare you_

_I’ll rip you to shreds one day_

_Just wait._

_I’llkillyouandeveryonewhoseevertouchedmebeforeyouevenblink._

“You have kitchen duty this morning. I want everything cleaned up. Then Shitty Glasses can have you.”

Eren glanced up suddenly, so deep in his thoughts he had forgotten where he was, and barely saw Levi’s dark eyes rake over the table with a lightly disgusted expression on his face, as it was covered in plenty of empty plates and left over food from breakfast earlier. The rest of the squad had practically finished eating breakfast by the time Levi and Eren had arrived, and at Hanji’s over enthusiastic entrance a few minutes later, they had all quickly decided to begin their morning chores far away from the eccentric Section Commander. This small action alone had clued Eren in more about Hanji’s reputation and personality, and made him even more cautious of spending the day with her.

He still thought the safer option was to continue cleaning the whole day- it would’ve made him feel much better despite the hard work of it, but Levi took that option away rather quickly.

Now he was stuck with both- cleaning and Hanji’s experiments.

He wasn’t looking forward to it, especially with the lack of sleep he had gotten last night.

Levi turned to look at Hanji, whose entire being was focused on Eren. She was staring at him like he was dinner, and it made him more than slightly uncomfortable. Levi tsked, and took a couple steps toward her to suddenly yank on the hair on her head, forcing her surprised face to stare at his.

“You have him until dinner. Don’t go overboard; he has kitchen duty tonight too.” Levi then suddenly tossed her head back, making her stumble slightly, took a quick glance at Eren to make sure he heard, and exited the dining room without another word.

A couple of beats passed and Eren barely began to process what the Captain had suddenly decided for him yet again, when Hanji’s screeching voice cut in.

“Great!! Hear that, Eren? I get you for the whole day!” She bounced over to where Eren was sitting and leaned in with a wide smile. “We’re going to have lots of fun.”

Eren felt a headache coming on.

 

 

Morning kitchen duty had been… interesting, to say the least. As Eren cleaned up the plates and food from breakfast, Hanji had filled the awkward silence with her own rambling. And at first, Eren didn’t care too much to listen. He just wanted to finish his chores and get the day over with- and he was already eying the leftover food from earlier that he wanted to stash in his cell for a later time. But Hanji watched him like a hawk, and decided to inform him about everything that was known about the Titans.

Apparently, during the Trost District breach, the Survey Corps had captured two small titans, a four meter and a seven meter, and had named them Sawney and Bean. Hanji had been busy experimenting on the two, and learning more about Titan anatomy and biology. This had actually caught Eren’s attention, purely because he could now turn into one of those monsters himself, and had asked for more information about the beings as he was cleaning the dishes.

In hindsight, he wished he would’ve kept his mouth shut, because he had never heard another person talk so fast in his life.

But eventually, the kitchen and dining room had been cleaned, Eren’s brain was now spinning with Titan information, and Hanji was about to bounce out of her shoes from impatience.

She had practically dragged him out of the kitchen once he had declared the rooms finished- which she had thought them clean an hour ago, and they had definitely had not been, not to Levi’s standards- and ran them both to the other side of the castle, which looked to be a large medical room. It had about four small beds inside, and a large desk in the corner, which was overflowing with papers and supplies on top.

But Eren could barely grab ahold of his new surroundings before being pushed over to the bed closest to the desk, and shoved to sit down. He bounced slightly on the bed, the thin, white sheets crinkling from his weight, and he could only watch in bewilderment as Hanji ran around the room, talking and hand waving about what she was planning for him today. Like earlier, she talked so fast that Eren really had to concentrate on what she was spouting, and what he did catch, he did not like. He felt his body tense up with every sentence that came out of her mouth, and he could feel himself become more closed off as her arms collected a vast amount of medical tools to use on him. He watched her with cautious eyes as she continued to spin about the room, her hair flying and her mouth running about all of the experiments she wanted to conduct.

On him.

“Okay! Eren, we’re going to start off your human examination with an updated medical exam, along with testing your responses, and then we’ll move on to also updating your personal history papers.” Hanji now donned a stethoscope, and a medical bag in her hand. She dumped the bag next to Eren, who jumped slightly at the weight of it. But Hanji didn’t notice, and continued her rambling, not paying attention to Eren’s wary body language.

“Now, although I have most of those results from your time in the training corps, I want to compare the old and new updated examinations, to see if your human-self changed because of your mysterious titan ability. Now that will be interesting!” Eren watched with wide eyes as Hanji reached in her bag to grab some gloves that she loudly snapped on. She suddenly looked up, with her stethoscope in hand, and finally noticed Eren’s uncomfortableness.

Her smile dropped, and she hummed. “Aw, Eren! It’s alright. There’s no need to be nervous about anything today!” She smiled again, but her face quickly morphed into a thoughtful expression, her eyes drifting away from him. “Well, today at least… Tomorrow is another story! But let’s not worry about that now.” She laughed, the sound created a sharp tone that almost hurt Eren’s ears. He grimaced; he wasn’t looking forward to any of this, but he had no choice to go through with it.

He couldn’t be seen as uncontrollable, or insubordinate- otherwise he could be shipped off to the Military Police, and that was all Eren needed in order to try his best to behave accordingly.

“Alright Eren, I need you to take off your shirt, so I can examine your heart and lungs.”

_Well, fuck._

It wasn’t the fact that he would be showing off his skin that he disliked. Eren didn’t care who saw his body anymore; long ago every bit of pride and dignity he had ever gained had been taken from him. His body had not been his own for a long time, because even though he was not that whore in the alley anymore, his nights were still haunted by the burning touches.

It was the fact that another being, no matter if it was a medical doctor, had to touch his skin. His body remembered how much it had hurt when others had felt him long ago, when they had taken him- and it was like he could never feel another’s touch without wanting to run far away, no matter who it was. Today, he still could barely stand at Mikasa’s and Armin’s touches- it was as if his body couldn’t tell the difference between the good and bad. It didn’t matter who touched his skin, whose fingers combed through his hair, who hugged him tightly in warmth; he still felt nauseous and lightheaded. He hated the feeling, and strived to stay away from others. He just couldn’t take another’s touch without making his skin crawl.

_Don’t think about it._

Eren glanced away, and bit the inside of his cheek.

_I have to do this._

_Get over yourself, Eren._

He would have to get through this exam like he did for the training corps- shut himself off and pretend he wasn’t there.

Like he couldn’t feel hands on his skin again.

The burning touches.

The raking of nails.

Eren felt nauseous just thinking about what was to happen, no matter how blasé Hanji was making it out to be.

But at least with Hanji, he slightly knew her, slightly knew her personality.

And at least with the Survey Corps, it wasn’t a man doing the medical exam. The training corps exam had been an eye opener on how mentally damaged he really was- no matter how professional their doctor was to him.

He had thrown up afterwards, back then, in front of everyone. He couldn’t help it- he didn’t know that that was how he was going to react. When he was questioned, he had quickly blamed it on his lunch, and it was surprisingly believed by the 104th.

_A bunch of lovable idiots they were, really._

Eren shook himself out of his thoughts and sighed before he pulled of his shirt, the cold air hitting his skin. Goosebumps appeared but Eren did not cover himself. Instead, his hands slowly clenched the side of the bed, and he hunched his body slightly over, forcing himself to look down at the floor and stare at Hanji’s dirty boots.

He could do this.

“Perfect! Now do me a favor and stay still and breathe.”

Breathe.

_Breathe, Eren._

_Breathe._

That magical word.

His lungs filled with air, and he felt himself float away.

As far away as he could.

Eren pulled himself into his mind, as far as he could, where he could barely feel Hanji’s touches.  Where it kept him sane enough not to run out of the room. He tried his best to keep himself locked away while his body did what Hanji requested. He breathed when asked, stuck his tongue out, stared at the light. He took off the rest of his clothes when she needed him to, bent over, coughed, stood on a scale.

He did everything, and nodded his head whenever she needed him to confirm her questions, or follow up on his previous medical history. Otherwise, he tuned her sharp voice out, and focused on staying safe inside himself. Safe where the brushes of soft fingers didn’t make him want to jerk back and run away.

Eventually, for what felt like forever to Eren, Hanji declared herself happy enough with all of her new information about Eren’s human body. It seemed as though it had taken forever. It was definitely around lunch time, but Eren had the feeling that they would not be eating until dinner.

He didn’t really mind though, he didn’t think he could eat anything after the whole ordeal anyways. Despite locking himself up in his own mind, it did not fully stop his awareness- it just had helped him get through it easier.

He really just wanted to go to sleep, actually.

“You are one interesting specimen, Eren!” Hanji’s voice broke through his thoughts, making him jump slightly at the sudden sound. His eyes spotted Hanji, who was bottling up her last set of blood samples she had taken. He was dressed again, and lying down- his head was dizzy, most likely from the blood loss- but still his brain instantly registered what Hanji had just said.

_Specimen. Another new name._

He hummed in reply, not wanting to speak. He was tired of today already, and he wanted to leave- or at least, be away from other people. He was tired of pretending.

He was just tired of it all.

Without warning, his throat tightened, and his eyes began to water with tears, and he quickly blinked them back before Hanji turned around to notice. He cleared his throat and pushed himself up, shaking his head to try to clear his thoughts before Hanji commented on his distressed state. He forced himself to close off again, to create an air of indifference, so that she wouldn’t begin poking her nose into his business.

She may have been allowed to study his body, his brain, his physical state, but nobody would ever be allowed to see into his mind.

He would never let anyone see the torment of what laid inside him.

“Alright, we’re all done with the medical exam! I bet you’re still feeling woozy, so we’re going to save your endurance exam for tomorrow. That’ll be a lot of fun!” Hanji turned around, a stack of papers and a pencil in her hand, and she bounced over the where Eren was sitting.

“But for now though, I need to ask you some questions about your history, so we can better understand how you could have possibly came into the Titan ability.” She pulled up a nearby chair to the side of his bed and sat down, crossing her legs. With her pencil in hand she peered up at Eren’s face, whose eyes gave away his anxiousness of Hanji’s impending questions.

_But I already told them everything I knew…_

“What kind of questions?”

His voice took on a weary tone and Hanji’s eyes widened. “Oh, nothing too invasive! Don’t worry, just mostly about your family history and such. Alright?” She smiled softly, hoping to comfort the Titan boy.

All it did was confuse him even more about the woman. Why was she being so nice to him? She had been professional so far, despite her eccentric ways, but he still needed to be guarded around her. He didn’t trust the benevolent manners. Although, in this situation, he could always fake a faint from the blood loss if the questions got too close for comfort; if he felt as though she was diving in too deep into his past…

He sighed. “Okay.”

“Great! Let’s start with your father’s side.”

To be fair, it hadn’t been awful at first. The questions started off as general enquires, almost impersonal. Questions about both his father’s and mother’s sides of the family. He regretted to admit that he actually didn’t know much of either, only stating that he was told that his grandparents were all dead, and he never knew any aunts or uncles.

Talking about his mother was hard, difficult, and upsetting to the point that he almost went with his fainting plan. But he didn’t break down, he didn’t cry. His sadness, his regret of that day, only showed through his voice and the faraway look in his eyes. He answered the questions as quick as possible, and as clear as he could. He didn’t add stories- he answered the questions directly, only giving exactly what Hanji desired for an answer, and that was it. He didn’t like remembering that day in Shinganshina, he didn’t like remembering his mother’s death, and he didn’t like the feeling of telling Hanji about his past. It was difficult for him to not hesitate and jump up in order to shred the papers in Hanji’s hands.

The more questions that came, the more he felt like he was being picked apart, being dissected- just in a way he had never thought of before.

He also felt an empty, yearning hole in his stomach, that painful craving for his most precious friends, when she asked him about Mikasa and Armin. His childhood friends turned into comrades. His throat tightened once again, and his fingers clenched into the bedsheets. How he _missed_ them… How he needed to know if they were alright.

But he couldn’t stay stuck on those thoughts, those feelings, for Hanji continued on, unaware of the anguish that was brewing inside of Eren.

“Your father was a doctor, correct?”

“Did he ever give you anything that you thought wasn’t for your personal health?”

“Let’s talk about the basement.”

On and on and on. As the questions became more specific, more detailed about his time with his father, his response became repeated in three words: “I don’t know.” Because it was true, he _didn’t know._ He didn’t know much of anything about his father’s secretive work. And so, with a frustrated sigh from the Section Commander, most of Hanji’s bizarre questions remained blank on the large supply of paper, and her face became more discouraged with every unknown answer.

But Eren didn’t really care. He didn’t like her digging through his personal history anyway, and just hoped that she’d stop before she dug into something that would invoke a rather disturbing response in him. His fingers were tired of being dug into the sheets of the bed, and his body was exhausted from being so tense throughout the examination, along with the lack of sleep. He just wanted this over with.

But it seemed that Eren would never be that lucky, and the questions he had been dreading had finally come to pass, all asked with a curious and ignorant tone from someone who did not know the true horrors of what had happened to the civilians after the fall of Wall Maria.

“Who did you stay with after the fall of Wall Maria?”

_Here we go. Keep yourself calm, Eren. Answer simply._

He took a deep breath. “Mikasa and Armin.”

That craving in his stomach again.

_Mikasa and Armin Mikasa and Armin Mikasa Armin MikasaArmin_

“No adult was with you?”

“We had Armin’s Grandfather to look after us.”

_For a short time, at least._

Hanji’s brow furrowed as she wrote down his answers. “So you were 11 by then? What happened after being brought into Wall Rose?”

Why.

Why.

Why

_Whydoesitmatter_

Don’t respond.

_But I have to respond._

Why?

_Because she’ll think I’m hiding something if I don’t. She will only dig deeper. Ask more. Respond simply and move on._

Move on…

_I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone here._

_…Would it help her find out why I have this ability?_

_I don’t know what to do._

But he _did_. He had built himself for this. He knew how to lie. His whole life was built on lies. He just had to watch his body language, his voice, and answer as simply as possible. Steer her away from what had happened back then.

Eren bit his cheek quickly before responding, and cleared his throat. “We were refugees. We waited around until we were able to sign up for the training corps.”

“That would have been over a year’s wait. So did you live in a refugee camp then?”

He had to force the words out. His stomach was twisting inside of him, and his mouth felt dry. He didn’t want to answer. She was getting too close.

The words came out like nails on a chalkboard.

“…Near one.”

“What do you mean?”

Gods, she wouldn’t leave it alone. He had to work around it. Maybe she’d realize it’s a dead end.

Eren forced his body to relax, creating an air of nonchalance around him, despite the turmoil that raged in his very bones. He needed Hanji to see that he wasn’t hiding anything.

He needed Hanji to stop questioning that part of his life.

But it seemed as if they were a carriage on a hill, and someone had pushed them over, and they were tumbling down with no stop in sight.

“The refugee camps were always overflowed. A lot of people ended up on the streets.”

Hanji looked up, suddenly stopping her writing. “So you were all homeless?”

Without meaning to, his eyes made contact with her curious brown ones, her glasses glinting from the sunlight that shone through the castle windows.

The question was embarrassing, and the answer he had to say was even more. He looked away and stared out through the window, focusing on the slight breeze that was blowing through the trees nearby.

“…I guess.”

The words left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Hanji became quiet for a few seconds, and hummed. She began writing again, but at a much slower pace, as if she were mulling over Eren’s short answer in her mind.

Her voice came out much softer at the next question, the new tone bringing Eren out of his own thoughts. “Did anyone strange come into contact with you during that time? Anyone that… seemed off to you? That struck you as dangerous, maybe?”

He felt his body tense.

Contact?

Dangerous?

_What was she getting at what does she mean how does she know already how did I fuck this up_

His head snapped to hers, his eyes doing their best to burn his answer into her brain.

“No.”

It had come out like sandpaper, and sounded flat to his ears. Hanji just stared back, her eyes squinting in interest. Her body leaned forward, and she tapped the end of her pencil again her chin. “Nobody that set off alarm bells? That might have stabbed you with a needle and have given you the Titan ability? Or gave you a disgusting pill to swallow?”

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s what she meant. She was thinking someone could have slipped him something that gave him his ability. It wasn’t a bad idea, but he knew, and he was betting Hanji believed it also, that his father had been the one to do it somehow. Otherwise, what was all that mysteriousness with the basement? About the key?

But he guessed that she needed to consider all the options- hence the most recent question. He felt his throat relax a bit more, allowing more air in for him to breathe.

“Ah, no.”

“That’s what I thought, but you never know!” Her shoulders slumped in defeat, and leaned back in her chair. “But with all this information, I think our best lead to follow is your father- he was a doctor after all. Smart man, knowledgeable about medicine, it’s our best lead. But unless he suddenly appears, we’re at a dead end. Our only hope is that basement of yours.” She shrugged and jumped up from her seat, collecting her papers in her hands.

She had spoken the words he had been thinking. It’s all linked to his father- though only the Gods know how and why he had decided to do this to his only son. And who knew where he was, if he was even still alive. Part of him hoped he was dead, because Eren didn’t think he could look him in the eye, after all that he had done. After all that he had become.

Hanji continued on, not noticing Eren didn’t respond. “But until then, we need to figure out this mysterious titan power. Ah I’m so excited!”

Hanji finished shuffling her papers around and collecting the medical results from her desk. She turned and looked at him, with a sudden seriousness about her. Her eyes found Eren’s, and he felt frozen at her stare, their gazes locked on one another. Her voice dropped down to a soft, but serious tone. “On another note, I’m really sorry about what you had to go through back then, Eren. It must’ve been very difficult.” She walked up to him, and put a hand on his shoulder. Eren was too stunned by her words to flinch at the touch. “But you’re here now, and have somehow been given this fantastic power to help humanity overcome the Titans. So let’s work together on that, okay?”

She smile at him, told him that they needed to head down for dinner before they were late, and then made a gesture for him to follow her out of the room- of which she had practically skipped out of. But there Eren sat, his wide green eyes pinned to Hanji’s disappearing back, and his soft, choked response could barely be heard through the room.

“Okay.”

 

 

Eren and Hanji walked into the dining room for dinner, and while Eren walked tensely around the table, feeling everyone’s gazes on him, Hanji flounced about, greeting the rest of the squad with pats on the head. Their arrival cause a stir at the table, and Gunther cut through the squad’s conversation to ask Hanji how Eren’s exams went.

“Eren was a little angel during the exams! He wasn’t shy at all, and we had a grand time together!” Hanji winked at Eren, who only grimaced in response. He sat down at the end of the dining table, his unofficial spot next to Captain Levi, who was calmly drinking his tea, despite Hanji throwing all sorts of papers in his face. He plainly ignored the bubbly woman, which seemed to drive Hanji only further in trying to invoke a response from Humanity’s Strongest. Instead, Eld was the first that reached for the papers on the desk, and began shuffling through them, his face holding a curious expression. Gunther decided to join in, and grabbed a couple of papers himself to look at.

Oluo, of course, sipped on his tea like the Captain, trying to hold in his own curiosity about Eren’s results. Petra snickered at his obvious interest, but also refrained from grabbing any of the papers Hanji brought out.

Eren clenched his jaw, hating how his personal and medical history was quickly becoming public, and felt the metal of his fork begin to bend at his fingers from his anger and annoyance. But he was quickly surprised as Hanji reached over and bopped both Gunther and Eld on the heads, causing them both to groan slightly, and snatched the sheets of paper from them before they had taken a good look.

It had seemed as if they knew that would happen, because they didn’t say anything about it, just gave looks of disappointment at Hanji’s turned back. Eren even caught the edge of Levi’s mouth turning into a soft smile at their disappointed faces, but it was quickly hidden by another sip of tea.

“So did you find anything? Anything weirdly titan or strange?” Gunther broke the near silence of the room, which had quickly gone quiet from everyone eating.

Hanji, who had sat herself down between Eren and Petra, instantly tried to talk, her eyes were bright and wide open, but she had just stuffed her mouth full of bread, and anything that came out was gibberish. Her disgusting manners went unnoticed as Petra surprisingly cut in, a light glare in her eyes.

“Shut up, Eld.”

Eld’s head turned, trying his best to look nonchalant. “Why? I’m just wondering if Hanji found anything weird on him. It’s a good question!”

There was a light thump that was heard underneath the table, before Eld groaned in pain. “Ow, Petra! What was that for?” He deserted his dinner in order to rub his bruising shin underneath the table.

“Oh shush. You know exactly what that was for,” Petra stated simply, daintily eating a piece of carrot off her fork. Her eyes caught Eren’s, who was looking at her surprised, and smiled slightly at him before turning away.

_Why did she defend me?_

A light argument began at the table then, with the squad debating whether it was decent of them to know about Eren’s personal medical history, just because they were curious. And while it seemed as though Petra was defending Eren, none of them even asked him for his own opinion on it. Hanji just watched with amusement while trying to finish eating her bread- the papers were shuffled together on her lap.

Oluo decided to cut in then, annoyed that he wasn’t a part of the commotion. “Well I for one-”

But Gunther rapidly cut him off, his fork pointing annoyingly at his comrade, and swallowed his food quickly before loudly exclaiming, “Don’t even start, Oluo!”

But it seemed that Gunther’s warning did not deter him, because Oluo opened his mouth again, eager to win at a bickering fight, when Levi’s threatening voice cut through the room like sharp knives.

“All of you fuckers need to shut up before I send someone to go muck the stables in the dark.”

Startled eyes shot over to the Captain, who was still drinking his tea, but his eyes were dangerously glinting from the glowing light of the candles. Everyone quickly became focused on their own dinner plates, the new silence only broken by the clinking of metal forks and plates.

But of course, Hanji never listened to Levi. And as she had finally finished swallowing another huge piece of food in her mouth, she took the opportunity to break the fake calm with her boisterous voice.

“That was fun! And as for your question Eld, I actually found-”

“That includes you, four eyes.”

Hanji’s facial expression froze for a second, and then formed into a pout, directing it at Levi, who scowled back. It was actually quite comedic, and Eren felt a small laugh bubble in his throat. But he just kept eating the food on his plate instead, relieved that his information wasn’t being shared with everyone.

Eren continued to watch in amusement- Hanji pouted her way through the rest of dinner, and Levi kept sending her glares to warn her off from speaking- but was still curious on what Hanji had supposedly found in his medical exam, because he didn’t remember her saying that there had been anything strange during it. Then again, he had been tuned out for most of it. Who knows what he had missed?

As everyone became full, and no one reached for the small pile of food that was left, small conversations had popped up quietly between the squad members. But once again, Hanji broke the comfortable atmosphere with a startling question, which quickly took hold of the team’s interest.

“Well… on another note, I think you would all be interested to know that I have planned for tomorrow! Because some grumpy man said I couldn’t do any Titan experiments yet…” Hanji pointedly glanced at Levi, who only raised an eyebrow at her accusation. “So… I’m going to need some of you to spar with Eren for part of his endurance test! Any volunteers?”

A few seconds of pause.

“…Seriously?”

“Oh yeah, I’ll go first! Show the newbie what we’re all about.”

“Wait, why do I even have to fight?”

“Don’t underestimate him, he was the top of his class in hand to hand combat.”

“It it even safe? What if he turns into a Titan?”

“Yeah, Hanji- I thought no one even knows _how_ he’s able to turn, except that he spills his own blood. A fistfight’s definitely gonna do that.”

“That shithead is going to turn into a Titan. Just watch.”

“But he did last his whole time in the Training Corps without turning…”

“Who’s to say he didn’t get his power _after_ the kindergarten class ended.”

The teammates squabbled for a few minutes, plainly ignoring Hanji’s attempt at trying to intervene with her own opinions. Eren watched in morbid fascination- they either really wanted to beat him into a pulp, or were scared of him turning into a Titan. Either way, their comments were rather ugly, but he didn’t understand all the drama in the first place. Why did he have to fight for a test? What was the point in it? He wasn’t too worried either way- he had enough confidence in his fighting skills- but he was still confused, and anxiously tried to voice his question through the shouting voices to be heard, but it didn’t seem to work.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Levi roll his eyes at the commotion, and lean back in his chair. When he finally spoke, his voice resonated thought the room, calming down the jabbering.

“No. The brat doesn’t even know how he turns into a titan himself- I’m not risking my squad for your stupid games, Shitty Glasses.”

Hanji whined. “But Levi! It’ll probably be fine! I’m sure that Eren will-”

“I said no, Four Eyes. But that doesn’t mean I’m stupid enough to stop you from your experiments entirely.” Levi took a last sip of his tea and sighed, as if what he was saying was physically painful for him. He set his cup down gracefully, glancing between Hanji and Eren.

“Tomorrow you can play around with his Titan form instead. Find out how he changes. Assuming he can change again, after all…” He drawled the last couple of words out, and tilted his head towards Hanji, who was practically salivating at the mouth. “That is, if it still interests you.”

Hanji practically cut Levi off, “Yes. Yes! Ah hah hah! Yes, finally!” She jumped out of her chair, papers practically flying out of her lap, startling Eren and Petra at her sides.

“Yee I’m so excited! I’ve got to prepare, there’s no time to lose!” Scrambling to collect the couple sheets of paper she dropped, she began running out of the room, most likely to begin preparations, but turned around before disappearing, making eye contact with Eren.

“We start first light of dawn, Eren!” She cried, and turned to leave again, almost out the door, when Levi spoke up quickly.

“He’ll need food.”

She turned around again, and pointed a finger at Eren, making sure she had his attention. “First thing after breakfast, Eren!”

And she was gone.

 

 

Eren was still reeling over dinner while Levi was chaining up his wrists in his bedroom cell.

He was going to turn into a Titan tomorrow, and he still didn’t have a very good idea on how he actually did it. Was it really just as simple as making himself bleed? But if that was the case, he should have turned into a Titan many times before the Trost breach. It was nerve racking, as his whole future depending on his performance. Armin and Mikasa’s lives now hung on his ability, as did the rest of Humanity. He had to make himself change tomorrow.

“Why do you look so constipated, brat?”

“Oh, uh- no reason Sir.” He replied softly, their voices echoed in the basement.

Levi let his wrists go- they were secure in their restraints now. He gave a once over look at Eren, clearly not believing him. “Hm. If you say so.”

He turned around, walking out of the cell to close and lock it for the night. But Eren still was worried for tomorrow, and wanted to know if the Captain would be there.

He was his primary executioner, after all.

“Captain, will you be there tomorrow? During the experiment?”

The sharp turn of the lock was all that Eren heard for a few seconds, the sound of it resonating loudly through the cell. But Levi caught his eyes as he tucked the keys away, his monotone voice answering the question.

“I’m in charge of you, Brat. I need to be there just in case if you go rogue, so I suggest you hang on to your sanity if you value your life.”

Eren blinked.

“…Yes Sir.”

Levi’s eyes seemed to contemplate something quickly before he slowly reached out to grasp one of the bars of the cell, placing his weight on his hand. His eyes pierced through the bars, a blank expression carefully placed on his face. Eren stared back, his own expression carefully crafted to prevent any of his more worry from showing, but internally wondered what was causing Levi stay.

_Why would he stay and talk to me anyways…_

_People don’t talk to monsters._

Levi spoke to Eren with the same monotone voice. “I’ll have no joy in killing you, Jaeger, despite what you may think.”

_What?_

Eren was surprised that out of all the things that the Captain could have said to him, it was that. It was strange, the comment- but not technically incorrect. It had actually crossed Eren’s mind, after all. How could it not? Everyone seemed to want to kill him these days, or worse. Hell, Hanji was practically over the moon for these Titan experiments, and who knows what they all entailed. The military wanted to dissect him- rape him. And his new squad wanted the chance to beat him up, apparently. Was it really unfair for the thought to pass through his mind?

Did he even believe that Captain Levi was telling the truth?

After he had beaten up Eren in the courtroom…but it all been necessary. Despite his blunt and rough demeanor, the Captain had not treated him as he thought he’d be treated. Levi didn’t partake in the squad’s whisperings about him, and did not glare daggers into his back. In fact, other than Hanji, he had been the only one to really converse with him without some sort of backhand comment about his ability. So far, the Captain treated Eren rather fair, even made sure he would receive breakfast in the morning before the experiment- and in his own way, warned him about the dangers of tomorrow if something went wrong.

But that didn’t mean that Eren trusted him still. Although, it did create a small piece of doubt in his mind, a piece that made Eren feel as though the Captain had told him the truth.

“I…I didn’t think you would, Sir.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Your face could’ve fooled me.” Levi looked at Eren for another second, raking his eyes across the boy’s confused expression. He then quickly looked away, and began walking up the stairs, calling out to Eren before disappearing from his view.

“Get to sleep, brat. You’re going to need it for tomorrow.”

And with that, Levi was gone, and Eren heard the slamming of the door to the basement. The candles were all out, except the new one on his nightstand, and Eren sighed to himself.

He was in for another long night- with no sleep in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty! now that thats over with- good news, i already have my plot for the next chapter, and we will get to see: the SPOON scene! Eren fighting the squad members! and Ereri interaction (with a Levi pov) :D i'm nervous writing the fight scenes, but sooo excited for Eren to start to finally trust levi! and win over his squad.   
> So that'll be next chapter.   
> so tell me what you liked, what you didn't, anything at all! and what did you guys think of the most recent chapter of SNK????   
> LOVE YOU ALL! thank you for all the kudos and comments <3


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